PSX5Central
Playstation/Gaming Discussions => Gaming Discussion => Topic started by: BizioEE on January 06, 2023, 01:23:16 PM
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WOW, it looks fantastic, on Unreal Engine 5 :wav:
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looks nice. B)
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it is just me or does the graphic looks like polished ps3 graphic?
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it is just me or does the graphic looks like polished ps3 graphic?
It looks less impressive than what I've seen in the first reveal, but still I'm happy with the graphics. I'm confident the final Game will be great, both graphics and gameplay :)
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yeah. let's hope so.
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Looks pretty good. Though probably won't pick it up. I suck at fighting games hahaha. But even if it does look like a polished PS3 game, that doesn't bother me. I play a lot of PS3 and Xbox 360 games to this day and I still think those graphics hold up very well in 2023.
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graphic looks decent i suppose but the physics still look like its 2 generations old.
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graphic looks decent i suppose but the physics still look like its 2 generations old.
Graphics is good, but as you have said, the animation and physics engine does not look "next Gen", and this appears to happen in many Games coming out for PS5/XBox Series and PC.
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It's you, Paul ? B)
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lol BizioEE. clever joke you made there. :laughing:
btw, it seems to me as though they downgrade the graphic and physic for this game or something like that.
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lol BizioEE. clever joke you made there. :laughing:
btw, it seems to me as though they downgrade the graphic and physic for this game or something like that.
I'm happy with the Graphics, in the end, it's running on Unreal Engine 5. I also like the destructible stages and so on.
There's a video which focus on this, I liked it : go at minute 2:24
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i just watched the whole entire video and i have trouble staying focus on what the narrator is talking about. sorry, i fall into depression for this past 6 days and i sleep as much as 16 to 17 hours a day that i feel like a zombie and i just got up from sleeping just now and i still feel tired.
i did rewatched the first 30 seconds of it and it said something about a book about the history of tekken 1 to tekken 7 second season.
anyway, on my first watched of the video, around the middle part, it said something about the tekken movie that didn't do well. i never watched the movie so i don't know. never bought the movie on disc like blu ray for that matter. that is probably a good thing since they said the movie sucks.
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Mark my words, this Tekken will sell like hot cakes, and it will be the best Tekken of the series.
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graphic still looks like polished ps3/xbox360 graphic.
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graphic still looks like polished ps3/xbox360 graphic.
As much as I like you, I have to disagree on this :
It happened to me as well, and memories can be so different from reality.
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i just watched most of the tekken 6 video that you posted and compare it to your older previous video of tekken 8 and i still feel like tekken 8 still looks like polished ps3/xbox360 graphic and physic. sure tekken 8 has much higher polygons count, better texture, and runs in 4k60p compares to 720p60. but the shaders or the lighting isn't that much improve. so is the physics. they look very similar.
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Tekken has never been so great, can't wait ;)
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She is sexy ! Isn't it ? :D
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As a gay person, she doesn't do anything for me but the video does looks nice. graphic and physic still look like polished ps3/xbox360 quality to me though.
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As a gay person, she doesn't do anything for me but the video does looks nice. graphic and physic still look like polished ps3/xbox360 quality to me though.
Buddy, this looks 5X better than PS360 graphics, it's night and day difference. Our memories can be so different from reality, it happened to me as well ;)
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5 times better is not a lot. maybe that is why its looks like polished ps3/xbox360 graphic.
i was expecting hundred of thousand times better like at least 100,000 times better but only 5 times better than ps3/xbox360 is like polished ps3/xbox360 graphic there i think.
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5 times better is not a lot. maybe that is why its looks like polished ps3/xbox360 graphic.
i was expecting hundred of thousand times better like at least 100,000 times better but only 5 times better than ps3/xbox360 is like polished ps3/xbox360 graphic there i think.
In terms of processing power, it's easy 60-70 times what a PS3 or 360 can do; when I said 5 times better, I didn't mean a difference in power, raw power, just saying Tekken 8 looks sooo much better than any fighting game on the above mentioned old consoles. It's night and day difference. But if you were expecting more, it's perfectly legitimate.
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WOW !
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the graphic looks good but the lighting still doesn't look that good though.
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is it just me or the graphic looks much better this time around?
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its kind of disappointing that some of this generation games graphics and physics feel like 1 to 2 generations old.
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the new character, i think its the new character named Claudio Serafino looks quite cute.
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is it just me or does the graphic looks much better this time around?
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is it just me or does the graphic looks much better this time around?
I got the same impressions, looks like the Graphics have been improved, at least the last video impressed me much more. I love the gameplay in Tekken, furthermore the scenarios are destructible and larger and more articulated, and very fast and smooth action. I think this Game could be a Day One for me :)
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JANUARY 26, 2024
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Tekken 8 won best Sony PlayStation game award at Gamescom 2023 !
This is a Day One for my son and I.
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Gameplay will be a blast !
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WOW !
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hey bizioee, i made a birthday thread for you way early in the morning today. hope you can visit it and chime in.
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hey bizioee, i made a birthday thread for you way early in the morning today. hope you can visit it and chime in.
I visited it right now, and this is a little gift for you :
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well thank you. you must have been a big fan of tekken video games series to share this many video clips about tekken 8. do you like it more than mortal kombat and street fighters?
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well thank you. you must have been a big fan of tekken video games series to share this many video clips about tekken 8. do you like it more than mortal kombat and street fighters?
I loved Tekken, Tekken2 and Tekken3 on my first Playstation, I and my friends played them to death :D
Tekken 8 give me the same vibes I had with all the Tekken games on Playstation one. I will wait for PS5 PRO, to play
it in full glory. I also like a lot MK, but Tekken for me is number one.
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cool. i like tekken too. my first and last tekken game i used to owned and play was tekken tag tournament on the playstation 2. the graphic back then for the ps2 version was so great for its time. i don't know how to play the game so i choose very easy mode so i can beat the game and watch each character's ending. quite fun time then.
i love mortal kombat too. i played mk1, mk2, umk3, mk trilogy, mk4, and mk armageddon. after umk3 and mk trilogy, i kind of suck at fighting games. actually after mk4 i think is where i am starting to get bad at fighting game that when newer fighting games come out, i don't know how to do any moves to beat the opponents. this is the case with mk armageddon. beside, i lost most interests in video games after summer 2002 that i very rarely play new video games and beat it. thinking about it now, i realize i didn't beat mk armaggedon to watch any of the characters ending though. anyway, i gave away mk armageddon and others game and my slim ps2 to my neighbor's friend over 11 years ago as a friend's gifts.
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Anyone who wants to match online after the game is released PM me to exchange PSN accounts. Great thing about this game it also has cross play between PC, XBOX and PS
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welcome back unicron!, i made a birthday thread for you over a month ago. hope you can visit it and chime in.
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Thanks bro
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you are welcome. i would like it if you can chime in on your birthday thread.
