Hello

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Author Topic: Essay #1 Help needed english speakers  (Read 630 times)

Offline Seed_Of_Evil
  • White God
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 6881
  • Karma: +10/-0
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« on: October 13, 2002, 09:17:15 AM »
Well, the new academic year has begun, and the essays go on. This is the first one for this year, so I hope you can help me as you did months ago. I don\'t need a complete re-writing of the text, but correction of mistakes, expressions, new words, suggerences... etc. Thanx a lot.

Topic: Imagine that you have applied to Home and Awaystay Holidays and been given the address of the Sattersfield family. Write a letter to them describing your family and home, and inviting them to do the same.



Dear Sattersfield family:

My name is Miguel Adán and I am from Southern Spain. Three weeks ago I asked for information about an exchange in Home and Awaystay Holidays and they requested me to apply a form. I guess you have been already informed about my application for the home swapping.

I do not know you, although a little information was given to me during my visit in the office. I am very interested in knowing how you all are and how the home looks like. That was the main objective of this letter: let you know more about my family, my house and my little but nice village.

First of all, I must say that the town I live in is tiny. The village is called Baños de la Encina and it is situated in the province of Jaén, 275 kilometres far way away from the capital, Madrid. The environment is wonderful (rainforest and olive plantations) and the weather uses to be hot and dry, very similar to Texas indeed. Nearby you can find Bailén City, very popular town in Southern Spain.

My family is formed by my parents, Miguel, aged 51 and whose job is farmer, and Antonia, aged 49, who is unemployed. I have also two brothers: Antonio, who is 18 years old and studies in University, and Javier, my little brother aged 12. I will try to send some photographs inside the envelope in order to allow you to watch us.

My home is in downtown, close to the main church and the old Arabic castle. It is a two-storey semi-detached house, made of built to last brick and owner of a nice front terrace with brown timber fence, some fruit trees, and lots of shrubs. The grass transforms the terrace in a fresh neat place. On the other hand, the indoor areas (second floor) are: one wide dinning room, equipped with television, videogames system and multiple sound devices; one extra big kitchen with washing-up machine and a back-room; two spacious bathrooms with built-in wardrobes, and finally, four bedrooms (my brothers will share one of them so that you can stay alone).

In the first floor there is a covered garage with a wrought iron gate, which preserves the tractor and car. You can also find in the terrace a small shed with tiled roof and a funny dog hut.

I think you can now figure out how the house looks like. As I told you before, I will do my best for sending pictures both of village and home. I would like to receive this kind of information related with your town and home, so if you can send photographs, please do it.

That is all for the moment. I hope to get your reply as soon as possible.
Sincerely, Miguel Adán.
Todas estas cosas se perderán en el tiempo como lágrimas en la lluvia.

Offline Living-In-Clip

  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 15131
  • Karma: +10/-0
    • http://
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #1 on: October 13, 2002, 10:16:04 AM »
Quote
watch us.

Where you say "in order to watch us" , talking about the pictures it should say.

"In order to see us"

You also keep saying "aged", when you say say my father is age 51, not "aged".

Offline SonyFan
  • EGA Warrior - Mod
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2775
  • Karma: +10/-0
    • http://
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2002, 10:18:59 AM »
I was in the top 98% of all students in Indiana on the English portion of the ISTEP standardized testing.. but I\'ve probably lost alot of my form since then. You should probably know that most english speakers don\'t even really know ~proper~ english like you\'re needing. Anyhow.. I\'ll give it my best shot.

Dear Sattersfield family,

My name is Miguel Adán, and I am from southern Spain. Three weeks ago I asked for information regarding an exchange in "Home and Awaystay Holidays", and they requested me to apply a form. I would assume you have already been informed of my application for home swapping.

I do not know much about you, although a little information was given to me during my visit to the * office. ( * Insert proper name of the Organization ) I am very interested in knowing how you are doing, and what your home looks like. This was the main objective behind this letter; to let you know more about my family, my house, and my small but nice village. (Nice is fine, but you should replace it with a more discriptive word since "Nice" is too general of an interpretation. Quaint, Bustling, Friendly.. ect.. would be fine.)

First, I must say that the town in which I live is tiny. The village is called Baños de la Encina, and is situated in the province of Jaén. It is 275 kilometres away from the capital, Madrid. The environment is wonderful (rainforest and olive plantations), and the weather is often very hot and dry. It is very similar to Texas indeed. Nearby you can find Bailén City, a very popular town in southern Spain.

My family is formed by my parents and two brothers. My father Miguel is 51 years old, and works as a farmer. My mother\'s name is Antonia. She is 49, and is currently unemployed. Antonio is my oldest brother. He is 18 years old and studies at the University. Javier, my little brother, is only 12 years old. I will try to send some photographs inside the envelope so you be able to see what we all look like. (I could fix this as-is, but the structure is somewhat off and would make it difficult to work. A bit of restructuring helps a lot)

My home is downtown, close to our largest church and the old Arabic castle. It is a two-story, semi-detached house made of built to last brick. It has a very nice front terrace with a brown timber fence, some fruit trees, and lots of shrubs. The grass is healthy and transforms the terrace into a fresh, appealing area. The second floor has many rooms. There is a wide dinning room equipped with a television, videogame systems, and multiple sound devices. The kitchen is extra large with a washing machine and back room. There are also two spacious bathrooms with built in wardrobes and four bedrooms. My brothers will share one of them so that you can enjoy some privacy should you decide to visit.

On the first floor there is a covered garage with a wrought iron gate which houses the tractor and car. You can also find a small shed with tiled roof and a funny dog hut in the terrace.

I think you can now figure out how the house looks. As I said before, I will do my best to send pictures of both my village and home. I would like to receive similar information related with your town and home. If you can send photographs, please do so.

That is all for the moment. I hope to get your reply as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Miguel Adán.
« Last Edit: October 13, 2002, 10:30:29 AM by SonyFan »
Please Bleed.. so I know that you are real.
Please Bleed.. so I know that you can feel the damage that you\'ve done.
What have I become? To myself I am numb. ~ Ben Harper
Plane Crash <-- moe. (Listen to while staring at Heat\'s Avvy.)
PSO Ep I & II~ Tesla: LvL 101 HUmar |Sinue: LvL 32 RAcaseal |Mana: LvL 52 FOnewearl |Malice: LvL 42 RAmarl

Offline videoholic

  • Silly little freak
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 18034
  • Karma: +10/-0
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2002, 10:27:06 AM »
2nd Paragraph:
"I am very interested in knowing how you all are and how the home looks like."

Should be "what the home looks like."


3rd Paragraph:
"The environment is wonderful (rainforest and olive plantations) and the weather uses to be hot and dry, very similar to Texas indeed."

The weather IS hot and dry..

Why are you comparing the weather to Texas?  Is this place suppose to be in Texas?  Otherwise how would they know what Texas weather is like.


4th paragraph makes no sense.  Too many corrections for me to do right now since the football game is on.

5th Paragraph:
"It is a two-storey semi-detached house, made of built to last brick and owner of a nice front terrace with brown timber fence, some fruit trees, and lots of shrubs. "

Story is spelled wrong.  Made of BRICK and BUILT to LAST.  Our home has a nice front terrace with .........



6th Paragraph:
"In the first floor there is a covered garage with a wrought iron gate, which preserves the tractor and car. You can also find in the terrace a small shed with tiled roof and a funny dog hut. "

"On the first floor..."
"You can also find, on the terrace, a small shed........."

