Things you can get away with saying this Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!,
                          2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.,
                          3. It\'s Cool Whip time!,
                          4. If I don\'t undo my pants, I\'ll burst!,
                          5. Whew, that\'s one terrific spread!,
                          6. I\'m in the mood for a little dark meat.,
                          7. Are you ready for seconds yet?,
                          8. It\'s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?,
                          9. Just wait your turn, you\'ll get some!,
                          10. Don\'t play with your meat.,
                          11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.,
                          12. Do you think you\'ll be able to handle all these people at once?,
                          13. I didn\'t expect everyone to come at once!,
                          14. You still have a little bit on your chin.,
                          15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
                          16. You\'ll know it\'s ready when it pops up.,
                          17. Wow, I didn\'t think I could handle all of that!,
                          18. That\'s the biggest one I\'ve ever seen!,
                          19. How long do I beat it before it\'s ready

                          Happy Turkey Week!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He\'d toss them in the air, then catch them in
                          his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell
                          in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
                          assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

                          As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the
                          problem, their daughter\'s date said he could get the peanut out. Quest told the father to sit down, then shoved
                          two fingers up the father\'s nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother
                          and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The boyfriend insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young
                          man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

                          The mother said, "That\'s wonderful. Isn\'t he smart? What do you think he\'s going to be when he grows older?!"

                          The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence a
nd you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He
 replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies
"The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says "I
have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cre
am: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The se
cond is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the
top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal,
 replied, "Well I suppose the one that\'s gobbled down the top and sucked the con
e" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the weddi
ng ring on,... but I like your thinking."
-------------------------------
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked \'How much is 2x3?\' I said \'6\'" "But
 that\'s right!" "Then she asked me \'How much is 3x2?\'" "What\'s the f**king diffe
rence?" asks the father. "That\'s what I said!
---------------------------------
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son,
you know eating all that candy isn\'t good for you. It will give you acne, rot yo
ur teeth, make you fat."Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 y
ears old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Lit
tle Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f**king business!"

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

                          Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can\'t feel my legs!

                          Doctor: Yes, we\'ve had to amputate both your arms.

                          -------------------

                          There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter
                          what he did the bull didn\'t want any.

                          Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The
                          friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull\'s nose. After doing so the bull
                          went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

                          With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and
                          starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

                          He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, "You woke me up to
                          show me that you have a bloody nose."

                          -----------------------

                          Charlie\'s an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, "There\'s a problem with Mrs. Whittaker."

                          The boss says, "What\'s that?"

                          Charlie says, "I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

                          The boss says, "That\'s impossible. Show me."

                          They go to the table where she\'s lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, "See? There\'s a jumbo
                          shrimp sticking out of her pussy."

                          The boss takes a closer look and says, "You jerk, that\'s not a piece of shrimp. That\'s her clit."

                          Charlie says, "Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp."

                          -------------------

                          A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

                          The boy says, "It\'s dark! I don\'t like it! I\'m scared!"

                          The pedophile says, "You\'re scared! I\'ve got to walk back out of here on my own!"

                          -----------------

                          A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?"

                          His father says, "No...how old?"

                          He says, "I\'m eleven!"

                          He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?"

                          She says, "Come closer..."

                          She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

                          She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You\'re eleven."

                          He says, "How could you tell?"

                          She says, "I heard you tell your father."

                          ----------------

                          A guy says to his wife, "I\'m in the mood for some 69."

                          She says, "It\'s that time of the month, but if you don\'t care, I don\'t care."

                          They go into the bedroom, and are 69\'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

                          She says, "Answer the door."
                          He says, "But my face is a mess."
                          She says, "It\'s just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam
                          sandwich."

                          He opens the door and says, "I\'m sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich."

                          The mailman says, "I wasn\'t looking at the jam on your mouth...I was looking at the peanut butter on your
                          forehead."

                          ---------------

                          A girl goes up to her father one night and says, "Dad, can I have the car tonight?"

                          Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, "Sure, if you give me a blowjob."

                          So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.

                          "Your penis tastes like ****!" she cries.

                          "Oh yeah," her father replied, "I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight."

                          --------------

                          This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the
                          apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.

                          She screams, "You ****ing asshole!" and she heads into the bedroom.

                          Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?"

                          Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what\'s up. She responds with a
                          hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you\'re a pedophile!"

                          The man responds, "Wow, you\'re pretty smart for a 12 year old."

                          ---------------

                          Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something\'s stuck up my
                          ass. Could you check it out for me?"

                          His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce\'s ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don\'t
                          feel anything."

                          Bruce says, "Trust me, there\'s something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

                          So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce\'s ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex
                          watch.

                          He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

                          Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

                          -------------

                          Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob\'s
                          standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

                          Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK,
                          sure, I\'ll help you."

                          The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
                          Bob says, "OK."
                          Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
                          Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

                          Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and
                          reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it,
                          puts it back in and zips it up.

                          The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

                          Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell\'s wrong with your penis?"

                          The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don\'t know, but I ain\'t touching it.

                          -------------------

                          A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he\'s got a big smile on his
                          face.

                          She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

                          "Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

                          The mother is stunned. "You\'re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

                          Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to
                          his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

                          "That\'s right, Dad."

                          "Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let\'s head out for some ice cream, and then I\'ll
                          buy that new bike you\'ve been asking for."

                          "That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."
                          --------------

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks
                          him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

                          A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a
                          toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

                          There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don\'t tell me, you want a toothpick too."

                          "No, a straw," says the Tramp.

                          The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw
                          and not a toothpick.

                          To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff\'s gone already".

                          ---------------

                          A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.

                          This man comes over and says, "What\'s wrong little girl?"

                          The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with
                          the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below.

                          The man turns round and undoing his flies says, "I guess it just ain\'t your lucky day"!!!

                          ---------------
 

                          -----------------

                          Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and
                          each other.

                          After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

                          The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even
                          bigger.

                          The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn\'t leave an
                          outline."

                          She says, "Smell the rim."



 A pretty young 12 year old girl has her Grandma\'s birthday coming up and being conscientious young lady she
                          tries to thinks of something special she can get.

                          After begging her mother she is allowed to go into town on her own to get the present. Come Saturday afternoon,
                          she dresses up in her little red skirt and her mother kisses her goodbye and warns her to be careful.

                          On the way into town a flashy red Porsche screeches up next to her and the guy asks her if she wants a lift. As
                          she daintily replies "No thank you," she notices a sticker for the local radio station in the rear window and gets a
                          brilliant idea.

                          "Do you work at the radio station?" she asks.

                          "I own it. I\'m the DJ and I\'m the boss!!" he falsely replies.

                          "Wow," she innocently squeaks, "would you let me say Happy Birthday to my Grandma on the radio??"

                          He laughs her off in a cool way and tells her that its a serious radio station for cool music and grown ups and that
                          would be out of the question.

                          Still excited at her idea and sure that she can get her own way, she jumps up and down shrieking, "Oh please,
                          please, I\'ll do anything!"

                          "Anything you say eh? Well OK then, maybe just this once we can fit you in," he smiles ryely, and invites her to
                          get in.

                          About a mile down the road he pulls into a secluded layby and runs around to her side of the car. He pops out his
                          swollen tool which he has been caressing for the past five minutes and with the viens bulging out of his neck and
                          his eyes focussed on the clouds shouts, "Come on then, come on!!"

                          She turn bright red and says, embarrassed, "I can\'t, I can\'t."

                          Getting more and more angry he persuades her, "Come on, come on, come on!!!"

                          After several hesitations she suddenly grabs his penis puts the blood filled red end close to her lips and quickly
                          shouts..........

                          "Hello Grandma, Happy Birthday!!"

                          ---------------------

                          Harry answers the telephone, and it\'s an Emergency Room doctor.

                          The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news
                          is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the
                          rest of her life."

                          Harry says, "My God. What\'s the good news?"

                          The doctor says, "I\'m kidding. She\'s dead."
                          -------------------
                          A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an
                          argument.

                          So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with
                          all the trauma it had caused.

                          So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he\'d buy her a gift.

                          "Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse.

                          "Oh, I don\'t know", she replied, "You really shouldn\'t do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really
                          expensive, that I don\'t need."

                          The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.


                          -----------------

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, "What\'s that?"

                          The mom answers, "A vagina."

                          And the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

                          And the mom answers, "As soon as you grow up."

                          Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, "What\'s that?"

                          And the dad answers, "A penis."

                          So the little girl asks, "Well, when am I gonna get one?"

                          And the the dad answers, "As soon as your mom goes to work."

                          ---------------

                          A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his
                          favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be
                          spent fishing.

                          "Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

                          "But aren\'t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

                          "Yes, but she\'s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"

                          A few hours later, "I understand, but that\'s not the only way to have sex."

                          "I know, but she\'s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

                          The following day: "Sure, but that\'s still not the only way to have sex."

                          "Yeah, but she\'s got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."

                          Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I\'m not sure why you\'d marry someone
                          with health problems like that."

                          "It\'s \'cause she\'s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

                          -------------------

                          A man is getting ready to **** his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his **** in, but he can\'t get it in.
                          He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, "Damn, this
                          hurts. It\'s so tight I can barely take it."

                          She says, "OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier."

                          He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on
                          top of her. He slides in again, and this time it\'s much easier.

                          "Ahhh. That\'s more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?"

                          "Nope," she replies, "I just peeled off the ****ing scabs..."

                          ------------------

Originally posted by luckee
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

                          Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can\'t feel my legs!

                          Doctor: Yes, we\'ve had to amputate both your arms.                          --------------

this gets my vote for greatest joke ever!

Luckee, please post ALL your jokes in one thread. It\'s helluva annoying having to merge 5 threads with like one joke in each. Thank you.

sure thing boss....

3 Bullets.
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.A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked
                          robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily
                          the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because
                          it\'s too risky to operate.
                          All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in
                          tears.
                          "What\'s wrong" asks the mother.
                          "I was having a pee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter.
                          The mother tells her it\'s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
                          About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.
                          "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells
                          her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
                          A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It\'s okay," says the
                          mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."
                          "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

Originally posted by Samwise
Luckee, please post ALL your jokes in one thread. It\'s helluva annoying having to merge 5 threads with like one joke in each. Thank you.

Thanks Sammy i was going to get round and do it but i just had a 6 hour LAB and this is me just waiting for the bus to go home...

i am posting from the internet cafe within the campus

*edit*
oh just got home and find another one of lukee\'s to add to the pile

entitled yet more sick jokes they have been merged with this one too.

ha ha ha ha thats soooooo funny.... i like this thread!!!! keep it up