My plethora of jokes for the day...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over
here and help me...I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can\'t figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it\'s finished? The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it\'s a tiger."  Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we\'re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger." He held her hand and said, "Second, I\'d advise you to relax. Let\'s have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let\'s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
-------------------------

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur\'s court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen\'s voluptuous breasts but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King\'s chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio the physician made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queen\'s brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master\'s mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen\'s magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur\'s loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!
------------------------

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist pulled several of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued an athletic supporter. The Army is still looking for him.
----------------------

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking.

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I
know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you
about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I\'ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit.
And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs,
and what\'s there but a beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed
chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . .marvelous
dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you,
Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So
then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way
with me two times!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn\'t
go out with him?"

Edna: "No . . . I\'m just saying, wear an old dress.
----------------------

A man walks into a pharmacy and says to the druggist, "Say, my wife asked me to get her some tampons. Can you direct me to them?" The pharmacist replied, "Right down aisle six."
A few minutes later, the man returns with a bag of cotton balls and a ball of string. The pharmacist asked, "Didn\'t you come in here for a box of tampons for your wife?"

The man explained, "Yes I did, but let me explain. A few days ago, I asked my wife to come here to get me a pack of cigarettes. About two hours later, she came back home with a can of loose leaf tobacco and some cigarette papers and said, "roll your own."
----------------------
It\'s the night of the ball and fairy godmother comes across Cinderella sitting on a rock crying.
FG: "What\'s wrong my dear?"
C: "I\'m on my period and don\'t have any tampons, so I can\'t go"
Fairy godmother pulls something out of her pocket and gives it to Cinderella.
FG: "This is a magic tampon. The only trick is, it will turn into a pumpkin at midnight."
Cinderella gives her a big hug, and goes off to the ball. Fairy godmother sits on the rock and awaits her return.

Midnight rolls around, and there\'s no sign of Cinderella.
One o\'clock... Two o\'clock... Fairy godmother is starting to get worried. Finally about three a.m. she comes stumbling up a hill, dress torn, messy hair, makeup smeared... Fairy godmother runs up asking what in lords name happened

C: "oh... I went to the ball and got some drinks, and met some guy named Peter-Peter-...somethin or other..."
----------------------

An Irishman\'s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up
to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more
time, same result. He figures he\'ll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he
decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at
the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls
through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he
tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls
right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the
pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over
him shouting loudly.

"So, you\'ve been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent
look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
--------------------

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. "What\'s this?!?!?" he screams! "There\'s a pussy hair in my soup! I\'m not payin\' for it!" and he storms out... The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells. He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain\'t payin\' for it EITHER!!!!!"
---------------------
Q: What\'s the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A: You know she\'ll swallow!
---------------------

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it\'s either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can\'t tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don\'t **** her."
---------------------

How did the Red Neck woman know that her daughter was having her period?

She could taste the blood on her son\'s penis.
----------------------

Why are there so many homes for battered women?

Because they just don\'t ****ing listen!!
---------------------

A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, I don\'t normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Can we get together some time?"

The nun leaves the bus in a huff.

Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says: "No, don\'t apologize, I was checking her out myself. In fact, let me do you a favour. Did you see where she got off? There\'s a little park there, and every day she goes there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe....."

The guy thanks him and leaves.

Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there\'s the little nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns. The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him. He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she\'d love to help him, but that she was on her period, and would the back door be OK?

He says fine, and they commence their activities.

A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you something. I\'m not really Jesus, I\'m actually the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday.

The nun says, "Oh, that\'s OK. In fact, I\'m not really a nun. I\'m actually the bus driver."
---------------------

A black guy and a gorilla go into a bar together. He says to the bartender, "I\'d like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender says, "Oh come on, pal, we don\'t serve no gorillas in here."

So the guy figures he\'ll fix them, he takes the gorilla home, shaves off all her hair, gives her a nice wig, lipstick, red dress, etc. He takes her back to the bar and says, "I\'d like a beer, and a gin and tonic for my girlfriend here."