That\'s all I\'m going to say...  You got to get some wrong now don\'t you?
I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I\'m upside down.
 kopking: \"i really think that i how that guy os on he weekend\"
TheOmen speaking of women: \"they\'re good at what they do, for what they are.\"
Swifdi:

Offline EmperorRob
  • Mr Sexual Harassment
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 3932
  • Karma: +10/-0
Re: Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2002, 10:41:48 AM »
Quote
Originally posted by Adan
Dear Sattersfield family:

My name is Miguel Adán and I am from Southern Spain. Three weeks ago I asked for information about an exchange in Home and Awaystay Holidays and they requested me to apply a form.
This last sentence seems like it needs to be this:

Three weeks ago I asked for information about an exchange in Home and Awaystay Holidays and they asked me to submit an application.
This is America and I can still pay for sex with pennies

Offline Samwise
  • Moderator
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 12129
  • Karma: +10/-0
    • http://151.200.3.8/~vze29k6v/you.html
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2002, 11:55:16 AM »
Hot damn SonyFan, I think you have an English teacher hidden deep inside. :)
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAPETIME!
(thanks Chizzy!)

Offline SonyFan
  • EGA Warrior - Mod
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2775
  • Karma: +10/-0
    • http://
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #6 on: October 13, 2002, 12:18:26 PM »
Yeah, notice how I pointed out his mistakes in big red letters in front of the whole class to further embarass him. :D
Please Bleed.. so I know that you are real.
Please Bleed.. so I know that you can feel the damage that you\'ve done.
What have I become? To myself I am numb. ~ Ben Harper
Plane Crash <-- moe. (Listen to while staring at Heat\'s Avvy.)
PSO Ep I & II~ Tesla: LvL 101 HUmar |Sinue: LvL 32 RAcaseal |Mana: LvL 52 FOnewearl |Malice: LvL 42 RAmarl

Offline SER
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4437
  • Karma: +10/-0
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #7 on: October 13, 2002, 09:11:18 PM »
Holy shit SonyFan, can you do that for me as well? I have an essay due in about 30 hours.. I will attach it, any help would be appreciated.

Offline SER
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4437
  • Karma: +10/-0
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2002, 09:14:28 PM »
Here.. ;)

In a place far away, there once lived a poor farmer and his wife.  Both being born into farming families, everything that they owned had been inherited.  They found a living by harvesting crops they had grown on their land.  Every week, they would take their crops to town and sell them.  The money the made was always just barely enough to keep them surviving.

One day, the farmer discovered that a portion of his fence had been broken.  He needed to fix it as soon as possible because wandering animals might destroy his crops.  He hurried off to town to purchase the necessary materials needed to repair the fence.  On his way to town, he noticed an old man struggling to carry a slab of wood.  "Old man!  Do you need any help?" the farmer shouted.  "Any help would be greatly appreciated!  My old body has become frail and it can no longer withstand this heavy labor," the old man replied.  After a few hours, the repairs to the old man\'s home were complete.  "I do not have any money to repay you for your kindness.  All I can give you is this lucky coin that my grandfather had given me.  It is said that this coin will grant you any wish, as long as your heart desires it.  But be careful, farmer, if your heart becomes dark, it will be the end of you."  With that, the farmer took the coin and completed the rest of the day\'s tasks.  That night and every night from the on, he made the same wish, "I wish for riches, so I will no longer have to struggle.  Please let me find them on my land, so I will know it was meant for me."

One bright day, the farmer started his daily routine by picking tomatoes.  As he was going along the trail of plants, he noticed a bright light flashing in the distance ahead.  The farmer was curious so he walked towards the light.  As he grew closer, the light dimmed at the same time.  Finally, the light stopped and in front of him was a bag of gold coins!  Overjoyed, the farmer picked it up and started to run home.  He then came to realize that these riches he found were not on his land.  Fearing that this bag was not meant for him, he dropped it and continued on back to his farm.

