PSX5Central
Non Gaming Discussions => Off-Topic => Topic started by: videoholic on July 06, 2003, 04:25:57 AM
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A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled. It doesn\'t affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you; I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we\'ll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the post office, we don\'t do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.
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here\'s an oldie....
An Englishman, an Irishman and a scot are all drinking in the same pub. This particular pub has a broken front door, and the place is soon full of flies. Soon after a new round is put out for the three, a fly lands in the Englishman\'s pint. As the other two watch in amusement he carefully takes out his handkerchief, removes the beast, and orders a fresh pint. While this is happening, flies land in the other two gents\' drinks. The Scot takes a look at the bugger, shrugs his shoulders, and downs the whole pint, fly and all. Thn the Englishman and the Scot watch the Irishman curse the fly up and down, pull the bug from his pint, and shake the little guy up and down, yelling:
"Spit it out, ye little thief! Spit it out!"
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;)
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i dont get it
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that\'s because you\'re ghey.
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no seriously, i dont get it.
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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No Baby Talk!
"You need to use \'Big People\' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use \'Big People\' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done . "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use \'Big People\' words."
She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That\'s WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
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When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks
his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph\'s condition could be cured
through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph\'s legs, aren\'t you?"
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I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a
dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my future mother-in-law. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can\'t overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once....
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn\'t say a word. So, she said, "I\'ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."
I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn\'t have asked for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Moral: Always keep your condoms in your car.:boink:
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I\'ll keep that in mind vid :thumb:
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Q: Who invented the door knocker ?
A: I can\'t remember his name but i am shure he won the Nobell peace prize.
;)
yes i deserve to be banned for that :(.
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A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I\'ll tell you what, I\'ll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can\'t see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
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A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he\'s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today, Racer?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You\'re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Racer, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That\'s right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let\'s head out for some ice cream, and then I\'ll buy that new bike you\'ve been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
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An Australian ventriloquist, visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he\'ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G\'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn\'t talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how\'s it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin\' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn\'t talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how\'s it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep\'s a f***ing liar! "
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A drunk guy in the bar says "Hey bartender, gimmie a drink"
Bartender says "No you\'ve had to many already"
A few minutes later the drunk asks again with the same answer. But the 3rd time he asked the bartender told him to leave. So the drunk asks to use the crapper before he goes. The bartender lets him.
A few minutes later the Bartender hears a scream. He ignores it, until he hears it again a couple minutes later. He goes and investigates.
Bartender "whats the matter?"
Drunk guy "well everytime I try to flush the toilet reaches up and grabs me in the balls and squeezes."
Bartender looks at him and says "Um, sir, that is the mop bucket"
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a lady went to her doctor complaining of tummy pains.
after the examination, the doctor tells the lady.
"you\'ll be changing nappies in 9 months"
she asks. "am I pregnant?"
"no, you have bowel cancer."
AHAHHAHAHHAHAHH!!H!H!HH!H!H!H
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ViVi will think that\'s funny.
What\'s a nappie?
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like a dyper(sp)
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ah.. gotcha... a diaper. I know them very very well.
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Originally posted by Stupid Mop
An Australian ventriloquist, visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he\'ll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "G\'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn\'t talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how\'s it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin\' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn\'t talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how\'s it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep\'s a f***ing liar! "
I don\'t get it :cursin:
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Originally posted by Titan
I don\'t get it :cursin:
Really?
He\'s having sex with his sheep. :eek:
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don\'t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don\'t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don\'t know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde\'s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What\'s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn\'t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it\'s the blonde\'s turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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That\'s a funny joke, but what would make it better is a freaking return key once and a while. :cursin:
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can we tell sick jokes on here?
not racist don\'t worry.
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I\'m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don\'t care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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"Wanna hear a long joke?"
"Sure."
"Joooooooooooooooooooooooooooke."
:laughing: