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Playstation/Gaming Discussions => Gaming Discussion => Topic started by: Weltall on June 12, 2001, 09:12:22 PM

Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: Weltall on June 12, 2001, 09:12:22 PM: Ahem.

Welcome, you feebs, mental defectives, lunatics, psychos, eminem fans and other assorted braindead pukes, to Duke James of Krondor\'s system by system comparison. In detail I will show you the strengths and weaknesses of each console, and at the end, who will win. Sit back and enjoy the ride, it\'s long, bumpy and filled with sex.

First off is the Dreamcast, that lovely little grey box of pain, herpes and suicide. She was first in the hearts of her countrymen. Now... she\'s dead.

*presses power button*
*machine turns on*

Oops... hehe, no, MY Dreamcast isn\'t DEAD dead, I mean Dreamcast as a whole is dead. Long live the queen. Let\'s open her up and see what we have inside her:

Look at all this! Why, its COMPUTER parts! Here\'s the GDROM drive! And look here, the GPU and CPU! And a modem! No wonder Dreamcast died so quick! How mundane! This poor child never had so much as a chance against the big boys with old fashioned solid-state computer technology!

*sigh*

Oh well, on to Playstation 2. It\'s black. Now as we all know, black is another name for African American. So we are off to a good start already. Let\'s look inside, shall we?

This console does not use solid-state electronics! Look at that wheel! It\'s a MAYONAISE processor!! WOW. A Mayonaise processor generates more GFLOPS than solid-state. That\'s because the magical penguins sing gospel music and that turns Mel Gibson into Mayonaise, thus creating PS2\'s outstanding visuals.

It also plays DVDs, CDs, PSX games, Football, Chess, and made three unsuccessful campaigns for US President! Solid!

Oh yeah, the games will be awesome too.

My expert opinion: That\'s a hell of a machine, Bob!

Over here we have GameCube. GameCube is purple. Purple is also known as the official color of such evil beings as Tinky Winky, Barney the Dinosaur, and most flagrant homosexuals. Ouch. Breaking from their cartridge roots, Nintendo will use these shiny little Ziploc bags to store their games. They are completely piracy proof, offer oustanding load times, and are good for storing small amounts of marijuana. The games are loaded into Gamecube\'s upper vagina. The lower vagina is for silly trinkets like memory cards and Nintendo disposable douche.

The GameCube has impressive guts. The Gekko processor is not a gekko but in fact a small colony of e. coli bacteria. They may destroy digestive systems but they make the GameCube a formidable number cruncher (it can also crunch other things, including extacy and peyote for enhanced gameplay). The GPU is an outstanding reproduction of the greatest graphics engine ever: The Atari VCS. It can display an astounding 4 colors at once, and process an ENTIRE POLYGON every other week! A-Mazing! Mario hasn\'t looked this good since... well... his guest appearance in Crash Bandicoot! But that\'s another story for another day.

Oh yeah, the games will be awesome too.

My expert opinion: It\'s purple. Eww.

And last we have that obese monstrosity known as XBox. Much like the Reverend Al Sharpton, the Xbox is African American, has a hideous green nose, weighs 6000 pounds and is larger than the state of New Hampshire. So with that in mind, let\'s look inside.

Now THIS is why the XBox is so powerful! This is a completely functional and proprietary ELF MACHINE! Look at the cute little elves! HI ELVES! This one little fella agreed to an interview!

Elf: Shut the **** up and close the door!
Jimmy: Greetings to you. What makes elves so efficient in XBox?
Elf: Listen up *****. We didn\'t come here by choice. Sure, the pay is good, but there are lots of things Microsoft does to us... and we ain\'t posta tell the outside world about.
Jimmy: What about Santa\'s Workshop? Why did you leave?
Elf: You stupid or somthin? MS bought out Santa\'s little enterprise! Now his north pole workshop is a manufacturing plant for Windows XP.
Jimmy: Ah. One more question...
Elf: Sorry pal. Gotta go process another Halo demo. Later, bastard.