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that is such an adorable video clip of the brown bear and panda bear fighting. :D
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that is such an adorable video clip of the brown bear and panda bear fighting. :D
Yep, really funny and adorable fight :D
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that is such an adorable video clip of the brown bear and panda bear fighting. :D
This is even more cool :D
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that is so adorable! :D
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WOW !
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If you guys fancy we could arrange some online fights. I have the game pre-ordered
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If you guys fancy we could arrange some online fights. I have the game pre-ordered
Finally, you are back, where have you been ? :D
Give us support, if you have time, with posts, or New Thread.
Tekken 8 is the first game in the series to feature crossplay. This means that no matter what platform you’re playing on, you’ll be able to fight players on any other platform, hopefully spelling the end of long wait times.
Another great benefit of this is that you’ll finally be able to play with friends on other platforms. Previously, you would have needed to both own the game on the same platform to be able to fight one another, but with Tekken 8’s crossplay, you’ll be able to fight no matter what, finally !
Let's go !!!!!!!
Most of us already knew about that, so the message is for the ones who didn't.
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i am among one of those that didn't know tekken 8 is cross playable. now i do. :D
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Finally, you are back, where have you been ? :D
Too much toxicity was a big turn off so I took a big break from the BS.
But here I am. If you guys are into Tekken online let me know.
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just to be clear, i don't have a ps5 or xbox series x/s either. i am just trying to mentioned that i didn't know tekken 8 is cross playable until bizioee explained it.
i didn't own a ps4 or xbone either mostly because i lost most interest in videogames after summer 2002 that i didn't buy a ps4/5 or xbone or xsx/s after i bought a ps3. i mostly played old ps1 games on ps3 and very, very rarely do i play newer games because of it. lately, i been focusing practicing martial arts at the park that i don't mind losing interest in videogames. hopefully one day, i get good at martial arts practice. i also lost interest in watching movies/videos that i rarely watch any of it, especially ones that i haven't watched before probably due to depression.
hopefully by the time i get good at martial arts, i might get a ps6 in the future and get interest back in playing videogames and watch more movies/videos to past time.
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If you want my honest opinion, living and experiencing the outside world is more meaningful than videogames. Not going back to videogames and movies may actually be a great thing
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Finally, you are back, where have you been ? :D
Too much toxicity was a big turn off so I took a big break from the BS.
But here I am. If you guys are into Tekken online let me know.
OKe !
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If you want my honest opinion, living and experiencing the outside world is more meaningful than videogames. Not going back to videogames and movies may actually be a great thing
yeah, i agreed. but i have a mild case of social anxiety disorder that i don't have any real life friends. i used to have one best friend in high school, we were best friend for one year then we no longer become friends. mostly my fault though. that was from late 1998 to late 1999.
in mid 2012, i also made a friend and we were friends for a few months then we no longer become friends due to a misunderstanding. in august 2014, i cleared up a misconception that happened 2 years prior and i feel very relieve. but i no longer hang out with him anymore mostly because of social anxiety disorder i have and the age differences.
i also used to have 2 close chat friends from yahoo messenger and one of them i frequently chatted with since 2004 and the last time we chat were in 2014 and i haven't seen him on yahoo messenger afterward. after that, like a few years later, yahoo messenger shutdown and we lost contact since then.
you are right that living and experiencing the outside world is more meaningful than videogames and movies but unfortunately because of my mental disorder, i can get really lonely as day by day passes by. it would be nice if i can hang out with real life friends every day or every few days so i won't be so lonely. practicing martial arts at the park is great for me, but would be much nicer if i can hang out with friends after martial arts practice or chat with one online so i won't be a loner. :(
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I feel you bro. Social anxiety most of the times if not always comes from past trauma. Trauma makes us lose ourselves in our heads.
I suspect that you may sometimes feel judgemental about yourself not managing to establish real connections.
Quite often, especially in the modern developed world, many people experience a lot of disconnection from others, because society is not facilitating an environment that fits everyone. Being bombarded with other people's lives that isn't necessarily compatible with you, nor does it offer the proper starting point to thrive may cause feelings of dread and despair.
I assure you that videogames may serve as a comfort zone that might trap you in a situation of non-resolution of the trauma that fuck your mind.
I would say discover more social activities you would have loved doing if you were the man you want to be, instead of letting social anxiety deciding for you what to avoid even if it sounds uncomfortable. Not for the sake of forcing yourself to make friends, but for the sake of enjoying the process of development and serving yourself, while being observant of how you feel, the causes of it and gradually increase your interactions. Life is full of trial and error and we should keep pushing.
For starters though, because the root is sometimes something biological and hidden, I suggest eliminating fast food, reduce sugar consumption, exposure yourself to the daylight and do a detailed blood analysis. Also if you waste time on porn, I suggest eliminating it COMPLETELY! It fucks your brain's dopamine regulation!
For example B12 and Vitamin D deficiencies are quite common and many people ending up consuming antidepressants when the problem is a deficiency. Vitamin D is vital for the transfer of serotonin to your neurotransmitters and B vitamins are essential for the proper maintenance, function and protection of our neurological system! If you have deficiencies you may be feeling mentally stressed and depressed
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i suffer from social anxiety disorder from a head injury. in probably around 1996 in vietnamese school in a temple in america, a vietnamese boy pulled my left ear so hard that it stretched out the skin on the scalp of the side of my left head that the stretched out scalp of the upper left side of my head became a scar. it also stretched out my left temple and the stretched out skin on my left temple became a lump. i also got a lump on the upper left side of my forehead and a big lump on the back of my left ear too because of that.
because of the scar on the back of my upper left side of my head and the lump on my left temple, i started to get social anxiety disorder. that time, i didn't know i have social anxiety disorder and didn't know the head injuries cause that either. it took me about 16 1/2 to 17 years later since the ear pulled incident to discovered that that i have social anxiety disorder and the cause of it was from the ear pulled around 16 1/2 to 17 years prior. that is a very long time to realized that was the case. knowing is half the battle, and getting the right help is another half the battle.
a few years after the ear pulled incident, probably either late 1998 or late 1999 to early 2000, the only 3 disorders that i know caused from the ear pulled is pain on where the upper left side on the back of my head was, anger, and paranoia. that time, i think if i remember correctly, i realized the paranoia is also caused from the lump on the left temple of my head too.
i ended up in juvenile hall in mid march 2000 because of it after about 4 years since the ear pulled incident. the pain on where the scar is on the back of my upper left side of my head made me get angry easily, not only that but amplified my anger too after about 2 1/2 to 3 years of not treating it. in either late december 1998 to early january 1999 is where i got the first sign of pain and anger from where the scar is. probably in january 1, 1999 (gives or take a couple days or so), where i first experiencing pain and anger that i broke a playstation 1 after i bought it for about a month. i can't remember if its my middle or my oldest brother that did something that i lose the game when i was playing a videogame. its been so long that i don't remember which brother did something that made me angry and i don't remember exactly what he did either.
the scar on my head amplified my anger that i gotten so angry that i picked up the ps1 that i was playing and threw it against the carpet floor in the living room that time. i broke the ps1. that time, i knew it was the scar that made me get angry easily and the scar also amplified the anger too. so it took about 2 1/2 to 3 years where i got the scar and left untreated that it caused me to get angry easily and it amplified my anger. think of it like stepping on a hose, the water struggles to flow through the hose where the foot step on it, and as years go by left untreated, the clogging ruined the part where the hose was being step on for years. another very good example is think of it like a bubble gum being stretched out. like the ear pulls, it stretches out the skin on the scalp near where the ear is. the stretched out skin can be called a scar and if left untreated for years, the blood and oxygen struggle to flow through where the scar is because the stretched out skin or the scar squeezed against my skull. as years go by, i am starting to experience pain on exactly where the scar is and i get angry easily and it amplifies my anger too. its exactly like having a stroke. nearly 2 years ago is when i realized its was exactly like having a stroke.
i will take a break from now and continue my life's story journal here later.
