PSX5Central
Non Gaming Discussions => Off-Topic => Topic started by: Kimahri on November 11, 2003, 02:46:17 PM
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Oldie but a goodie
why i fired my secretary
A few weeks ago was my 30th birthday and I wasn\'t feeling too
good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would
be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a
present for me.
As it turned out, she didn\'t even say good morning, let alone any
happy birthday. I thought, well, that\'s wives for you, the
children
will remember..
The children came in to breakfast and didn\'t say a word. So when
I
left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good
morning,
Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone
had
remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door
and said, "You know, it\'s such a beautiful day outside, and it\'s
your
birthday, let\'s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that\'s the greatest thing I\'ve heard all day.
"Let\'s go!" We went to lunch.
We didn\'t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a
private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it\'s
such a beautiful day. We don\'t need to go back to the office,
do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let\'s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her
apartment she said, "Boss, if you don\'t mind, I think I\'ll go into
the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!"
I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children,
and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ----
on the couch ----
naked.
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in the words of the ever wise, spudz... "you know what to do, list em bitch"
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THat wasn\'t a joke. That was a story..
Either that or the punch line needs to be reworked so you don\'t see it coming from all the way back in the first paragraph.
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that happend to me, except it wasn\'t my secratary but my grandma.
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Originally posted by videoholic
THat wasn\'t a joke. That was a story..
Either that or the punch line needs to be reworked so you don\'t see it coming from all the way back in the first paragraph.
you\'re funny, when did you start doing stand-up?
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Originally posted by Kimahri
in the words of the ever wise, spudz... "you know what to do, list em bitch"
I know your mocking me, so theirfor If I could find insulting canadian jokes I would, but alas I cant- ****.
Some here:
The Flasher
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady, well, she couldn\'t reach that far.
Sweet roses
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
Q: What do puppies and gynecologists have in common?
A: Wet noses.
Baked Beans
Baked beans and their delightful tune
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn\'t imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he\'d have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Abortion
Q: What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
A: A cancelled Czech!
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If they offend you thats your fault.
Ill post more later.
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Originally posted by theomen
that happend to me, except it wasn\'t my secratary but my grandma.
Dude thats just sick I can hear it now..
After arriving at GRANDMA\'S apartment she said, "THEOMEN, if you don\'t mind, I think I\'ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
Grandma went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ----
on the couch ----
naked.
MAN thats just sick brutha sick I tell you!
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sick...and true
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Theomen, what were you doing naked when your grandma left? You are quite scary. It would be a bit more relief if you are looking or fantasing about porn that makes you naked. Otherwiser, grandma....(shiver)...
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funny one
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it was nothing weird, she was just helping me shave my testicles.
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Here\'s a joke
A 8 yearold kid, Joey, goes to school and the teacher asks the class "Who\'s your hero?" One kid raises his hand and answers "My hero\'s Superman." The teacher smiles and ask\'s the class if anyone else would like to share, Joey raises his hand. The teacher calls on him and he responds with "My hero\'s my Dad" The teacher say "well thats just super, so what\'s he like" Joey looked at her quizically, "What\'s he like? Well, Beer and titties"
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Quote | Reply
Today\'s my 30th birthday and I wasn\'t feeling too good in morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn\'t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that\'s wives for you, the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn\'t say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. "Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it\'s such a beautiful day outside, and it\'s your birthday, let\'s go to lunch, just you
and me." I said, "By George, that\'s the greatest thing I\'ve heard all day. Let\'s go!" We went to lunch.
We didn\'t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it\'s such a beautiful day. We don\'t need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let\'s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don\'t mind, I think I\'ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake -- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And I just sat there on the couch naked.
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What the hell are you doing LIC?
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He can\'t be going for evidence.. he took off the name of the original poster...
Maybe he has a long hillarious comment that goes in right there, but that he was going to edit inot the post cause it\'s taking 5 minutes to type.
Maybe he accidentally hit post.
I don\'t think I\'ve ever seen someone post a whole quote, and then no text at all...
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WORD
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no offenes to blondes
Q how does blonde turn on a light
A she opens the car door
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Originally posted by Spudz
Abortion
Q: What do you call an abortion in Czechslovakia?