The bartender gives them the drinks and they go off and sit down and chat. The bartender turns to his buddy at the bar and says, "You know, that drives me crazy, it seems like every time a good looking Italian girl comes in here, she\'s with a black guy."
------------------------

A blonde is driving through the country one day when she sees another blonde in the middle of a wheat field, in a canoe, paddling away. the first blonde slams on the brakes , jumps out of her car, and screams at the second blonde.
"YOU STUPID BITCH, WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! YOU KNOW ITS DUMB BITCHES LIKE YOU THAT GIVE US ALL A BAD NAME. AND IF I COULD SWIM I\'D COME OVER THERE AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!"
-------------------------

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don\'t you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn\'t fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a **** hair off each side and put the mother ****er back up."

Martin\'s mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin\'s father got home, Martin\'s mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get ****ed. That\'s the electrician\'s job."
----------------------

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"
-------------------

A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That\'s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That\'s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That\'s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that\'s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
--------------------

-Whats black and blue and doesnt like sex??
the little asian kid in my closet.
------------------

A blonde finds herself in dire trouble.
Her business has gone bust and she\'s in serious financial
straits.
She\'s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I\'ve lost my business and if I don\'t get
some money, I\'m going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the
lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto! I\'ve lost my business, my
house and I\'m going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me? I\'ve lost my business, my
house,and my car. My children are starving. I don\'t often ask
you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you.
PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket
--------------------

John was moderately successful golfer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.

His golf, personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he managed to push on, but when his game turned really sour he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure and allow your swing to work again is to remove the testicles."

John was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for, but then figured at least he could play reasonable golf again. He decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning, swing free, and live a new life. He went to the club for a drink and as he walked past the Pro shop thought, "That\'s what I need: a new outfit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I\'d like some new golf slacks."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let\'s see . . .size 44 long." John laughed, "That\'s right, how did you know?" "It\'s my job."

John tried on the slacks, they fitted perfectly.

As John admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt, I\'ve got some great new Nicklaus stock."

John thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . ." .

The salesman eyed John and said,"Let\'s see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and and half neck" John was surprised, "That\'s right, how did you know?" "It\'s my job."

John tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly.

As John adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes, we just got new stock with soft spikes" John was on a roll and agreed. The salesman said, "Let\'s see. . .9 and a half. . . wide." John was astonished, "That\'s right, how did you know?" "It\'s my job."

John tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

John walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, John said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed John\'s head and said, "Let\'s see. . .7 5/8." John was really impressed, "That\'s right, how did you know?" "It\'s my job."

The hat fit perfectly. John was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear, got some great new imported stock." John thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "The salesman stepped back, eyed John\'s waist and said, "Let\'s see. . size 36."

John laughed, "No, I\'ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can\'t wear a size 34 - every time you swing it would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
--------------------------------

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
.
.
.
.
.
Nothing, you already told her twice!
------------------

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only
about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?” He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked geek. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote Ididn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It’s important.
---------------------

One day after a long hard day of work, my man Mike decided he was going to stop at the neighborhood hot spot and toss one back for the road. So while chilling out in the bar doing his thing and speaking to his peoples, Mike realizes that there are somethings that he has never partaked in life, so upon leaving the bar Mike see a prosty( hooker ) standing in a dark alley trying to cop a john.

Mike and the prosty start getting it on in the dark alley, then all of a sudden a cop rolls up on them with his flashlight.
The cop yells " Hey what are you two think your doing over there?"
Mike yells back, " Oh i\'m just having a moment with my wife. "
The cop yells back " Oh I\'m sorry, my bad( typical NYC cop )
Mike turns and yells back at the officer " Nah, thank you, i didn\'t know who this was until you flashed the light on us ."
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One day at chruch, the Catholic priest was doing a crossword puzzle. So, the priest got stuck on a word. It was a four letter word, which was another name dor a woman or lady. The priest was STUMPED, all the letters he had were U-N-T, he needed one more but he was stuck, so after asking his associate he felt that his wife would know if the answer he put there was right or not.
When he got home he looked at his wife and said " Honey what is a four letter word that is another name for a woman that ends with U-N-T?"
She looked at him and said " Honey, it\'s A-U-N-T "
So surprised of the answer he looked back at her and said " Honey do you have an eraser?
--------------------

[Titan]

Thanks luckee, you know how to brighten up my day

rofl, long long read, but ohhh so funny, heard a few b4, but most was new

down boy!

let me get my jokes...

Dinner with the Girlfriend\'s Parents Mark as unread  


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he\'d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl\'s parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I\'m so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl\'s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

----------------------

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It\'s very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I\'ll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Titan]

LOL. i stole, they were funny