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in early january 1999 after i broke the ps1, i wanted to buy a ps1 again and switch the broken ps1 with the working brand new ps1 to get a refund by returning the broken ps1. by that i mean to get the 2nd ps1 for free by switching it. when winter holidays were over and school started again, i asked my best friend if i can borrow $130ish and i will pay him back but he doesn't let me borrow it. understandable, if i think about it years later, i understand that even if he let me borrow $130ish, what if i don't return it back to him and that was what he was worry about and that is probably the biggest reason why he didn't let me borrow it.
i don't remember exactly what happened afterward but if i remember correctly, probably my 2nd oldest sister and my 2nd oldest brother went to walmart and bought a brand new ps1 for $130 before tax. i don't remember exactly when after i broke the ps1 to buy a brand new one again. maybe a week to like a couple of weeks or a bit longer than that. if its like a few weeks, i probably use the lunar new years money that i received from family and relative and maybe gave my 2nd oldest sister and middle brother $140ish money after tax to buy me a new ps1.
not long after they bought me a ps1, i switched out the broken one with a brand new one in the original carton box and maybe one to somedays later, i told them to return it to get the money back. not long after they returned it, like maybe a few hours later, when my brother got home, he told me that walmart employee(s) wanted the electronics to inspect it but they decided not to or something like that and refunded back $140ish after tax. if i spent my new year money, probably my brother gave me back $140ish dollar. that is what i don't remember what happened if i spent new year money and got it back or they spent their money and got a full refund.
it does proof i am not perfect. if i remember correctly, in those 7 to 8 months, after i broke the ps1 and switched for a new one, i think the pain in the scar on my upper back of my left head doesn't come out again and i feel calm during those 7 to 8 months. i remember buying final fantasy vii for the ps1 in summer 1999 after it goes on sale for $20 instead of $50 and when we got home, i went with my middle brother and my mom, maybe my oldest brother too to probably to best buy to buy it. anyway, when we got home, i don't remember if it was me that opened the ffvii wrapper and opened up the cd case or if it was my middle brother. but i do remember my middle brother hold the disc probably with his finger in the disc center hole, and he accidently dropped the disc and cause a scratch on it.
i noticed there is a scratch on the disc but because the pain on where the back of the upper left side of my head doesn't act up, there is no pain there that time, i feel calm and wasn't angry my middle brother accidently got it scratch. he blew the back of the disc where there is the scratch in hoping his breathe might heal or fix of where the scratch is on the disc. he probably blew it like a couple of times and the scratch is still there on the disc. that time i wasn't angry and i was calm and i said don't worry about it and said if i play this game on disc 1 and there is no problems. then it should be okay. before i said that, if i remember correctly, my middle brother said lets exchange it but i said if the game work despite the scratch then there is no need to exchange it. not long later when i played ffvii and some days later when i finished disc 1 and there are no problems with it so i don't mind the scratch.
that was probably either in late june, july, or early to mid august of 1999 when ffvii got on sale when we bought it. if i remember correctly, days, weeks, or a month or 2 or so after my mom bought me ffvii, i remember it was night time and my niece and cousin in law was hanging out with us and playing with us. we went to either a liquor store or a supermarket nearby, and probably on the way to the market and/or on the way back home from the market, if i remember correctly, my middle brother hid in the bush ahead of us and as we walked past the bush, he jumped out and scare us. i thought that was scary and funny at the same time. so i copied him, i can't remember if on the way to the market that i hid in the bush and scare my middle brother and my niece and cousin in law. but i do remember on the way back home, i ran to the bush ahead of them and hid there and jumped out and said boo or something like that to scare them. then seconds to a few minutes later, i hid in another bush or some spot like that to hid from them and scare them again for the 2nd as they walked past me.
this time, it probably upset my niece that she smacked my middle body and accidently hit one of my testicles hard, and it hurt my testicle. i got angry, beside my testicle hurts that time, i don't remember if the scar on the back of my upper left side of my head also in pain or not. but the anger made me became violent. so i punched her and i don't remember exactly where i punched her and how many times. maybe as little as 1 time to as many as 2 times. she got all quiet. when we got home and my middle brother made flan dessert to eat. i remember my niece was sitting on the table and was all quiet and it doesn't seemed like she was eating. my cousin in law who was sitting next to her asked her if she is okay or something like that and asked her if she wanted to go home. my niece nodded and my cousin in law asked again if she wanted to go home and my niece nodded again.
i don't remember what my cousin in law said next. maybe she didn't say anything mean or bad but after i heard that she asked my niece if my niece wanted to go home twice, i got really angry simply because they wanted to go home as if i did something wrong which i did that time. but i do remember getting angry and complained to her, my cousin in law that when i was younger, like several years prior, her siblings and cousins scratched my face so bad that i got scars on both side of my face. it was so long ago, i don't remember if she, this cousin in law was also involved scratching my face that i got scars from it years prior, so years later i brought that up after she asked my niece if she wanted to go home or not, and i can't remember what she said next but i do remember bringing up the time where maybe she too beside her siblings and cousin scratched my face and probably pulled my hair years prior. after i brought that up, i pulled her hair maybe as little as 1 time to as many as 2 times hard. she got angry and yelled that she wanted to go home. so maybe either my middle brother or my cousin in law called our oldest sister and sometimes later, like maybe half an hour later or so, my oldest sister came and brought us kfc chickens to eat. she then picked them up and took them home.
i don't remember exactly what month that incident happened, but it probably in mid august to early september of 1999. maybe some days, to some weeks, to like a month or 2 after i bought ffvii. what i am trying to say is, because of the scar on the back of the upper left side of my head left untreated, the pain eventually came out from it and got worst as time goes by that the pain made me get angry easily and it amplified my anger that i eventually became violent and quite dangerous too.
i will take a break from writing this journal for now. i will have dinner and floss my teeth before i go to sleep tonight.
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Sorry to hear that bro. To me it seems that you aren't only carrying the physical trauma of your scar, but also a lot of psychological traumas as well and are intertwined, one affecting the other.
The feelings of these experiences have never got away.
What is your plan to improve your situation?
