Vascetomy -
It’s time for someone to interject a little sense into the topic. And since I have been rendered sterile (haven\'t been back for the handjob into the plastic container but it\'s been 3 years...), I am just the man for the job. To follow is Beaver\'s Guide to Vasectomy.
Pre surgery you are supposed to shave you sack 2 or so days prior to the cutting. I suggest you do it a week prior cause it will take you a week to get all the ****ing little hiars down there. (or little ****ing hairs)
First off, there are the drugs. You give you two valium. Apparently there was problem with guys clutching their privates and rocking back and forth in crazy-eyed terror in the waiting room.
The doctors don’t like that. It’s bad for business. So they give you a couple downers and hope that you don’t drool too much on their five-year-old copy of Powder.
Important Vasectomy Tip #1. Drugs are your friend.
I filled out a form and ate the drugs and was sent ito a room to change into a robe. I went into the waiting room where I was given a warm blanket to keep the boys warm and cozy so they did not try to crawl up into hiding. Had they known what was in store for tem they would have crwled all the way back wence they came.
As I reclined I saw the guy in front of me hobbling out with his feet about 3\' apart taking baby steps. The sweat began flowing.
The nurse stuck her head in the waiting room and called me to my doom. I hopped up on the table and lay back as instructed and wated for the doc.
Then the doctor walked in, lifted the robe and said in his english assent, "Very nice shave, what do you think nurs 9 out of 10?
Nurse with aussie accent who I know from around town, "At least."
So doc friendly reaches down and lifts the boys off the table and comments, "Ah, lowriders, you should be back to normal in no time." So he fondles my sack a bit to locate his prey then says, "You\'ll feel a little pinch." then proceeds to stab me about 6 times with a needle. Little pinch my ass, it felt like he was skewering my for shishkabob. Pinch is what a little girl does when you piss her off. Pinch is how it feels to get you finger slammed in a door. Pinch is not the sensation of a needle boring into your scrotum. There should be another word for that sensation. A bigger, scarier word.
But no. I got “pinched.” Then the Doc took a razor sharp knife, sliced a hole in my scrotum and started fishing around. My nuts wanted nothing to do with this. They retreated to the back of the room and tried hide.
Vasectomy Tip #2 – It hurts. Don’t believe the people who say otherwise. When the most sensitive area of your body is opened up and prodded, it hurts. Why there is even debate on this, is beyond me.
So he\'s fishing around looking for my vasa deferentia which are apparently attached to my guts cause every time he pulled (yanked) on them I felt like I was going to puke.
At this time, I think I need to send a special shout out to the women who are reading this. Before you send me the “That’s nothing compared to what a woman goes through during birth / hysterectomy / gang-bang” email, let me just tell you to please shut your pie-holes. Women are tougher than men and we all know it. I’m sure if you ladies had scrotums, you’d pound them with bricks and wouldn’t even flinch. I don’t want to hear about it.
Vasectomy tip #3- Valium is your friend.
Finally, mercifully, the valium kicked in. It was like being drunk – good drunk, riding the crest of the perfect ethyl wave. I was high. I was, in my opinion, a brilliant conversationalist. I was funny…no, I was hysterical. Shucking and jiving with the professionals attending to my crotch, I didn’t have a care in the world. A scotch and soda would be nice though. And maybe pants. Ya, pants…
I was a riot.
He proceeded to slice and dice both sides leaving what felt like 6" incisions. Pulling and prodding all the time with a the cute aussie nurs watching.
Every time the nut-doctor went to shift anything, he’d give me a warning first. “I’m going to work on the other side now.” It cracked me up.
I was so busy laying down my drug-induced comedy routine that I barely noticed when the doctor picked up what must have been H.R. Giger’s crochet hook and stuck it into my sack-hole.
It was funny, in a Jackass sort of way. I almost made a joke about him crocheting an afgan out of my vas deferens. But when he hooked Mr. Left’s delicate tether, and tugged it out the hole, nothing was funny. It was a baaaaaaaaaad feeling – sort of a cross between getting kicked in the ‘nads and pulling your intestines out your ass.
The doctor cut the cord. He tied the ends into elaborate knots (either Botswain’s whistle knots or jug-sling hitches, its hard to recall), and he cauterized the whole mess with an industrial-grade soldering iron. Then he repeated the process with Mr. Right’s plumbing. When the whole thing was over, the doc crammed my wounded spaghetti back into the sack and stitched it up.
Vasectomy Tip #4 – It’s not over until you say it’s over
For what it\'s worth, getting stitches in my bag wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was already numb there. The bad part comes days later, when you get your stitches caught in your underwear just prior to taking a pee in a public restroom, and you nearly bite your tongue off trying not to squeal while the guy at the urinal next to you pretends like he doesn’t notice you gyrating and chewing on your tongue.
They say that the recovery period is supposed to last two to three days. It took me about a week before I stopped trying to walk AROUND my ice-covered crotch. I spent the week trying to avoid (with marginal success) anything that might move, jar, strain, jiggle, or otherwise traumatize my junk. I wore my wife\'s undies because they held the boys firmly in place.
Some of the post ballbag-cutting activities one should steer clear of include: walking, running, driving a stick, sitting in any position that does not allow you to keep your legs spread like a Tijuana hooker during Fleet Week, and, of course, getting punched in the junk by a three-year-old child.
Explaining to Junior that “we need to be gentle with Daddy” from a fetal position on the kitchen floor was not one of my better moments in parenting.
There were a couple longer-term effects too. Effect #1 was the bruising. I won’t go into details here, but let’s just say “stuff turned black.” Effect #2 was that I carried around the got-whacked-in-the-cajones-half-an-hour-ago feeling for about a month.
But it’s over now. And I thank the gods of modern medical science that the operation did not go South like my brother\'s which got infected..... I don’t know if I could have dealt with packing an infected scrotum with sterile gauze.
Am I glad I did it? Hell yes. They say that after the surgery, a married man can go from having sex once a month, to TWELVE TIMES a year!
Topic: Painfully funny: Vascectomy teste monial (Read 624 times)