Author Topic: Hate to bore you all, but here is a joke. Got one? (Read 1301 times)

videoholic · « **on:** July 06, 2003, 04:25:57 AM »

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled. It doesn\'t affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you; I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we\'ll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the post office, we don\'t do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that.

CHIZZY · « **Reply #1 on:** July 06, 2003, 05:28:01 AM »

here\'s an oldie....

An Englishman, an Irishman and a scot are all drinking in the same pub. This particular pub has a broken front door, and the place is soon full of flies. Soon after a new round is put out for the three, a fly lands in the Englishman\'s pint. As the other two watch in amusement he carefully takes out his handkerchief, removes the beast, and orders a fresh pint. While this is happening, flies land in the other two gents\' drinks. The Scot takes a look at the bugger, shrugs his shoulders, and downs the whole pint, fly and all. Thn the Englishman and the Scot watch the Irishman curse the fly up and down, pull the bug from his pint, and shake the little guy up and down, yelling:

"Spit it out, ye little thief! Spit it out!"

Kurt Angle · « **Reply #2 on:** July 06, 2003, 07:16:19 AM »

« **Reply #3 on:** July 06, 2003, 02:53:53 PM »

i dont get it

§ôµÏG®ïñD · « **Reply #4 on:** July 06, 2003, 04:18:04 PM »

that\'s because you\'re ghey.

« **Reply #5 on:** July 07, 2003, 04:01:44 AM »

no seriously, i dont get it.

videoholic · « **Reply #6 on:** July 07, 2003, 04:51:49 AM »

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on No Baby Talk!

"You need to use \'Big People\' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use \'Big People\' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done . "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use \'Big People\' words."

She then asked Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That\'s WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

CHIZZY · « **Reply #7 on:** July 09, 2003, 06:12:20 AM »

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying
erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks
his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist. After an initial examination, the physician
explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph\'s condition could be cured
through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph\'s legs, aren\'t you?"

videoholic · « **Reply #8 on:** July 09, 2003, 06:31:36 AM »

I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a
dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, and that was my future mother-in-law. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she can\'t overcome. So before I get married and commit my life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once....

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn\'t say a word. So, she said, "I\'ll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn\'t have asked for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral: Always keep your condoms in your car.:boink:

Titan · « **Reply #9 on:** July 09, 2003, 01:23:55 PM »

I\'ll keep that in mind vid :thumb:

« **Reply #10 on:** July 09, 2003, 01:41:57 PM »

Q: Who invented the door knocker ?

A: I can\'t remember his name but i am shure he won the Nobell peace prize.

yes i deserve to be banned for that

.

« **Reply #11 on:** July 09, 2003, 02:08:17 PM »

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I\'ll tell you what, I\'ll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can\'t see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"

--------------------------------------------------

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he\'s got a big smile on his face. She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today, Racer?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You\'re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Racer, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That\'s right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let\'s head out for some ice cream, and then I\'ll buy that new bike you\'ve been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

« **Reply #12 on:** July 09, 2003, 03:37:30 PM »

An Australian ventriloquist, visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he\'ll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G\'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn\'t talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how\'s it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin\' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn\'t talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how\'s it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep\'s a f***ing liar! "

« **Reply #13 on:** July 11, 2003, 03:17:55 PM »

A drunk guy in the bar says "Hey bartender, gimmie a drink"

Bartender says "No you\'ve had to many already"

A few minutes later the drunk asks again with the same answer. But the 3rd time he asked the bartender told him to leave. So the drunk asks to use the crapper before he goes. The bartender lets him.

A few minutes later the Bartender hears a scream. He ignores it, until he hears it again a couple minutes later. He goes and investigates.

Bartender "whats the matter?"
Drunk guy "well everytime I try to flush the toilet reaches up and grabs me in the balls and squeezes."

Bartender looks at him and says "Um, sir, that is the mop bucket"

« **Reply #14 on:** July 11, 2003, 03:42:58 PM »

a lady went to her doctor complaining of tummy pains.
after the examination, the doctor tells the lady.
"you\'ll be changing nappies in 9 months"

she asks. "am I pregnant?"

"no, you have bowel cancer."

AHAHHAHAHHAHAHH!!H!H!HH!H!H!H