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thanks for the kind words. greatly appreciated.
lets fast forward to year 2000, in march 16, 2000, i ended up in juvenile hall because of the violence things i did. the scar on the back of the upper left side of my head was in really bad pain and i got so angry i became violence that i ended up in juvenile hall. i was locked up for 4 months before i got release. there were like a couple of moments in there where i felt suicidal.
in summer 2001, when i first had a summer job and that was my first job ever in my entire life, my first boss was mean, controlling, and lazy. i worked as custodian aide and she was a custodian and she was suppose to clean the school and i aide her, by that i help her clean and organize the school but she didn't do any of the work and she made me and co workers do all of it and she took the credits and she got paid for doing nothing. i am guessing though that i believe she got paid as much as nearly 3 times more than we did per hour. if i remember correctly, i got paid minimum wage of $6.25 per hour that time and i suspect she got paid like $18 per hour for doing nothing. i remember she told me she worked for like 17 years already (as a custodian). so she probably got a raise every few years and although she never told me how much she made, but i suspect $18 per hour. that time, i thought she was the boss, she don't need to work and i thought it was her job to command us what to do.
until about 2 months later, i switched to a difference school and worked for a different boss. i was surprise he was working. i thought he doesn't need to work and i thought i didn't do a good job so that is why he help do some of the work for me. it turned out, i did a good job and it was his job to work too. he told me he was paid to do the work too and i just aide/help him do the works together. when i found that out, i was angry at my first boss from the previous job and school who manipulated me. doing janitor work, especially about the first 2 months with my first boss, it worsen the scar on the back of the upper left side of my head. it worn me out. it worsen the stroke. the last few days when i worked with my first boss, i got so angry about something and i felt suicidal before i switched to a different school and work for my 2nd boss.
in year 2002, i moved to this school and one of my teachers who is of german descent but pretended to be english descendant discriminated me from behind the other students and pretended to be nice to me in front of them and falsely accused me by implying that i discriminated him because he is english. but i didn't discriminated against him and he is not english either. he is german. it was the other way around. he discriminated against me part of it because i am asian. i got trauma because of it. because of social anxiety disorder i have, i kept my mouth shut when he discriminated against me and when he falsely accused me of discriminating against him. that time i still didn't know i have social anxiety disorder. on the day that he discriminated against me, i felt suicidal too. after his first discrimination, when school was dismiss for the day, on my way out of school campus and on the way home. i felt suicidal and couldn't believe the teacher did that to me that i wanted to jump into the road where the cars are driving and get run over by the car but i chickened out and didn't do it.
i will stop for now. i am going to go to mcdonald to get coffee and go to the park to play a little bit before i go home and continue my journal.
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nevermind since its still raining outside, i am not going to mcdonald until the rain stop which could be nearly an hour later.
in summer 2002, the scar on the back of the upper left side of head got so bad, i can feel the pain there. that time i thought it was the maximum pain until a little over 8 years later i experienced toothache pain and nearly another 3 years after that where i got taser that i realized the head pain i had in summer 2002 is more like medium pain instead of maximum pain. but it was unbearable and i told my mom to get me the right help many times. my mom didn't believe the scar on the back of the upper left side of my head cause so much pain that she somewhat gave me the wrong help to treat it.
we tried many things. one of the first things my mom did to treat it was boil water with herb in a pot and when the water was boil she put the pot on the floor with a mat under it, and cover me with a blanket over the pot so i can get the steam from the boiled water with herb to relieve the pain my head was having. think of it like having a steam in a steam room. it worked for like 1 to 2 hours and i felt very happy in those 1 to 2 hours then the pain on the back of the upper left side of my head returned again.
my mom also tried scrubbing the left side of my neck and shoulder with a round metal thing to get rid of the wind stroke and it probably worked somewhat if i remember correctly. then some minutes later or so, the pain on where the head scar was came back.
my mom also introduced me to acupuncture on the left side of my head. the acupuncturist punctured the needle on the back of my left ear, front of my left ear, left temple, and 2 more needles on the left and middle above my left eyebrow. on the first day and first time of acupuncture, after about 30 minutes later, i can feel the clogging on my left temple untangled and unclogged. it pretty much rid of my paranoia and social anxiety disorder. that time i still didn't know i have social anxiety disorder. later that day, probably around night time, my mom was playing solitaire and my oldest brother was standing behind her. i was sitting next to and facing her and my oldest brother was looking at me and i don't feel paranoid or uncomfortable that my oldest brother was looking at me. i can make eye contact better. that means the acupuncture works and it rid of my paranoia and social anxiety disorder that i didn't know i have that time. so the next day, i had another acupuncture and i got the same results. on the 3rd and last time, since the acupuncturist said i only needed to be acupuncture for 3 times only, so this time i told him to acupuncture the entire left side of my head in column like a mohawk in hoping to get rid of the clogged and mild pain that time where the scar was on the back of the upper left side of my head. either about 15 or 30 minutes later (its been so long i don't remember exactly when), after he removed all the needles, after a minute or so after the needles were all removed, i start having seizures. he then put me in bed and burned some paper and warmed the soles of both of my feet with it by moving the burned paper up and down close to the soles of my feet.
about 10 to 15 minutes or so after the seizure, i started to shake less and he let me go home and my mom drove me home and i still have a seizure but less severe this time around. probably another 15 or maybe another 30 minutes later when we got home that the seizure finally went away completely. i learned that acupuncture any spot where the scalp is are bad for me and anybody for that matter. maybe because there are nerves on where the scalp is and if acupuncture might damaged the nerves and i get dizzy and seizures from it. i also get chronic pain where punctured spot was on my scalp whenever i got drugged up.
afterward, other things we tried during summer of 2002 was had an x-ray and cat scan but they found nothing wrong with my head. so i was kind of in despair on trying to get the right help to get rid of the pain on the back of the upper left side of my head.
i will take a break down and go to McDonald this time around since the rain has stop for like 20 minutes already. i will continue my journal later.
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over half an hour ago, i was planning on going to McDonald but there is still a little bit of rain that after i walked for a minute then i decided to go back home and had brunch instead. i might go to McDonald later to get coffee.
in late 2002, maybe mid december 2002, at the family doctor clinic visit, either my mom or me asked the family physician if he can remove the scar on the back of the upper left side of my head. he said that since the x-ray and cat scan show nothing and its normal. he couldn't refer me to a doctor to do it or he couldn't anything about it or something like that. then he said if i wanted to get it remove, go to a plastic surgeon. they will do it but cost money.
so later that day or a day or two later, i asked my mom to look for a plastic surgeon to appoint one to check and remove the scar on my head. she looked through the news paper magazine ads and found one she called and made an appointment which is early january 2003. when we saw the plastic surgeon in january 2003, i decided to do both the surgery removal of my head's scar and nose surgery too. my mom try to stop me from getting head scar removal surgery because she didn't believe the scar on my head cause me pain and anger. she told me there was something wrong with my nose so she rather i have the nose surgery instead of the head scar removal surgery. so i told the surgeon to do both and he was willing too and it will cost $800 total for both the surgeries.
that time, i am sure my mom didn't believe me the head scar was caused from a hard ear pulled that she told the surgeon the scar was cause from i accidently banged my head against a mirror and it cut open the scalp and she told to check for crumbles of glasses in the scar when its time for the surgery. what she said wasn't true and i was careless about it as long as he removed the scar on my head and stitched it together. on the day of surgery, my mom reminded him again to check for crumb of glasses in my head before he performed the surgery. when he did the nose surgery, he use some kind of laser to burn both sides of my nostril (which is much safer than electric needle that an ear nose throat doctor used to punctured both sides of my nose which is a malpractice 7 years prior back in january 1996). later that night, the nose surgery made me struggle to breathe normally, and i was sitting in the hallway that night for like an hour struggling to breathe normally. after an hour or so later, i was finally to be able to breathe okay though thanks goodness, so my mom decision to give nose surgery only was a bad and deadly decision. it worsen my nose sensitivity while the head scar removal surgery was the right help and treatment to get rid of the pain and anger.
after the surgery, a week later is time to remove the thread on the stitches of where the scar was on my head. later that night, i took out a camcorder and recorded my face to see if i look any healthier after the surgery. then i transferred it to my computer and grab some frames of the video that i recorded of my face to see if i look healthier. i was sad and mad that i still look so ugly and so unhealthy. it affected my self esteem too. speaking about self esteem, i also suffer from self esteem disorder from the bacteria infection on my private area that time i didn't know i have until a decade later which is a different story now. after i looked at the pictures of my face that i recorded and i look so ugly that night that i ran from my bedroom to the kitchen where my mom was frying fishes and complained to her that i still not healthy looking or something like that. i probably arranged the pictures on the microsoft word page on the computer and printed them out that night or a day to some days later.
it was not until a month later, in february 2003, is when i started noticing i looked and feel healthier. my face felt healthier, less dried and more reddish, my lips are more moist and reddish, i felt less skinnier, my hair laydown somewhat like 55% to 60%. so it took like a month to see results. so either on the day i felt healthier or 1 to a few days later, i took the camcorder and recorded my face again. i grabbed some frames of the video i recorded of my face and i looked at it in the computer monitor and i can tell i look healthier and less ugly. i was somewhat happy. but i still feel the scar in my head wasn't remove completely and i can still feel the clogged and mild pain from it. he probably removed only like about 55% of the scar and there are still 45% of the scar left. that time i thought it was like 70% removed but it was somewhat less than that, either way, its was not completely removed.
so some days later, i asked my mom to take me to see the plastic surgeon to remove the scar completely on my head. so she did and the plastic surgeon was willing to remove it. my mom probably paid $60 for the doctor visit. he said since its still tender from the previous january head scar removal. wait till april 2003 to make it 3 months so it won't be tendered so it will be safe to remove it. the nice thing is he didn't charge us for the scar revisions.
in april 2003, after the 2nd scar surgery removal, hours later, either as i was taking a shower with the shower head cover my head or not long after i took the shower, i could feel my skin more moist, my lips more moist and redder, i can also feel the tongue in my mouth more moist and healthier. i also notice my hair lay down too. then a week later, i had the thread removed from where the stitches were at the plastic surgeon clinic. not long afterward, i notice he only like remove about 85% of the scar this time and there is still like 15% of the scar left. because when i touch the scar area on my head, i can feel a little tingling sensation and ticklish sensation of where the scar was. i also notice the hair surrounding the scar area, about 1 inch surrounding the scar area still stick up instead of laying down.
but anyway, it was not until may 2003, a month later after the surgery, was when i recorded my face with the camcorder and i grab pictures of it and compare to see the improvements on my face. sure enough, i look a lot healthier, more calm, skin is more moist and lighter, lips more red, less skinnier, hair lay down pretty much completely except the hair surrounding the back of the upper left side of my head which wasn't shown in the picture. because of my social anxiety disorder and paranoia, i rarely go outside much especially in the sunny area much to get some sun and fresh air. that my skin got naturally white instead of brownish. but because of the scar on my head, my light skin got dark and dried until after the surgeries for my skin to get lighter again. its not that i prefer to have light skin that much but my skin should be lighter because i was to scare to go outside. that time i still didn't know i have social anxiety disorder.
i will take a break now and will continue my life story later. i am going to mcdonald this time and will post pictures of my head scar surgeries comparisons when i get home.
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since it was still raining outside, so i didn't bother going to mcdonald today. so no coffee. at least i still have apple and craneberry apple juice to drink at home so i should be okay.
anyway here are the pictures comparisons.
anyway, it seemed like this forums doesn't let me uploading pictures even when i converted it to jpeg and one in tif. both images are around 2ish mbytes each which is under 10 mbytes per picture and it still doesn't let me attach images here.
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Brother I feel that you probably carried both trauma and a body disfigurement syndrome. Your childhood trauma made the scar much more severe in your perception causing and enhancing the scar's existence and it's physical appearance. One feeding the other.
Your childhood negative experiences ruin your low self esteem, which then enhance your negative perception of the scar which feeds back your trauma and self esteem, which make you self aware with any potential negative aspects that you may perceive in yourself. When you felt that your environment "confirmed" those negatives, they fucked you up. They fed your trauma back.
It became a story in your head that played back all the time.
I get the impression there are trauma elements of guilt, rejection, and probably abandonment too in there.
You need to try new environments so that the mind will start seeing at least some new patterns of experience, so you gradually get out of the routine that repeats the traumatic experiences. I have no idea how's life where you are living, what kind of people, events or opportunities are there to advice you what to try.
But I can relate with a lot of the experiences you mention and the patterns you mind is in.
Be aware that how negatively you feel and see yourself is not the real you.
I know it sounds the most unintuititive thing ever. But embrace your story, yourself and it's negatives because life is indeed harsh. If any feelings come, even if negative allow them and let them unfold. If you feel like crying do it. If you feel like punching a pillow fucking do it with all your fucking unapologetic might.
Most of us aren't really aware how fucking harsh it is. Don't resist and feel bad about your story and how you see yourself. Hug it. Accept the negative feelings. It is hard I know. Accept how hard it is. Accept how challenging it is to be you.
Embracing our story acts like a miracle. We are no longer shameful about it. We become the heroes facing impossible odds in this crazy harsh journey we call life.
And in the middle of this storm search for the healthy ways to give love to yourself. Through development.
I met people who were in so much shit, they attempted suicide multiple times. The anger, the loneliness, the self hate, the guilt of their past, the rejections, the drug addictions......but they managed to pull out. One of them was even sexually abused as a kid and was originally as fat as fuck. Seeing them now and then, nobody would have guessed they are the people who went through so much. And that gives hope and motivation.
I can give you some Instagram profiles as examples for inspiration as they are giving advice to other men through them and sometimes share their stories. They might inspire you.
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*anway, i upload 2 pics and it still doesn't let me upload again
edited: the pics finally uploaded*
Here are the pictures of my head scar surgeries back in 2003.
as you can see, even after 1 week of the surgery, i still look unhealthy. that is probably a good thing so i can make a comparison to when i started to look healthier. anyway, i look mean in the picture, very underweight, lips are dried dark purple, skin is dried too, and my hair stick up.
on the 2nd picture, after 1 month of the 1st surgery, i started to look healthier. my hair lay down somewhat, less skinny, lips are somewhat redder, skin is less dried and a bit redder, and i look more calm and less angry looking.
on the 3rd picture, after 1 month of the 2nd head scar surgery removal, i look a lot healthier, hair lay down pretty much completely, less skinny, lips are redder, skin is less dried and lighter too, i look even more calmer too.
on the 4th picture which is on the 2nd page, the last head scar surgery removal which is the 3rd surgery was done in november 2003. because of a misunderstanding, i think the nurse misunderstood thinking i don't mind if he remove the scar and make a straight line then stitch it. she asked if that is what i want, remove the scar in a straight line. i was so unstable and because of the social anxiety disorder i have, i said uh huh even though i don't want the surgeon to remove the scalp that has hair on it but only the scar only. 100% removal of the scar only but not the scalp that has hair.
while the surgeon was cutting the scar in my head, he said cutting it in a straight line might cut the area that has hair grow there (by that he meant the scalp that has hair grows there). because of my disorder, i didn't tell him i don't want to cut it in a straight line but the scar only, not the scalp that has hair grows there. because of that, i think he did an over surgery where he removed the scar up to 115% is what i am suspect and estimated the case. so like 15% of the scar removed were actually the scalp there. several hours after the 3rd surgery, i can feel my tongue more moist in my mouth and my body feel somewhat healthier despite an over surgery.
then 3 days later after the surgery, my nephew touched the thread where the scar was, and it was during the healing process. because of the over surgery and my nephew touched it, it damage the wounded area and as it healed up. i still get head pain of where the scar used to be. another 3 days later, after the surgeon removed the thread. i still experience pain on where the scar was because my nephew touched it and it permanently cause pain on the skin where the scar used to be. every once in a while i experience pain there. had there not been a misunderstanding, or if i was stable enough to tell the surgeon when he does the surgery to remove only the scar but not the scalp that has hair on it. even if my nephew touched it 3 days later, the pain might be temporarily and as the skin where the scar used to be healed up is what i believe. i won't experience chronic pain and head trauma. bad luck of my life there.
oh yeah, sometimes later, maybe weeks or a month or so later after it healed up, the hair where the scar used to be fell of and the area where the hair fell off looks like a scar again. again, bad luck of my life.
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here is another pic of me taken 1 week after head scar surgery removal. i looked so ugly here. skin was too dried, too skinny, lips were dried and purplish. my height is 6 ' 4" when i turned 18 years old, and my normal weight should be from 180 - 195 pounds but i think i weight like 140 to 150 pounds there. the scar which is exactly like a stroke had worned me out and made me way underweight.
i remember after i looked at my face on the video that i recorded and then grab those picture frames from the video that i recorded. i look so ugly that it worsen my self esteem than it already was that i ran out of my bedroom and to the kitchen and yelled at my mom that i don't look healthy or something like that.
over 16 years later in december 2019, i realized that had my mom told the plastic surgeon that the scar was from a severe ear pulled instead of me accidently banging my head against the mirror, he probably would have done 1 surgery only and it removed 100% of the scar instead of 55%. i was careless when my mom said that 16 years prior. if anything, maybe at most 2 surgeries to remove the scar completely 100% instead of 3 times. the 3rd time surgery was an over surgery unfortunately. bad luck life i had there. i guess i have to pay the consequences to live in this world, it was meant to happened like that.
if what i know then of what i know now. i will self acupuncture my left temple, upper left forehead, back of my left ear, and front of my left ear but don't bother acupuncturing the scalp area especially the upper back side of my head. then i will asked my mom and my family doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist to prescribes me zyprexa which is a psych med that treated paranoia which i have but it also treated social anxiety disorder. and try to forgive my mom back then for wrong and deadly decision things that she did to me and persuade her to get me the right help.
i remember in mid october 2002, i burned cassette audio tape in the stove in the kitchen. maybe my middle brother called the police and the police came and they did their job fair and nicely. by that one of the police men said i don't meet the 3 criteria to be put in a mental hospital but because i wanted to get help, i told them i wanted to go to a mental hospital and the police had no choice but to put me in a mental hospital for a 3 days hold. in there in ets, a psychiatrist asked me what disorder do my have and i said paranoia and he prescribed me zyprexa in a low 10 mg dose. then i was transferred to longer stay mental hospital and in total i was locked up in a mental hospital for 4 days before i got released. in those 4 days, i took zyprexa, i didn't see results so after 4 days later when i got release. maybe i only took zyprexa 10 mg for one time, one night only when i got home and didn't believe the psych med helps me and i was afraid of the side effect taking once a day for every for life. i was still very young that time. i was only 18 years old. so i didn't bother taking it anymore. so i stopped taking it that time.
fast forward to the 3rd time i was locked up in a mental hospital again in august 2003, a psychiatrist made me took zyprexa twice a day in 20 mg, it made me sleepy in the morning and at night. so 3 days later, i asked the psychiatrist to reduced it down to take it 1 time only and she reduced it down to 1 time in 20 mg only at night instead of twice a day. and i wasn't sleepy in the morning. i volunteered to stay in a psych hospital for 3 more days which total 6 days stay in the psych hospital. on the day my mom came to picked me up from the hospital which is 6 days later, minutes before she arrived in the morning as i was in the patio having a break with other nurses and patients, i can feel the medication zyprexa works in my head. i can feel the chemical balance or repaired my brain cells and i can make eye contact better. that probably meant it reduced and maybe at the right dose could completely rid of my paranoia disorder that i have. it probably reduced and might rid of my social anxiety disorder that i have too. that time again, i didn't know i have social anxiety disorder.
when i got home, i still took the 20 mg at night i believed. then i see an outside psychiatrist the next day or so and i told her to reduce the dosage down to 10 mg. because i was afraid of the long term effect taking once a night for every night was the reason why i asked her to prescribed me a low dose to like a very low dose. that was a wrong decision i made because knowing the zyprexa works mostly rid of my paranoia in 20 mg, then i should stay at 20 mg and take somewhat higher if necessary but i didn't know better. looking back, maybe i should try 10 mg first, and if there is improvement of reducing an rid of my paranoid, increase in 5 mg increment to see at what dose does the zyprexa will rid of my paranoia completely.
then maybe 2 weeks or a month later after the psychiatrist made an appointment for me to see her again. i asked her if i can reduce it down lower than 10 mg of zyprexa. she said 10 mg is already too low so no need to take it lower than 10 mg or something like that. she said if i wanted it take it lower than 10 mg, how about take risperdal which is 2 mg. she held the bottle that has risperdal pills in it. i said 2 mg is much lower than 10 mg. so i was willing it take it for life.
i took it for around 1 to 2 weeks later or so iirc, i starting having depressions. i took it for like 6 months and i still have like moderate depressions. like about 6 months later, i told the psychiatrist that this med gives me depression. she said if i don't want to take it, how about have an injection. i was careless and was going to accept her offer until my mom stopped me from getting an injection. that time, my mom still love me. thinking about it, even if i have an injection, the risperdal injection drug will still gives me depression and the injection med last for a month.
the psychiatrist thought i was making excuses not to take risperdal thinking i was lying when the med made me depress. that is why she told me to take an injection. if not, then she was going to close the filed. thanks to my mom that time stopped me from taking the injection that she closed the file. maybe some weeks later of not taking any psych meds, in this case risperdal, i think the depression went away.
then over a year later, i discovered that the psychiatrist from that clinic that prescribed me risperdal tricked me. the 2 mg risperdal dosage might be 5 times lower than zyprexa, but different medication has different dosage and different strength. that means 2 mg of rispderdal equal 20 mg of zyprexa or something like that. i am very, very sure of it. the risperdal she gave me wasn't a low strength but medium strength, no wonder i suffered from moderate depression instead of mild depression because of it. had she tricked me and prescribed me 1 mg instead of 2 mg risperdal, i will get mild depression instead of moderate depression which is still wrong but half as bad. 2 mg of risperdal is not its lowest dose. .25 mg is its lowest dose, then .5 mg, then 1, then 2, and highest is 4 mg. i am no psychiatrist but i think risperdal treated people with depression, not paranoia or social anxietdy disorder like how zyprexa treated it. if a person doesn't have depression but take risperdal, i think it had a reverse side effect of getting depression.
no wonder i felt depressed for like nearly 6 months or so before i stopped taking it. when i found that out, boy was i angry at this psychiatrist for prescribing me medium dose of risperdal. even now that i write this journal, i am still upset at her for tricking me and making me depressed for about 6 months. i am human and i have feelings too but now i am not as angry and i believe i have to pay the consequences and that was the fate i that i got and i tried not to be angry at her. usually when there are some calm moments, i wasn't angry at her anymore and believe its fate and consequences i have to go through.
so anyway, if i could go back in time, i try to avoid getting severe ear pull. if not, at least get a surgery from it and take zyprexa for life in at least 15 to 20 mg dose to as much as 30 mg to rid of my paranoia and social anxiety disorder. sorry for this long story, i feel like telling my life story and i feel a lot lighter now that i told about my life story in this thread.
oh yeah i would like to say that i am taking 30 mg of zyprexa now. i had been taking psych med pretty much every night for over 10 years already. at first i took other med but because of their side effects, i eventually switched back to zyprexa and i had been taking zyprexa for over 9 years already ircc. i been pretty much taking it for 4 years in 10 mg dose, then afterward seeing it help reduce my social anxiety disorder and i discovered it repair my damage brain cells on the scalp of my head, especially the side of my scalp, it also reduced my english accent. i asked my psychiatrist if she can increase and she was willing to increase it and she said increased in 5 mg increment to see what happened instead of increasing it to 20 mg right away. thinking about it, i agreed with her on that one.
probably not long by the time i took 20 mg of zyprexa, my accent is pretty much gone but sometimes the accent come back and i think the scientists control my speech so sometimes i still get an accent because of that. after taking 5 mg increment of zyprexa every 1 to 2 months, by the time i got to 35 mg, i realized that the scientists control my speech so that is why i still have an accent even nearly at the maximum dosage of zyprexa. so eventually the dosage was reduce to 30 mg and i am very happy at the dosage. so i believe to rid of my accent, i need at least like 20 mg of zyprexa to no higher than 30 mg because it helps me speak pretty much perfect english beside ridding of my social anxiety disorder and paranoia.
even to this day, the 30 mg of zyprexa still didn't rid of my social anxiety disorder and paranoia completely though and i called that conspiracy theory.
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Life can be easy, but also very complicated. You are a so nice guy, you look very good, stay strong, do martial arts in the park, meet positive people, and step by step everything will come to his right place. I know, sometimes it looks like there is no solution, or we don't see the light, it happened to me, it happened to some of my friends, life can be so unpredictable, but we are warriors, and have to fight and stay strong and find our way, our true spirit.
I'm close to you Paul, friends are like this :)
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Life can be easy, but also very complicated. You are a so nice guy, you look very good, stay strong, do martial arts in the park, meet positive people, and step by step everything will come to his right place. I know, sometimes it looks like there is no solution, or we don't see the light, it happened to me, it happened to some of my friends, life can be so unpredictable, but we are warriors, and have to fight and stay strong and find our way, our true spirit.
I'm close to you Paul, friends are like this :)
thanks for the kind words. greatly appreciated. sorry that i told my life story too long. sorry about burden you guys with my life's long story. you are another one of my cool friends, BizioEE.
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Life can be easy, but also very complicated. You are a so nice guy, you look very good, stay strong, do martial arts in the park, meet positive people, and step by step everything will come to his right place. I know, sometimes it looks like there is no solution, or we don't see the light, it happened to me, it happened to some of my friends, life can be so unpredictable, but we are warriors, and have to fight and stay strong and find our way, our true spirit.
I'm close to you Paul, friends are like this :)
thanks for the kind words. greatly appreciated. sorry that i told my life story too long. sorry about burden you guys with my life's long story. you are another one of my cool friends, BizioEE.
I still have my dark moments, still fighting and keeping hard, so I understand. PM me whenever you want, and let's build a nice group here :)
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- Built on Unreal Engine 5 and only available on current gen (Series S|X, PS5) and PC.
- Compared to Tekken 7 on PS4, superior shading, better clothes, better lighting, better background detail / integration etc. More detail everywhere you look.
- Tekken 7 was stuck on 1080p on PS4 Pro, 720p on PS4/XBO/XBOne X (never got One X patch)
Consoles:
- Tekken 8 load times are very fast. 4~5 seconds.
- All consoles use DRS. PS5/SX DRS to 4K but generally stick at or above 1440p most of the time.
- Series X generally has higher resolution but just a slight advantage.
- Series S drops to 720p or even lower at times.
- All consoles use TAA, but the coverage is closest to PC's FSR 1.0 equivalent.
- PS5 / SX look effectively identical.
- Series S uses lower resolution textures.
- All consoles hit the 60 FPS target comfortably.
