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Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore die in an airplane crash.They\'re up in heaven, and God\'s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first."Al, what do you believe in?"Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we\'ll all die."God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people\'s pain."God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."God then address Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe?"Bill Gates says, "I believe you\'re in my chair."
Bill Gates meets GodBill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God..."Well, Bill, I\'m really confused on this call. I\'m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world. and yet created that ghastly Windows 95. I\'m going to do something I\'ve never done before. In your case, I\'m going to let you decide where you want to go!" God said, "I\'m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make a decision.""Fine, so where should I go first?"God said, "I\'m going to leave that up to you".Bill said, "Okay, then, let\'s try Hell first."So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water. laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect." Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"."Fine", said God. And off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Mm, I think I prefer Hell." he told God. "Fine," retorted God, " as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons."How\'s everything going, Bill?" God asked.Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can\'t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?:"God says, "Oh, that was the screen saver"
Bill Gates meets Hugh GrantBill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I\'ve seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"Hugh replies: "well Bill, you know ... Ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she\'s charging a small fortune."Bill (with a chuckle), "Hugh, money\'s no object to me. What\'s her number?" So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God ...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "thank you Bill ... And now I know how you chose the name ... Microsoft."
Bill Gates and the ContractorWhile the Gates\'s are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year.Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."Bill: "We won\'t be able to fit all our furniture in there."Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."Bill: "Stacker?"Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you\'re done."Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won\'t fit. The threads run the wrong way."Contractor: "Oh! That\'s easy. Those bulbs aren\'t plug and play. You\'ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."Bill: "You\'re kidding!?"Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."Bill: "sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won\'t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don\'t work."Contractor: "That\'s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."Bill: "And how do I fix that?"Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."Bill: "That\'s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"Contractor: "Hey, if you don\'t like it nobody made you buy it."Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"Contractor: "Oh, in your next house - which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we\'ve had some delays..."
Top 15 Surprises in Bill Gates\' New Mansion15 Sign over king-sized bed declares, "Use of the Words \'micro\' and \'soft\' strictly prohibited while in bedroom."14 No paintings, but live artists actually hanging on the wall.13 Drawbridge is raised and lowered by hand.12 Entire state of Rhode Island relocated to east wing.11 Raises guinea pigs in his bedroom for extra cash.10 No toilet paper, but handy stack of $100 bills.9 Secret passage in library leads to Nerdcave where Bill keeps the Nerdmobile.8 Zima on tap.7 Kato Kaelin sleeping in a corner of the trampoline room.6 Tasteful and elegant 30,000 sq.ft. Hall of People Whose Businesses I Have Personally and Single-Handedly Crushed.5 Basement shrine to Kelly Bundy.4 Hidden away in the attic: his beloved childhood calculator, Rosebud.3 Everywhere you look -- Women!2 With 27 bathrooms, there\'s never a need to ask, "Where do you want to go today?"and the Number 1 Surprise in Bill Gates\'s New Mansion...1 Replica of the Eiffel Tower in the garden -- wait a minute... that\'s no replica!!
Bill Gates vs. GMBill Gates, wanting to impress with success, decided to measure MS accomplishments against General Motors..."If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 100000 mph"General Motors responded:"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"
The Top 14 Things on Bill Gates\'s To-Do ListLast Friday, the judge in the antitrust trial of Microsoft ruled that the software company has monopoly power in PC operating systems and that it has used that power to crush potential threats from competitors.As a result, "Uncle Bill" is making some changes: 14 Change menacing cackle to more of a charming titter. 13 Divest all holdings in Atlantic City, especially Boardwalk and Park Place. 12 Stop payment on Satan\'s check. 11 Search JobOptions.com: Field = "Technology" Salary > $25 Billion 10 Immediately cancel that "$5000 or a free trip to Disneyworld" offer. 9 Put somebody else in charge temporarily; take the winter off and find Rosebud. 8 Push own "Start" button. At prompt, choose "Shut Down" and then "Re-start Ego." 7 Create new corporate division in charge of sending flowers and candy to Sandy O\'Connor. 6 Have Steve Jobs leave bag of flaming dog excrement on Janet Reno\'s doorstep. 5 Send message to mother ship: "My job here is done." 4 Dedicate my life to finding the *real* monopolists. 3 Hack into Justice Dept. web site, draw mustache on picture of Janet... um, draw *bigger* mustache on picture of Janet Reno. 2 See how quickly the government can prepare for the "11/9/99 Bug." 1 Halt global economy by taking all my money and going home.
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..." Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch? Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?A: Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don\'t actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix. Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days. If you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don\'t forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb box. Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?A: We\'ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?A: One. But they\'ll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user. Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard. Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb?A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write..... Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb?A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Jerry Sanders, Andy Grove, and Bill Gates (CEOs of AMD, Intel, and Microsoft, in case you didn\'t recognize one (or more?) of the names) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that\'s my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Jerry lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him. Jerry explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere." The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn\'t that neat?" The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Bill emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I\'m receiving a fax."
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter\'s Square this morning, Microsoft Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion. With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company\'s new Religious Software Division, while Microsoft executive vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates. "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people." Through the Microsoft Network, the company\'s new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home." A new software application, Microsoft Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer. An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter\'s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide. Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff\'s smile seemed strained. The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican\'s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say Microsoft will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors\' access to these key intellectual properties. "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene." But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church\'s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church\'s mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing Microsoft\'s vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home". Gates described Microsoft\'s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates. The Microsoft move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion. "Why don\'t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again and maybe it\'ll work!?"
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You\'re in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft\'s support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
Bill Gates died and contrary to the popular wisdom, went to heaven. At the gate, St Peter sent him to Abraham for job assignment. Abraham said to Bill - "Your job will be to supervise Heaven\'s new data processing center. We\'re building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works." Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!" "We\'re just finishing construction, and we\'ll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?" "You bet!" Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven\'s new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... SUNs .... .... all running Solaris! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code! The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???" "You\'re forgetting something," said Abraham. "What\'s that?" asked Bill plaintively. "This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that\'s heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then .... .... GO TO HELL!"
Proof that Bill Gates is the Devil himself!Warning! Bill Gates (the president of the Microsoft) may be the next antichrist:Revelation 13:18 says:"Here is wisdom. Let him who has understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man: His number is 666."The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd). By converting the letters of his name to the ASCII-values (which are used in computers) you will get the following:B I L L G A T E S 366 + 73 + 76 + 76 + 71 + 65 + 84 + 69 + 83 + 3 = 666- Adolf Hitler- Joseph Stalin- The Pope(You can count number 666 from each of the names above.)Is the fourth beast Microsoft corporation which represents the power of money? Revelation 13:16 and 13:18 says:"He causes all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hand or on their foreheads," "and that no one may buy or sell except one who has the mark or the name of the beast, or the number of his name."Windows compatible?"It looks like well-known OS\'s fall into the same category: M S - D O S 6 . 2 1 77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666 W I N D O W S 9 5 87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666Coincidence? I think not!HMMMMMMMM i\'ll give ya one more.QuoteAll this talk lately about what to call Clinton\'s latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he\'s been accused of participating in. Perhaps it\'s time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates". No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind. hm. I think we all learnt something here today.
All this talk lately about what to call Clinton\'s latest escapade. Tail-gate, forni-gate, Monica-gate, ... not to mention all the other scandals he\'s been accused of participating in. Perhaps it\'s time to just lump them all together as a set -- the "Bill-gates". No, wait, that could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people where as the head of Microsoft is being accused of.. um... Oh never mind.
