Souly\'s building a house!

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

lol pretty funny ad. I\'m not the type of person to seek revenge or act out on this. It hasn\'t even crossed my mind.

Yep, your right, the hardest part of all this, the house. Lisa has made her choice and i can\'t change that and have accepted it. I do go in circles in my mind of things i\'ve done wrong, but in it nothing that couldn\'t have been resolved or talked about. Like i said, all the problems that lisa came up with I noticed within myself I was doing and started to make the effort to change. Was just to little to late, she didn’t see it for what it was and started to see things through black glasses, no matter how hard I tried, I was always wrong or trying to create problems.

On the flip side, she\'s done things herself that added to this break-up.
It wasn\'t just my fault. If she had said no, instead of yes, or get fucked (either would have been fine) if she had stopped mothering me and myself allowing her to do it, things would have been fine. I remember at one point i even told her to stop treating me like a 12 year old. She kept nagging on small things like tax return shit. Also on my life insurance policy on the house. Which i\'ve got sorted out now, but i had other things on my mind from a dood at work that was forever talking shit about me and people were believing it, now his gone. All the issues went with him and I’m far more happy at work. When we broke up, i told her all she had to do was wait a little longer and everything would be different. I knew as soon as my workmate left i wouldn\'t be as depressed as i was, basically my self-esteem was fucked. She knew that too.

She felt she had to push me into everything. I only did shit when i was ready to do it. Nobody pushes me into doing anything. I was ready for the house, family, marrage all that shit, but like you said, if she truly loved me, she wouldn\'t have done this and understood i was going through problems. I used to vent to her alot about it. She vented to me too about her workmate. Sometimes i would tune out, but not on purpose just because i had so much anger about what was goin on at my work. I told her that and asked her to repeat what she said whenever i did it.

I donno, its just so frustrating to know this imo shouldn\'t have happened if only she had spoken to me properly and not hinted at things, we\'d still be together and happy. Everyone tells me better now then when we had kids, but still.. atm, I feel we were never meant to fail. I find it strange that i worry for her, when everyone tells me to worry only about myself. I guess that’s something i have to do too.

Which is why i\'m going back into martial arts now, getting back into guitar a lot more. Getting contacts and new glasses (finally) and getting my self back to sexy (get my self-esteem back) So the future will I guess look good in the end. Gonna setup a gym in the house when i move in. Trying to see the lighter side of all of this, its hard, but its slowly coming over the horizon.

I still have some of her stuff, i\'ll give it back to her mum. I don\'t want anything of hers to remind me of her. I still love her, but i really need to let go and won\'t do within myself untill all this house crap is sorted. Which is really upsetting to me.

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

My self-esteem was fucked, and still is. I won\'t get it back till either Lisa and I make up, which I doubt will ever happen and I go back to martial arts (if we do make up, hopefully with her since she’s doing it anyway) I start Tuesday. Or till i get over her and move on. As i move on i see mroe and more the part i had to play in all of this and it was a big part.

Some other mistakes i made was saying stuff like "if we break up what would happen" I donno why i started saying that, it was almost like I felt we were going to break up. I donno, i even noticed i was saying it to much and said to Lisa I’d stop saying it and still said it once or twice after.

At one point i was saying to lisa she was a good girlfriend and she took offence to it thinking i was treating her like a dog. I repeated it a few times which was stupid because it was hurting her. I didn\'t mean it the way it sounded; I simply meant it to say she\'s been good to me.

It was wrong and hurtful to her and I purely fucked up. I also read her diary, but asked her if she cared. She didn\'t care and said go for it, she said I should write my own diary too. I said no because I’d write mainly angry crap about what’s been happening at work. Basically i said I’d write fucked up shit in it.  

I guess looking at my actions i would look like I was controlling of her and maybe i was becoming that way, but controlling people generally don\'t want their partner to see other people, make new friends and separate them from their family. I never stopped lisa from doing any of these things. I always told lisa she could do anything she wanted, she\'s a smart girl and didn\'t believe that in herself.

At one point lisa was talking about a guy at her work and I was getting jealous i started to get ideas in my head she was cheating on me, which I know now she wasn\'t, She wanted me to be friends with them and when we moved into the house I was planning on getting her to invite them around as well as her family. (Separately so they could get to know me)

Somewhere along the way we both lost ourselves in each other to a point where she was my focus in life and i was hers. Instead of being 2 full people that enhanced each other, we became one person that was unhappy.  I never meant to hurt lisa and would take everything back in a heartbeat. I made mistakes, big ones.  

I think it was basically because my best mate fucked me over that much that I lost myself in hate, fear and basically became something I’m not. She told me that she feel in love with a guy she met when she was 18. I didn’t understand what she meant by that but now I do understand. She fell in love with a person that had high self-esteem and didn’t take shit from anyone.

I will never let a person have that control on me again. Never will someone ever start spinning shit about me and I’ll let it go.

If I start any of the bullshit I did with lisa again. I pray my next gf slaps my face and tells me to fuck off. (not breakup fuck off)  but i doubt very much I’ll let that happen to begin with. I won\'t let myself get a low self-esteem again.

Not to say i\'m totally to blame for all of this at all. Lisa had her part too, but i did do things that she didn\'t deserve, she also got jealous of other girls talking to me and early in our relationship she even ran out of my house crying when she brought around one of her friends from school and she was talking to me. I\'ve never emotional blackmailed Lisa (which she has done to me twice) or threatened her in any way. I\'ve only ever communicated with Lisa my problems and it never went outside myself and Lisa. (Till now of course)  People can change, i think lisa did and so did i, her for the better and myself for the worse.

I just wish i could have that chance to tell lisa basically what i\'ve been saying here. If she still doesn\'t want a bar of me then so be it, but i don\'t want to throw away 10 years, a house and a future with a chick i love more then anything. I took out my problems on lisa, when i should have taken them out on the person that created my self-esteem issues to begin with. The way lisa broke off with me wasn\'t exactly right either, we could have had a sit down and she could have told me everything i was doing that was hurting her to a point where she was thinking of breaking up with me. It would have stopped, before it even got to the point of breaking up.

I know you guys are probably tired of me ranting like this, but it shit I need to get of my chest. Writing helps me deal with it and move forward. Which i am, i doubt i\'d ever get that chance from lisa and doubt more so that she\'d believe me anyway.

I gotta move forward in my life, or i\'ll be forever looking backwards wondering what went wrong. Maybe oneday i\'ll get that explanation from lisa and we can patch things up or move on. I gotta find myself again, i\'ve been lost for awhile now and i need to figure out who i am. I was going to do that with lisa once we got into our house. I guess i have to do it without her, i\'ll still be moving into our house though.

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

I\'m picking up tiles from lisa\'s tomorrow, she won\'t be there. I hope she is so at least i can appologise for my actions in this. It would be good to tell her how i feel and that i know the things i\'ve said were wrong and things i\'ve asked of her were wrong. To releave that burdon on my shoulders. Still, to throw away 10 years without even telling me she was at a point where she was thinking of breaking up with me was wrong and immature. How hard would it have been for her to sit me down and say, nathan, stop doing this or we\'re over etc.

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

well i was right, lisa wasn\'t there. I got the tiles from her mum and explained how i felt about the whole thing. That i wanted a face to face with lisa. Lisa\'s mum explained to me that lsia wasn\'t interested in this relationship and I asked her why she never told me she had a problem before the breakup and she simply said lisa is just like that. So basically for 10 years, lisa has done whatever i\'ve asked without questioning it or voicing a opinion. bullshit

Its just another lie, i got no idea what happened but the truth still hasn\'t been told. I made mistakes but none of them that were enough to cause a breakup like this. Without warning, without discussion about problems she was having. nothing!!  She\'s planning a trip overseas or so her mum tells me. Which was strange because i remember a long time ago asking lisa if we were to split up what whould she do, and she said she\'d go to europe.  

I guess thats what she\'s doing, running from this problem instead of facing it. Shes taken the cowards way out. No communication, no attempt at resolving any issues, just cut all ties with all our mutural friends and me. Her mum said to me, "you know what lisa\'s like" well, if i knew what lisa was like this wouldn\'t have happened. Clearly i didn\'t know lisa at all.  She was a time bomb waiting to go off and she did.  
Infact, she told a friend of ours who was thinking of breaking it off with her partner, don\'t. Talk it out. Yep lisa, you REALLY followed your own advice.

How fucken hard is it to communicate to your partner that something is pissing u off about them or what they\'re saying / doing etc. Surely it couldn\'t be that hard. I said to lisa\'s mum i\'ve learnt lessons from this, explained to her what happened with me. Then i asked her has lisa learnt anything from this. Is she just gonna do the same thing to her next bf. Keep it all bottled up till she explodes.. Her response was, "Thats a lesson lisa will just have to learn"

Ohh well, i guess i did dodge a bullet. If lisa doesn\'t have the guts to call me, she hasn\'t changed at all.

