PSX5Central
Non Gaming Discussions => Off-Topic => Topic started by: Bladez on January 23, 2002, 07:26:38 PM
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I thought to myself and read it in newspapers what is the funniest joke in the world? I mean we all have a different since of humour...so what is the funniest joke you have ever heard or read? Come on give it your best shot you only get to tell your best joke that you think is so damn laugh out loud funny you\'d think we\'d sit here and laugh out loud too! So let\'s hear them men and women.
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I heard this on the radio last week. I didn\'t think the funniest joke was that funny... humerous, but I didn\'t actually laugh at it.
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"My dog has no Nose!"
"How does he smell?"
"Horrible"
*Dies laughing*
I probably shouldn\'t bother posting a real joke in here. Anymore of my usual humor so soon after the last two joke threads will probably get me banned from this lovely "Family Oriented Site".
:rolleyes:
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Jar O\' Pickles (great name) threatened to post these in another thread a LONG time ago but didnt cos he thought they might have been in bad taste...but this thread is dead...so i thought i\'d post them as i thought they were hilarious, and love telling them to my friends (they work especially well in person if you are laughing too hard to actually say them and you have to really try to spit them out
What\'s red white and silver and bumps into walls?
a baby with forks in its eyes
Whats the difference between a shower and a dead baby?
you cant **** a shower
Whats the difference between a fridge and a dead baby?
you cant fertalize your lawn with a fridge
whats the difference between a tin can and a dead baby?
cant eat a tin can
whats the difference between a basketball and a dead baby?
a basketball bounces back when u slam it on the ground (my personal favorite)
whats the difference between a public toilet and a dead baby?
i have a hard time taking a **** on a public toilet
i cut out a few that werent really funny...
if ive offended anyone...eh, i dont care :P
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OK, here it goes:
##RaCeR## and I were walking down a dirt road next to a field out in the country. A few miles down the road we saw a sheep with its head caught in the fence trying to eat the grass on the other side. Well I was drunk & horny so I started having SEX with the sheep!!!
I turned to ##RaCeR## and said "Hey man, you better get some of this action while it\'s still good!"
And so...
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HE STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE FENCE!!!!!!:eek:
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bah! that was my story! i told it to you weeks ago when it actually happened! gaaah! how dare you tell stories of my beastiality and racers homosexuality and try and pass them off as your own!
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Originally posted by Bobs_Hardware
bah! that was my story! i told it to you weeks ago when it actually happened! gaaah! how dare you tell stories of my beastiality and racers homosexuality and try and pass them off as your own!
Did you really? I love that joke... I\'m not trying to pass it off as my own, but neither should you. (It\'s an old joke);)
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I think this joke was actually in that article you read, but i find it really funny.
I cant remember it exactly but ill try.
Two guys are hunting in the woods when all of the sudden one of the guys has a heart attack. The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls 911. He gets the operator and tell her the situation. She tells him to calm down, she will walk him through this.
operator: Now, first, you must make sure that he is dead.
Ok, the man replies....A loud SHOT is heard in the background by the operator.
Ok, the man says, what next?
:D
btw: the joke for canada was extrememly lame. did you read it in that article?
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What\'s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don\'t know and I don\'t care.
*Credit to another member on another forum*
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After working 23 years on wall street bob has had enough and decides to retire and move to the isolated wilderness of western ohio.After a full 6 months of seclusion in his cabin he get\'s a visit from his closest neighbor from 5 miles away. > "Hi im jethro from down the road.I thought i\'d come down and invite you to a party at my place this weekend."I\'d be delighted"bob replies. > jethro say\'s "well I should warn you there\'s gonna be some heavy drinkin" "Hey I worked on wall street for 23 years.Believe me I can drink with the best of them". >"o.k. Well theres gonna be some fightin" "oh I\'m not worried about that I get along pretty well with most people".bob replies >"Theres gonna be some wiiilld sex"."alright!" say\'s bob "I\'ve been cooped up here by myself for 6 months I could sure go for some of that!" "So tell me what kinda clothes should I wear?" > "Hell wear anything you want It\'s just gonna be the two of us"
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Theres a husband and wife lying in bed, the husband is reading a magazine while fingering his wife, the wife turns to her husband and says so love your horny, do you want some sex, the husband replys with no im just wetting my fingers so I can turn the page.
why did the woman cross the road ? who gives a **** why wasnt she in the kitchen.
whats the connection between a womans pussy and the mafia ? a slip of the tongue and your in the ****.
That is all for now.
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What do you get when you have 3 blondes lined ear-to-ear?
A wind tunnel.
Why was the tomato embarrased?
He saw Salad dressing.:rolleyes:
I sing like an amputee. I can\'t hold a note, can\'t carry a tune--BloodHound Gang
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Well theres 3 construction workers, and one of thems Korean, the construction manager on duty comes over and assigns each of them a job telling them if they dont do it right, theyre all fired. he tells the first guy thats hes in charge of concrete duties, tells the second guy hes in charge of piling all of the dirt, and he tells the Korean guy hes in charge of the supplies.
He comes back at the end of the day, looks at the first guys job, nods in approval and says good job. he goes to the second guy, nods in approval and says good job. he then looks around and says wheres the Korean guy??
right then the Korean guy jumps out from behind a wall throws his hands up and yells... SUPPLIES!! :nut:
theres 3 muffins in an oven, the first one says is it hot in here or is just me? :cool: the second one says no its hot in here :burn: then the third one looks at them and says AAH! :eek: talking muffins! :laughing:
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Originally posted by Bladez
Why was the tomato embarrased?
He saw Salad dressing.:rolleyes:
[/I]
(https://psx5central.com/community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mindspring.com%2F%7Erj2%2Fvid.gif&hash=7a370111db53e1e8152a88888b89fc03d116e7f8) Hey, I take offense to that joke. (https://psx5central.com/community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mindspring.com%2F%7Erj2%2Fvid.gif&hash=7a370111db53e1e8152a88888b89fc03d116e7f8)
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Why do blonds have bruises around their belly buttons??
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Because blond guys are stupid too.
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As we all know, tarzan was all alone in the jungle for a number of years, and got into the habit of pickin out a nice lookin hole in a tree, and screwin it. now Jane, heard of tarzan and wanted to go find him in the jungle, so she left and headed over there, when she finally found him, he was in the middle of a good humpin with an oak tree, at first she was appalled, but soon got turned on and layed down and offered himself to him. he looked at her, ran over and kicked her as hard as he could in her crotch. :eek: :crying: now after she was done screaming she yelled wut the hell did you do that for he replyed
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"tarzan must always check for squirrels" :laughing:
ok so its not that great but hey its my kinda comedy
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Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party. So he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. But Batman said Robin was ill and that he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman\'s apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs wide open.
Superman thought to himself "I\'m faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flies off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear anything?"
"No," said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"
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Bill Clinton dies and goes to Hell. Satan takes bill down a hallway and says, "Let me show you what you\'ll be doing for eternity." He opens a door and inside is Jesse Jackson naked on his back on the floor, spread-eagled with his arms and legs tied down. Monica Lewinksy is giving him head. Bill says, "I think I can handle that. When do I start?" The Devil says, "Right now. MONICA, TAKE A BREAK!"
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I saw this one a while ago and thought it would go well in this thread.
One day, three guys went flying in a small airplane. For a joke, they dropped an apple out the window.
When they landed, they saw a man laughing heartily. They asked him, "What\'s the matter?" The man replied, "An apple came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!!"
The next day, they went flying again. This time they dropped a banana out the window. When they landed, they saw another man laughing like crazy! They asked him why he was laughing. He replied "A banana came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!"
The following day, they decided to drop a hand grenade out the window! After they landed, they were amazed to see a man laughing uncontrollably! They asked him "What\'s the matter?" The man replied, "I farted and that 7-Eleven blew up!"
:nerd:
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What do you call a blonde thats been sitting in a cabinet?
The 1984 Hide and Go Seek Champion
This is my personal favorite joke... What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
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A Quarter-Pounder with Cheese :p
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Now that\'s old school.
