http://www.umich.edu/~uac/threeweeks/story1313.html?fpvol=5&fpiss=2&vol=5&iss=2&sto=138 Things You Should Try in Bed with Your Man, Jane Bettleton of Cleveland, Ohio
So you are wondering to yourself: What can I do to improve my sex life? The answer might not be as obvious as you assume (sleep with other guys). As much as that seems like the answer, you\'ve already tried it...a lot. You\'ve also tried bringing new, kinky sex toys to bed--mostly while I\'m sleeping on my stomach and have to be at work at 5 A.M., you twisted ****. And has any of it worked? Certainly not for me. Here are a few tips to help spice up your love life, Jane.
1. DON\'T **** OTHER GUYS - I know, I know, this idea should be self-evident, but apparently you need to be told, you dirty whore.
2. PAY ATTENTION - As much as looking at the picture of your ex-boyfriend as we have sex might help the experience for you, it doesn\'t do much for me. The mood is further ruined when he shows up with a box of Junior Mints and a recorded laugh track.
3. MOANING - Everyone is accustomed to, at one time or another, having a girlfriend yell out another guy\'s name, but yelling out the names of fifteen other guys in the five minutes of sweet, sweet lovin\' I give you is just excessive. Especially when you include comparative measurements.
4. NAMES - I hear a lot of people have fun nicknames for their sex organs, but naming mine Limpy McLimptinshortystein is counter productive. Insult me all you like, but just leave me with the illusion that my penis is a mighty and powerful weapon to be wielded with great respect and smooth, gentle hands. Think Excalibur or He-man\'s Sword of Power. Saluting it wouldn\'t hurt either.
5. FRAGILE - In the beginning, there were Adam and Eve, and it was good. Then Eve kneeled on Adam\'s balls and he flat out killed the bitch and got God to give him a ho less likely to crush his man junk.
6. RESPECT - Leaving video tapes entitled "**** you asshole" with hours and hours of footage of you sleeping with my friends and family at the same time hurts me and gives me the impression you don\'t care, as I am not the one getting ****ed in the videos.
7. CRIMINAL CHARGES - As much as we both got a laugh out of it, charging me with rape for consensual sex isn\'t as much of a gag when they send me to prison for fifteen years to encounter less fictional circumstances.
8. CHECK I.D. - Look, I understand that when you\'re as much of a lush as you are, a random guy on the floor of a club bathroom might look like me, but more than likely, its not. A good way to be sure would be to check his I.D. before ****ing him and then his friend who also looked like me. This way we could avoid getting herpes--again.
If you give some of these ideas a try, you could really turn your love life around, Jane. And you never know, if I\'m confident, you might get a whole extra minute out of Limpy McLimptinshortystein.