A: A cancelled Czech!
wtf? Czechoslovakia doesn\'t even exist, and I don\'t get it...:(
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Originally posted by politiepet
wtf? Czechoslovakia doesn\'t even exist, and I don\'t get it...:(
Heh... a Czech is from Czechoslovakia, a cancelled Czech = a cancelled check. At least that what\'s I got from it. :)
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ehrm...czechoslovakia doesn\'t even exist anymore....
it\'s split up. you now have czech republic and slovakia
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I feel stupid.
:(
I was surfin at Dropzone.com and someone posted that joke. I then came over here and it said "Joke thread" and I didn\'t even read the page. Just posted the joke I saw at Dropzone..
Oops?
On uhm..a side note...joke is on you! I posted something and you all are confused..yeah..that\'s what happened.
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Originally posted by politiepet
ehrm...czechoslovakia doesn\'t even exist anymore....
it\'s split up. you now have czech republic and slovakia
you over-analyzing beotch! You ruined a cancelled Czech joke!
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Originally posted by Living-In-Clip
I feel stupid.
:(
I was surfin at Dropzone.com and someone posted that joke. I then came over here and it said "Joke thread" and I didn\'t even read the page. Just posted the joke I saw at Dropzone..
Oops?
On uhm..a side note...joke is on you! I posted something and you all are confused..yeah..that\'s what happened.
50 lashes with a wet noodle plus ten more replies to mm\'s thread about Kill Bill. :)
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Here\'s a great one......
2 Guys walk into a Bar..
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You\'d think the 2nd one would have ducked.
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bwahahahahha :laughing:
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Why do blondes have bruises around their belly-buttons?
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Because blond guys are stupid too!
Badum-ching!
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Originally posted by Samwise
Heh... a Czech is from Czechoslovakia, a cancelled Czech = a cancelled check. At least that what\'s I got from it. :)
And I thought it was read as "a cancelled chest."
:beer:
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Politepet you ruined my abortion joke!
I hate you.
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okay...I\'m gonna say this one last time....it\'s POLITIEPET...not politepet, notice the I? :@ I\'m not some kind of friendly animal :(
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Some new jokes:
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese!
A Leprechaun and his Bodily Fluids
One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy\'s face. Then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I\'ll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man\'s face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I\'m going to cut your pecker off."
The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don\'t have peckers."
Then the man said, "If you don\'t have peckers, then how do you ejaculate?"
"By spitting," said the leprechaun.
English, Irish & Scottish Football
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I\'ll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I\'ll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
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Ill look for some nasty ones later.
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okay...I\'m gonna say this one last time....it\'s POLITIEPET...not politepet, notice the I? :@ I\'m not some kind of friendly animal
Its not my fault you cant spell, :D
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Originally posted by Paul2
And I thought it was read as "a cancelled chest."
:beer:
Are you mocking me? I know where you live, I\'ll hunt you down and kill you like an animal!
*takes pills*
Ah that\'s better. :D
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no, I am not mocking you. :rolleyes:
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Originally posted by Paul2
no, I am not mocking you. :rolleyes:
Aww, don\'t make eyes at me. I wubs you.
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A man is sitting at a park bench explaining to his friend how his dog loves to lick putang the dog just sits there with his long ole tounge hanging out and a nearby woman hears the converstaion and she just stares at this dogs long tounge minutes go by and she cant control herself any more she walks up to the man and says " Sir Im sorry I over heard your conversation... you said your dog loves to lick putang?" Why yes he does the man explains how he just absoulty loves it. She cannot stand it anymore she asks the man if the could go to the nearest hotel because she absoulty needs to have hers licked by this dog. They get to the hotel and the women undresses jumps on the bed and spreads her legs wide. The man tells the dog Ralphy go lick that putang... nothing happens.... Ralphy go lick that putang......... nothing happens finally the man yells DAMN IT RALPHY THIS IS THE LAST TIME IM GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS!
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^
:laughing:
Hmm, talk about "Animal Use"
S\'more
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you\'re in the best shape I\'ve seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn\'t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn\'t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn\'t say anything else, but when the old man\'s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband\'s in fine physical shape but I\'m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he\'s the one who\'s been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks.
Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out. I go up behind a girl and whisper, \'Tickle your ass with a feather?\' And when she turns around and asks what I said, I say, \'Typical nasty weather.\' If she smiles or laughs, I know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all happens naturally. Try it."
The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a drink, getting more uptight every second. Finally, he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear, "Stick my finger in your ass?"
She turns around and says, "WHAT!?"
He says, "It\'s freaking pouring outside."
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Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks.
Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out. I go up behind a girl and whisper, \'Tickle your ass with a feather?\' And when she turns around and asks what I said, I say, \'Typical nasty weather.\' If she smiles or laughs, I know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all happens naturally. Try it."
The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a drink, getting more uptight every second. Finally, he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear, "Stick my finger in your ass?"
She turns around and says, "WHAT!?"
He says, "It\'s freaking pouring outside."
I don\'t get it :(
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I get it, it\'s good.
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I don\'t get either.
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Even simple minds, cannot understand simple jokes.
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You saying I\'m simple minded? :mad:
*kicks spudz in the crotch*
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Simple minded does not mean stupidity.
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I thought it was funny. However, due to the fear of Paul2 mocking me, I won\'t explain it to you lesser beings. ;)
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Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!
Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Q. What\'s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a \'\'quickie\'\', only you do it yourself.
Q. Why don\'t little girls fart?
A. Because they don\'t get assholes until they\'re married.
Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. What\'s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
Q. Why don\'t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don\'t have time.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife\'s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he\'s in, he shuts up!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you\'re screwed.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don\'t know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don\'t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...
Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).
Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.
Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!
Q. Why is a woman\'s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged
Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom\'s apple pie.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They\'re going to call her Old Spice.
Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ****
Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.
Q. What\'s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don\'t whistle on the way down.
Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the **** is she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won\'t shit on the floor.
Q. Why can\'t women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What\'s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. What\'s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.
Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you\'ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don\'t look down.
Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.
Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops ****ing you after you\'re dead.
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls
Q. What\'s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn\'t fart when you pull your meat out!
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don\'t talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don\'t have eyes.
Q. What\'s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore\'s **** everyone at the party, Bitches **** everyone at the party except you.
Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!
Q. What\'s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you
Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.
Q. What\'s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can\'t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
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One day, there was 3 men at heaven\'s gate waiting to go to heaven.
God was standing there and asked the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" The first guy said "I\'ve only cheated on her 2 times".
God then said, "Well, you will get a small car to drive around in heaven".
God then asked the second guy "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The second guy answered, "Well, I\'ve only cheated on her 1 time". God said, "Well, you get a medium size car to drive around in heaven". Then God asked the third guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The third guy answered, "I have always been faithful to my wife, I\'ve never cheated on her." God said, "Well, you get a cadilac to drive around in heaven".
Then after the three men were in heaven driving around in there cars, the first 2 men saw the other man crying in his Cadilac. They went over to him and said, "What are you crying about, you got the biggest, finest, car to drive around in heaven and you\'ve always been faithful to your wife, what could be so wrong to make you cry?" The third man looked up and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard".
Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about \'courting\' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging her I figured \'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he\'s not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time \'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she\'s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel\'s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn\'t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis\'s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.
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10 ways to annoy your stall mate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"may I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn\'t have put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Damn, this water\'s cold."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
6. Say, "Hmmm, I\'ve never seen that color before."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor\'s while yelling, "Whoa! Easy
boy!"
11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.\'"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then
say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
13. Say, "C\'mon Mr. Happy! Don\'t fall asleep on me now."
14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you
squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."
16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.
18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free."
Dishes and Vaseline
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don\'t say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven\'t done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Sdteve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I\'ll do the damn dishes!"
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Samwise, I am not mocking you. I just found you joke quite funny and i thought cancelled chest was funny. What makes you think I am mocking you?
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ha ha, some good jokes, liked the first "story", never heard it b4
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Originally posted by Paul2
Samwise, I am not mocking you. I just found you joke quite funny and i thought cancelled chest was funny. What makes you think I am mocking you?
I\'m just kidding. Relax, I\'m weird that way. ;)
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Okay.
:clown: ;)