How about this one...
What do you call an Ethiopian with an afro?
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Q-tip.
:fro: "who you callin Ethiopian b**ch!"
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how many f*gs does it take to put in a light bulb?
just one.....
but it takes a whole emergency room to get it out!
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Q. What has 3 legs and lives in the country?
A. Paul Macartney and his girlfriend.
Q. What has 4 legs and goes sssshhhhhhh?
A. Rod Hulls TV set.
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After a month of staying on his uncle Jim\'s farm, city boy Billy was quite bored. So after seeing his nephew mope around for a few days, uncle Jim handed him a shotgun.
Billy says "what\'s this for?"
Uncle Jim says with a wink,"why don\'t you take my huntin\' dogs into the woods and see if you can\'t scares yerself up some fun..."
Well after about 3 hours Billy comes back grinning ear to ear.
"well boy," says uncle Jim, "you manage t\' have some fun after all?"
"Did I ever!" says Billy. "Got any more dogs?"
:laughing:
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English football joke
Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Freddy Mercury were up in heaven. One day God came to talk to them. He said "If you could go back down to earth as any one person, who would it be"
Marilyn said "Madonna"
James said "Tom Cruise"
Freddy said "Marc Goodlad"
"Who\'s that?" asked God
"The port vale goalkeeper" replied Freddy
"But why would anyone want to go back as him" God asked, "He\'s not very popular or well respected is he?"
"True" said Freddy "but every week he\'s got 10 arseholes in front of him and 2000 dicks behind him!"
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How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but when that\'s done, the fridge and the microwave are broke.
How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that\'s a hardware problem :p
:D
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Originally posted by The Stapler
How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that\'s a hardware problem :p
WORD
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Originally posted by The Stapler
How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but when that\'s done, the fridge and the microwave are broke.
How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, that\'s a hardware problem :p
:D
Hey now, I know how to screw in a light bulb friend. Its that the d*mn television that keeps on shorting out though, not my fridge!:D
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An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a teenage boy with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy\'s hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black make-up around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What\'s the matter old man, haven\'t you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
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I\'m pretty sure I\'ve told this on the forums but its great
Two condoms are walking past a gaybar, one condom says to other "wanna get sh!t faced"
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Originally posted by Bozco
I\'m pretty sure I\'ve told this on the forums but its great
Two condoms are walking past a gaybar, one condom says to other "wanna get sh!t faced"
Speaking of condoms;
Three gay fellas were sitting in a hot tub when all of a sudden a condom come floating to the surface…One gay guy looks at the other two and asks…Okay who farted?
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
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Speaking of gay jokes:
Two gay guys were having sex. Then the one doing the butt-****ing says "Man i have to take a ****, whatever you do don\'t masturbate because i don\'t want white spots on my wall." when the guy comes back he see\'s white spots on the wall and says "I thought i told you not to play with yourself!" then the other guy said "I didn\'t, i farted!"
heha.
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these three gay guys were in the shower messing around when all of a sudden the female gym teacher comes in and sez...
oh wait, somebody already told that one. Sorry! ;)
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Originally posted by CHIZZY
these three gay guys were in the shower messing around when all of a sudden the female gym teacher comes in and sez...
oh wait, somebody already told that one. Sorry! ;)
:laughing: poor ##RaCeR##.
I have another joke:
Guy and a girl are having sex and they\'ve been going out for awhile. Their aniversery is tomorrow so the girl thought why not get her name BB tatooed on her ass? Later the two are in the shower when she drops the soap bends over and the guy goes, " Who the **** is Bob?"
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Shamalangadingdong...
come on, it\'s funny.
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My all time fave joke
What have women and KFC got in common?
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After you have finished with the leg and the breast, all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
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Now first off I\'m a newbie here so if they have been said just forget them:
Why do rotweilers lick there balls?
to get the taste of children out there mouth.
Why do baby\'s have soft spots in there heads?
so in a hospital fire you can carry them out 5 on each hand.
What sexual position makes ugly babies?
ask John Howards mum. (Aussie joke)
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Originally posted by Skyrider666
Why do rotweilers lick there balls?
Because they CAN....!?:D
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Hey I have a good one.
Bladez getting a girlfriend.
That one cracks me up :D
But hey, it\'s all good!
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Originally posted by Disc 2
English football joke
Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Freddy Mercury were up in heaven. One day God came to talk to them. He said "If you could go back down to earth as any one person, who would it be"
Marilyn said "Madonna"
James said "Tom Cruise"
Freddy said "Marc Goodlad"
"Who\'s that?" asked God
"The port vale goalkeeper" replied Freddy
"But why would anyone want to go back as him" God asked, "He\'s not very popular or well respected is he?"
"True" said Freddy "but every week he\'s got 10 arseholes in front of him and 2000 dicks behind him!"
man even JOKES about soccer suck
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Originally posted by jinxx
Hey I have a good one.
Bladez getting a girlfriend.
That one cracks me up :D
But hey, it\'s all good!
:laughing: yes that would be a good joke.
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Johnny woke up one morning and wanted some breakfast.
He says "mom can i have some breakfast"? she says u need to feed the animals johnny.
johnny says "ugh, alright.
So he goes outside and looks at the chicken and kicks him, does the same with the pig and the cow.
Johnny goes back inside and says "ok mom, all done feedin the animals". Johnny\'s mom says "first off i seen what u did to those animals. since ya kicked the chicken yur not getting any eggs, since ya kicked the pig your not gettin any bacon, since ya kicked the cow your not gettin any milk". and about the same time johnny\'s dad was walkin up the porch and he kicked the cat off the step. And little johnny says "mom should I tell him"?
what\'s the difference between a blonde and a freezer?
When ya pull the meat out of the freezer, it don\'t fart at ya.
what is Cuba\'s national anthem?
Row Row Row your boat.
Did ya hear about that chinese couple that had that retarded child?
They named him SUM TING WONG.
old couple was out doin some gardening one day. and the wife bent over and the husband says to her" damn honey, your butt gettin big, i bet it\'s as big as the gas grill. so needing to prove his point he gets a yardstick and measures the gas grill then his wife\'s butt. "well ill be damned" he says. She got mad and let him do the rest of the gardining. later that night, they were in bed and he says to her, hey honey how about a little lovemakin? she ignored him. he says awww come on honey? she says to him ya really think im gonna fire this big ass grill up for one little weenie?
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Originally posted by Mikal
Johnny woke up one morning and wanted some breakfast.
He says "mom can i have some breakfast"? she says u need to feed the animals johnny.
johnny says "ugh, alright.
So he goes outside and looks at the chicken and kicks him, does the same with the pig and the cow.
Johnny goes back inside and says "ok mom, all done feedin the animals". Johnny\'s mom says "first off i seen what u did to those animals. since ya kicked the chicken yur not getting any eggs, since ya kicked the pig your not gettin any bacon, since ya kicked the cow your not gettin any milk". and about the same time johnny\'s dad was walkin up the porch and he kicked the cat off the step. And little johnny says "mom should I tell him"?
what\'s the difference between a blonde and a freezer?
When ya pull the meat out of the freezer, it don\'t fart at ya.
what is Cuba\'s national anthem?
Row Row Row your boat.
Did ya hear about that chinese couple that had that retarded child?
They named him SUM TING WONG.
old couple was out doin some gardening one day. and the wife bent over and the husband says to her" damn honey, your butt gettin big, i bet it\'s as big as the gas grill. so needing to prove his point he gets a yardstick and measures the gas grill then his wife\'s butt. "well ill be damned" he says. She got mad and let him do the rest of the gardining. later that night, they were in bed and he says to her, hey honey how about a little lovemakin? she ignored him. he says awww come on honey? she says to him ya really think im gonna fire this big ass grill up for one little weenie?
:laughing: those were great.
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A man and a woman are sitting together on a trans atlantic flight and the plane plummets, the woman looks at the guy and tears off her shirt, she says "make me feel like a woman one more time". the guy tears his shirt off and says "here, iron this."
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them too.