The farmer went home that night and recounted the story to his wife.  She was baffled by his ignorance but accepted his decision.  When the farmer went to bed, she secretly went to a neighbor\'s home.  "My husband found a bag of gold in the fields and did not take it home!  Go there, fetch it, and let us split the treasure."  The neighbor agreed and hurried into the fields.  He found the bag of gold and in his mind he thought, "Well, it looks like this treasure is worth well over one hundred times more than my home and land.  I will not return to split this, instead I will relocate and live a rich life forever."  The neighbor grasped the bag and ran into the darkness.

The next morning, the farmer was making the rounds around his farm when he noticed an eerie darkness in the distance.  "Yesterday was a brightness, today a darkness, what in the hee haw could this be?" the farmer thought aloud.  As he walked towards the darkness, he could hear his wife yelling for him in the distance.  He turned around and headed home, where his wife and the old man he had helped were waiting for him.  "Folks, I have some good and bad news for you.  First, your neighbor was found dead near my home yesterday night.  Secondly, since the townspeople think high of you, we have all decided to let you have his land."  Saddened and shocked at the same time, the farmer and his wife accepted the situation.

Years passed and they were producing more crops than ever.  They were making more than they could ever dream of and now owned numerous farms across the land.  One day, the farmer thought, "Someday, I would like to rule my own kingdom."  "Well, why don\'t you wish on that lucky coin of yours," his wife replied.  The farmer took the coin that had brought him success many years ago and wished upon it once again.  "Please let me rule my own kingdom.  Controlling the food suply is not enough, I want more power."  He again wished for this every night.

The farmer awoke one morning to the sound of screaming outside his front door.  He opened it to find amass of people protesting his recent increase of prices.  As he began to speak, an arrow magically flew through the air and hit him right between the eyes.  No one knows who or what shot the arrow, but it is said that it was the work of the "lucky coin."  The farmer died that day, just as the old man had warned, "If your heart becomes dark, it will be the end of you."

Offline Seed_Of_Evil
  • White God
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 6881
  • Karma: +10/-0
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2002, 08:32:46 AM »
bastard serrano :D your english is perfect!!!

Thanx a lot guys for helping me, specially SonyFan. You don\'t only fix the essay, you also fix my english, and i thank you for that.

;)
Todas estas cosas se perderán en el tiempo como lágrimas en la lluvia.

Offline Samwise
  • Moderator
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 12129
  • Karma: +10/-0
    • http://151.200.3.8/~vze29k6v/you.html
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #10 on: October 14, 2002, 08:51:25 AM »
And in return I\'ll fix SonyFan... "Come \'ere boy!"
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAPETIME!
(thanks Chizzy!)

Offline SonyFan
  • EGA Warrior - Mod
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 2775
  • Karma: +10/-0
    • http://
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #11 on: October 14, 2002, 02:02:31 PM »
*Screams like a lil girl and runs from Sammy*

Sorry Serrano.. I\'d help you out too man, but I\'m dead tired after work. Probly woulnd\'t have even bothered with Adan\'s if it hadn\'t been the weekend. Next time aight?
Please Bleed.. so I know that you are real.
Please Bleed.. so I know that you can feel the damage that you\'ve done.
What have I become? To myself I am numb. ~ Ben Harper
Plane Crash <-- moe. (Listen to while staring at Heat\'s Avvy.)
PSO Ep I & II~ Tesla: LvL 101 HUmar |Sinue: LvL 32 RAcaseal |Mana: LvL 52 FOnewearl |Malice: LvL 42 RAmarl

Offline SER
  • Legendary Member
  • ******
  • Posts: 4437
  • Karma: +10/-0
Essay #1 Help needed english speakers
« Reply #12 on: October 14, 2002, 02:46:00 PM »
lol Adan, my English is good, I\'m just in need of help for sentence structure and maybe the overall clearness of the essay. We had a peer review in class in which other students read each other\'s work, and I got unclear/awkward over and over again. :(

Well, I have about 20 more hours till it\'s due Sonyfan. So if you change your mind..... :D

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk