PSX5Central
Non Gaming Discussions => Off-Topic => Topic started by: Tom on April 24, 2002, 11:23:47 AM
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A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We\'ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I\'ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for the week and set out my rod and tackle box. We\'re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
> > > The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill and a few Pike. But why > didn\'t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."
The moral? Be more careful.
:laughing:
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lol, thats a good one!!
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A man comes home to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed, over and over again.
Man: "What are you all happy about?"
Wife: " I visited the doctor today, and she told me I have the breasts of an eighteen year old! That made me feel so happy!"
Man: **rolls his eyes** "What did she say about your forty one year old ass?"
Wife: "Oh, your name never came up."
:)
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good stuff guys!!!
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Originally posted by luckee
good stuff guys!!!
That was SPAM!! And this is spam, you\'re all spamming, dirty spammers!
And I\'m bored so that makes it okay for me to make an ass outta myself.
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Yeah, I am going to have to agree with TheOmen on this one.
Luckee, you obviously did not push the thread along with your three words.. And the multiple use of explanation points, although I like them, does not make it any better. I therefore designate that post as Spam (Stamped Inspector General of the Spaminators)
Now for you TheOmen.. Well since you are not the inspector general, you do not have the ability to say wether something is spam or not. So therefore your post is Spam as well. Which you pointed out in your own post so I am going to have to give you two red cards. One for calling Luckee a spammer and one for calling yourself.
Oh, and Kopking.. Don\'t think I forgot about you.. Don\'t try and fool us with your abreviations. If you can\'t even type out your entire spam then you are the ulitmate spammer. Lol is the ulitmate spam and you used it. A+ to you..
I\'m bored and going to bed. cya.. I now return you to your quality scheduled program.
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Originally posted by Videoholic
Yeah, I am going to have to agree with TheOmen on this one.
Luckee, you obviously did not push the thread along with your three words.. And the multiple use of explanation points, although I like them, does not make it any better. I therefore designate that post as Spam (Stamped Inspector General of the Spaminators)
Now for you TheOmen.. Well since you are not the inspector general, you do not have the ability to say wether something is spam or not. So therefore your post is Spam as well. Which you pointed out in your own post so I am going to have to give you two red cards. One for calling Luckee a spammer and one for calling yourself.
Oh, and Kopking.. Don\'t think I forgot about you.. Don\'t try and fool us with your abreviations. If you can\'t even type out your entire spam then you are the ulitmate spammer. Lol is the ulitmate spam and you used it. A+ to you..
I\'m bored and going to bed. cya.. I now return you to your quality scheduled program.
you make me so proud sometimes.
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An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband\'s sex drive. \'What about trying Viagra?\' asks the doctor. \'Not a chance\' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won\'t even take an aspirin for a headache." \'No problem,\' replies the doctor. \'Drop it into his coffee, he won\'t even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.\' A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. \'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.\' \'What happened?\' asks the doctor. \'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible.\' \'What was terrible?\' said the doctor, \'was the sex not good?\'. "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I\'ve had in 25 years, but I\'ll never be able to show my face in McDonald\'s again.
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Originally posted by LUKE
you make me so proud sometimes.
Although saying kinds words to Inspector General is usually held in high regard, I may have to say that you have simply presented us with some Spam. I am honored to give you an A+.
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Originally posted by Tom G
A man comes home to find his wife jumping up and down on the bed, over and over again.
Man: "What are you all happy about?"
Wife: " I visited the doctor today, and she told me I have the breasts of an eighteen year old! That made me feel so happy!"
Man: **rolls his eyes** "What did she say about your forty one year old ass?"
Wife: "Oh, your name never came up."
:)
Now this one was funny!
Thanks Tom, you made my day.
That’s some good chit!:laughing:
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lol!!!!! they are all great, tough ive heard the mcdonalds one b4
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A Useless Boob
God created woman, and she had 3 breasts. He said to the woman,
"Is there anything on you that you\'d like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"
God snapped his fingers and it was done. She exclaimed, holding
the third breast in her hand, "What am I going to do with this
useless boob?"
And God created man. :-)
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Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill\'s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull screwing one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I\'d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."
"Well then, why don\'t you? "Mabel whispered back. "It is YOUR cow." *****
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn\'t need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn\'t seen in many years: raw sexual power!
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man\'s pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani\'s thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"
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True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn\'t, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where\'s that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.
According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That\'s pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife\'s been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife\'s been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what\'s happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife\'s accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She\'ll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you\'ll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you\'ll have to diaper her as she\'ll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you\'ll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she\'ll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I\'m afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she\'ll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I\'m just messing with you, she\'s dead."
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Tell the widow that the deceased\'s last wish was that she make love with you.
Tell the undertaker that he can\'t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
Tell the widow that you\'re the deceased\'s gay lover.
Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
Walk around telling people that you\'ve seen the will and they\'re not in it.
Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
Drive behind the widow\'s limo and keep honking your horn.
Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.
Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
Urge the widow to give the deceased\'s wooden leg to someone poor who can\'t afford firewood.
Walk around telling people that the deceased didn\'t like them.
Use the deceased\'s tongue to lick a stamp.
Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
Take up a collection to pay off the deceased\'s gambling debts.
Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.
Put Crazy Glue on the deceased\'s lips just before the widow\'s last kiss.
Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
When no-one\'s looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased\'s mouth.
Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.
Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
Tell everyone you\'re from the IRS and you\'re confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.
Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn\'t keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
Write "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.
Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.
If its a woman, spread her legs and write "Dying for a Shag" on the side of the coffin.
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As we "celebrate" the first 25 years of Microsoft, we take a look ahead at what the future holds for the next 25 years at Microsoft...
2001 .NET system goes online, human decisions are removed from the office environment.
2001 2:14am, August 29th, .NET become self-aware, corporations try to pull the plug but it\'s too late, .NET strikes back.
2002 Internet Explorer 6.0 for Windows released.
2004 Supreme Court rules to break up Microsoft.
2005 President Gates disbands Supreme Court, orders break up of Sun Microsystems, IBM and Oracle.
2006 Windows 2004 released.
2007 Microsoft purchases Napster-Disney-Cisco-Coke-Ford-Avis to compete with Oracle-AOL-3Com-Pepsi-GM-Hertz and GE.
2008 Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 84 released.
2009 Gates\' second term as President begins.
2010 Microsoft Office surpasses the 18 Terabyte mark.
2012 Windows 2010 Service Pack 1 released.
2013 Windows 2010 released.
2015 Microsoft releases Internet Explorer 6.0 for Apple Macintosh.
2016 Microsoft enhances their only innovation by introducing the "Red Screen of Death."
2020 Bill Gates purchases Linus Torvalds.
2021 Researchers develop first crash-proof operating system, then destroy it. They are just that evil.
2024 Microsoft genetic engineers realize Bill Gates\' childhood dream and develop the first talking rabbit.
2025 A reunited Backstreet Boys perform at the 50th anniversary of the founding of Microsoft.
:)
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don\'t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don\'t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don\'t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde\'s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What\'s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn\'t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what\'s the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
:D
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lol the one about the blonde was very funny..
but i think someones got a thing for dead peep here!!!! though i liked the vampire teeth one, and the maggots
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Originally posted by kopking
lol the one about the blonde was very funny..
but i think someones got a thing for dead peep here!!!! though i liked the vampire teeth one, and the maggots
It\'s funny you should mention that. As was trying to sleep last night, I was wondering why most of the jokes people find so funny are either sexual, blonde, or death related. Go figure.;)
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Thats some funny ****
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bump :bounce:
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Originally posted by Tom G
bump :bounce:
It’s starting to smell a bit like (https://psx5central.com/community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.someplacesomewhere.com%2Fuploaded%2Fproject86%2FGoodGone3_animation.gif&hash=2b84a4dd48e0865c9a188734ec4e6e07ba3e6c72) in here.
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Originally posted by project86
It’s starting to smell a bit like (https://psx5central.com/community/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.someplacesomewhere.com%2Fuploaded%2Fproject86%2FGoodGone3_animation.gif&hash=2b84a4dd48e0865c9a188734ec4e6e07ba3e6c72) in here.
yeah this is the 3rd bump ive seen from you in like the first 10 mins ive been on here
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Originally posted by kopking
yeah this is the 3rd bump ive seen from you in like the first 10 mins ive been on here
*bump*
whatever do you mean man?
:D
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lol... i mean hes bumped his threads up, which everyones seen that why they aint getting no hits