* PC settings segment which I will just gloss over *
- Lots of image up-scaling options on PC
- DLSS is the best upscaling option
- No DLAA support
- Unreal's TSR gives the best possible image quality, if you have the hardware headroom
- Steamdeck needs adjustments to reach 60 FPS
- Drop rendering res to 70%, drop settings to medium/low
- TSR is the only one which provides decent image quality here
- These settings reach 60 FPS most of the time
- PC version is the only one which has per-object motion blur
- Input Latency:
- Tekken 7's best was 73 ms on PS5
- PS5 demo ran at 58 ms response, quickest Tekken game on console
- SX 57.87 (pretty much the same as PS5)
- Series S: 58.01
- All consoles are give or take the very same and very fast at response
- PC version ideally is 42ms with V-sync off
- Character models now match or exceed the pre-rendered models from previous game CGs
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Life can be easy, but also very complicated. You are a so nice guy, you look very good, stay strong, do martial arts in the park, meet positive people, and step by step everything will come to his right place. I know, sometimes it looks like there is no solution, or we don't see the light, it happened to me, it happened to some of my friends, life can be so unpredictable, but we are warriors, and have to fight and stay strong and find our way, our true spirit.
I'm close to you Paul, friends are like this :)
thanks for the kind words. greatly appreciated. sorry that i told my life story too long. sorry about burden you guys with my life's long story. you are another one of my cool friends, BizioEE.
I still have my dark moments, still fighting and keeping hard, so I understand. PM me whenever you want, and let's build a nice group here :)
yeah. hope that you are doing good now. :)
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Sorry to hear that bro. To me it seems that you aren't only carrying the physical trauma of your scar, but also a lot of psychological traumas as well and are intertwined, one affecting the other.
The feelings of these experiences have never got away.
What is your plan to improve your situation?
thanks for asking a very good question. my plans to improve my situation was had a head scar removal surgery which i did a long time ago despite the over surgery. i had that surgery long time ago to get rid of the pain which triggered and amplified my angers and made me worn out. my 2nd plan is to continue taking zyprexa at 30 mg to reduce or rid of my social anxiety disorder and paranoia which helps a little lately but not by much. if i am lucky, if the med zyprexa i am taking one day rid of my social anxiety disorder and paranoia completely, i would like to go work maybe a part time job so i can make some money instead of collection s.s.i. money from the government.
those are my plans to improve my situation. you are another one of my cool online friends too. :)
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Hey Paul I saw your pictures and you are a fine looking fellow. Did you read my other post that came after the one you quoted?
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Got Tekken 8 day one. The game is the most perfect fighting game I ever played.
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Got Tekken 8 day one. The game is the most perfect fighting game I ever played.
I will most probably download it on Monday, this is the Ultimate Tekken and Fighting Game !!!
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Drop me a message when you get it. We could play together
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Hey Paul I saw your pictures and you are a fine looking fellow. Did you read my other post that came after the one you quoted?
yes i did. thanks you guys for complimenting me saying i am fine and very good looking. it boosts my ego.
in my case, the head injury worn me out. again, like a water hose where if someone steps on the hose, the water struggles to flow through. as time goes by, the blood and oxygen flowed backward and back into my heart which gives me heartache every once in a while when i lay down back then. the strange thing is when i got up from laying down, the heartache went away. after the surgery, the blood and oxygen can flow through and i feel a lot healthier, pain on my head mostly went away except the over surgery where my nephew touched the scar where the pain came back.
i no longer become violence easily. the symptoms of what were wrong with me were: way underweight, lips were dried and purple, hair sticked up, skin were dried and dark, i felt pain on the scar on my head, because of the pain i got angry easily, my anger were amplified.
so overall, i am doing good after the surgery despite the over surgery and my nephew damaged it as it healed up.
Here some more pictures to show you guys. As you can see, on the first page of pictures of me taken in March 2002, i don't look healthy. These pictures were taken 10 months before the surgery. i looked so skinny, stressed out, stroke, and dried skin.
on the 2nd page picture, which was taken last October in 2023, for comparisons, i looked a lot healthier. very nice brown glow skin, lips are redder, hair lay down too.
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I m happy for you that you are much better now.
That health issue from your scar must have been such a pain to carry all this time.
Psychiatric medicine will get you only so far btw. There is a lot of work that has to be done on ourselves. Some of the anxieties have roots on experience or lack thereof.
Social anxiety is an expected outcome, when we were bombarded with pain, negative experiences and negative thoughts, and spent way too much time alone. It's all there is imprinted in the brain. It's the only point of reference.
Getting out of that and trying to go out is scary for real. I had a lot of that. I also had lots of social anxiety. It was so prevalent that it became normalized. So normalized that I didn't even know it was part of my everyday experience.
It took me years of trying to solve this. It was hard. I used to take anti-depressants after I got PTSD from the army. But I assure you, no medicine can turn a person from an introvert to a social man. It can't solve the problem of lack of social life. Medicine will take someone only so far. After that there is pretty justified and intense anxiety of unknowns, not knowing how and overthinking with the negative experiences driving the feeling. Which is where the work is required to be put by ourselves. Step by step to add up some new experiences and points of reference.
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thanks for the kind words. very appreciated.
thanks a lot for your service in the army. how many years did you serve in the army? what happened that cause you to have ptsd if you don't mind me asking. hope that one day you will find a way to rid of your social anxiety disorder completely so you can enjoy your life again. the sooner, the better.
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In my country it is mandatory for every male once they reach 18 years of age. Back then it was 2 years. Regardless if you are ready for it or not you have to swim in the BS.
I wasn't ready to deal with it. Wheather we like it or not, most of the time of these two years is spent in the army camp. The most unproductive disgusting low life place to be during the age where we are at our prime to discover ourselves.
We have to live with people that problematic and have douches as officers giving orders. Things may get troublesome, complicated and problematic in such a cesspool, an antisocial environment with back stabbing individuals, where nobody is happy to be there.
I was carrying my own internal baggage, and I was unprepared of what I was going to face. It made the baggage heavier and more traumatic. I couldn't protect myself in such an environment.
Just when I was exploring myself, trying to solve my past issues I was thrown to this place and it was a kick in the face. I went into a very dark place for a very long time. It amplified my trauma and my anxiety which had deep roots in my childhood.
It was a long journey to get out of it. But I am at a much better situation now.
A lot better. Sometimes I remember how I was during those dark times and I understand how many people may be lost forever, lost in their heads, unable to come out because they never had anything in life that could serve as an anchor that could give them a different perspective, some hope, something to work with, people who could give them the right support. The mind can be either the greatest enemy or the greatest friend
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sad to hear that. have you overcome your social anxiety disorder yet? how was your childhood like that were problematics?
good to hear that you are in a much better situation now.
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Compared to where I was and where I am now I probably solved it. But without being able to compare with how someone who never had it feels, I can never know for sure.
There is no need to get into the details of my childhood. But the general gist of it, was an unsafe stressful environment inside and outside of home mentally and physically with no protection and full presence from parents, no one to guide me in life properly, no proper encouragement and motivation.
When we are young, we are trying to understand the world and ourselves and don't know what's right or wrong nor how to navigate situations. Uncomfortable situations can have their toll without support and guidance. Hence bad experiences form the wrong perceptions of the world and ourselves. Especially if no one can understand what we are experiencing and willing to help properly. So the weight falls totally on us to find ways to get out of it.
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good to know you finally solved it and found ways to get out of it. hope things are better for you after you finally found ways to get out of it.
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Anyone up for a session?
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