Hmm, well that was certainly insightful. Now as I was saying, when Microsoft harnesses the powers of the squid gene, we will all be able to shoot ink out of our asses at extreme velocities AND we will be able to have sex with our arms. Xbox makes my underpants speak.

Jimmy\'s underpants: Mpph mffh mpehfh mgehghgmm!

And there you have it!

Oh yeah, and the games will be awesome.

My expert opinion: Hey Mr. Elf! *reaches up ass* You forgot your lava lamp!

Now, I know I promised you I\'d tell you the winner of the console war. There will not be a single winner. There will be MILLIONS. That\'s right...

US GAMERS WILL WIN!

Have a good night. Peace.

.
.
.
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TV Producer: Who the hell was that?
TV Exec: I don\'t know. Hunt him down and kill him. Now.
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: TheOgodlyThing on June 12, 2001, 09:28:20 PM: Funny how you didn\'t mention your expert opinion on the XBOX, yet you did it for GC and Playedstaion2.

LOL, I guess you forgot. ANYhow I have a question were you stoned when you wrote this??????? he, he, he...

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Made this myself took me about 10 minutes to do it

EDIT.. WTF DAMN HTML SPACED IT OUT, it was a happy face
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: Weltall on June 12, 2001, 09:32:43 PM: 1: Yes I did
2: Use Courier font:)
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: TheOgodlyThing on June 12, 2001, 09:40:43 PM: Indeed you did, I skipped that elf part.
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: QuDDus on June 12, 2001, 09:42:12 PM: I agree it does seems like you where under some sort of substance while writing your post. At first I thought I understood you, but as I read on you seem to be in another state of mind and I have no idea what your trying to say. I could speculate on what type of drugs I think your on, but that is a whole entire different topic.

But to answer your topic on who will the war. I mean xbox and gamecube are looking to be strong console that can hold their own in the industry. It is kind of tough to say. As of now it is toss up. Time will tell. So far ps2 is in the lead, because it is the only system out. Time will tell this is going to be an interesting time to be a gamer.
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: Claypool 2001 on June 12, 2001, 11:23:45 PM: whats the point of this thread?
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: IronFist on June 13, 2001, 12:16:15 AM: This is the point:

Hey TheOgodlyThing, if you want to make ASCII art, you have to put it in between the [c.ode] [/co.de] tags (without the periods). It was made for programmers so their code stays organized when they post it on forums. Just a little history lesson for you. :)

Like this:

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EDIT: I just read the post. Man, what are you on Weltall?! :) I thought it was pretty funny though.
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: Bobs_Hardware on June 13, 2001, 12:39:29 AM: hes just hopped up on coffee from lack of sleep

...thats not a joke...i think he actually is
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: Toxical on June 15, 2001, 11:14:26 AM: I agree with Weltall, :D
just don\'t know what it\'s about
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: datamage on June 15, 2001, 12:57:23 PM: Hey, it was an entertaining read. The future now makes sense. :)

- dm
- the trick is to keep breathing.
Title: Finally . . .
Post by: on June 15, 2001, 08:52:50 PM: After all the endless arguments over harware specs, tech demos and developer support, Weltall has finally spelt out the real issues of this generation\'s console war.

Not only that, but Weltall, in his astute observations, has predicted the only possible way it can end. With us, the gamers benefiting most. And for the first time ever, has presented arguments in everyday layman terms that everyone, from the hardcore, to the casual gamer can understand . . . Well done!

Here, an example of one of my favorite passages:

Quote
posted by Weltall
This console does not use solid-state electronics! Look at that wheel! It\'s a MAYONAISE processor!! WOW. A Mayonaise processor generates more GFLOPS than solid-state. That\'s because the magical penguins sing gospel music and that turns Mel Gibson into Mayonaise, thus creating PS2\'s outstanding visuals.

I mean really, who can argue with that?
:)

Frodo

This is a fun topic, me like\'s
Title: Who wins the war? OH MAMA.
Post by: Sublimesjg on June 15, 2001, 09:21:59 PM: i like how he kinda started off serious with the dreamcast and slowly got crazier with the PS2 to the GC to the Xbox

well this thread is ment to entertain and that it has done - well for me at least

haha good job wetall