To go from my best friend / lover to a total stranger within months. Her mum even said we could still be friends after we\'re both over this. I turned around and said if lisa and I are over. We\'re OVER! no friendship, no nothing. I don\'t want anything to do with lisa once all the house shit is resolved.

10 years and lisa now only realises who i am? what a load of crap, her mum said lisa felt she couldn\'t live with me, ehh she lived just fine with me for 2 years in 1 bedroom.  I personally think lisa wanted this house, when i was ready we started building it and she got cold feet and is running as far as she can from me.  Its the commitment she\'s afraid off. She probably still has some feelings for me is why she\'s been so distant and only doing things through emails. Some other mates think she\'s cheated on me (one night stand) and feels guilty for it. Who knows, i don\'t believe that myself but the way she\'s been acting i have no idea.  I was in-love with a child.  I sure picked a winner!

Well my lessons learnt list.
[list=1]

• if someone talks shit about u, even if they\'re your best mate, tell them to fuck off and if your working with them, report it to your bosses.
• run from emotional blackmail of any kind (first time now that i remember was, she intruduced me to a chick named sarah, i was talking to sarah and lisa ran out of my house crying, of course i chased after her asking her what was wrong, told her we were just talking why are u getting upset etc, 2nd time was the whole "if u don\'t come over you don\'t love me thing", 3rd time was her aunts driveway saying she didn\'t love me, when i got upset she was like ohh, u do love me and everything was normal again)
• if a chick needs constant reinforcemnt that i love her even though i tell her EVERYDAY, leave relationship
• If the chick doesn\'t get shitty at you when she should be, or is always trying to make you happy. Fuck her off, she\'ll end up resenting you for it and just snap. (which is basically what lisa did)
• look at the mother, if she\'s done a runner on the father, the daughter will probably follow suit and most likely will end up just like the mother.
• look at the family. Even if they\'re together all the time, doesn\'t mean they\'re a fuctional family (they constantly backstab and fight each other)
• stay away from families that are stuck in outdated stupid traditions. (nonna being head of the family etc)
• stay away from chicks that over act everything, if they\'re sick they act like they\'re dieing run (one time, lisa collapsed at her house and we  called a ambulance, when they got there she stood up like nothing happened, they looked at me like WTF!!!)
• stay away from chicks that can turn tears off and on like water works, (one time lisa cooked for me, it was burnt and tasted like crap. I told her it was burnt and didn\'t taste good, she started to cry and i told her to taste it, once she did she stopped  straight away)
• Her own father telling me not to marry her or rush into it (even though she wanted to marry me) then telling me after we broke up to basically forget about her.
• If your GF worries more about family issues over you all the time, forget her. She\'s to tied to the family and will listen to any bs they have to say bout u, even when they barely know u.

i could keep on going but u get the point.

I still have heaps of respect for lisa\'s dad. He is and always will be to me a great bloke. We got along very well. If i could keep contact with him i\'d like to very much, when i pickup the tiles from him i\'ll ask him if he cares down the track if i can keep up with him.

and i still have to live in the house for 6 months by myself to cover lisa\'s and my own ass with the government grant, that being. If i don\'t we will owe 26 grand back to the government.
FUCK!!

if lisa just waited till we got into the house she would have noticed massive changes in me, higher self-esteem, getting fit etc. But she has no for sight what so ever. She didn\'t stay by me even knowing i was going through a hard time with a work mate. She couldn\'t simply understand that my venting wasn\'t personal and i was just angry about being stuck in a job with a cunt of a ex best mate that was a total ass once he realised the bosses started having more interests in me. I was even planning on looking for a new job once the house was built to get away from this ex-mate. But he left the day after we broke up.  What a kick in the nutz.

well, at least i\'ve learnt from this and will down the track meet a chick that will stand by me through thick and thin and not take shit personally if i have a bad day.
It will be hard for me to totally trust a chick again, but as everyone keeps telling me, they\'re all different.

What cuts me the deepest. Is the past, when we meet. She said she was pulled towards the church and was gonna avoid it. I wanted to see lisa so badly for months. Then we finally meet again and it was like magic.   I never thought fate would flip a coin and wack me in the face with it. What was meant to be never was meant to be. I even gave lisa a braclet once that said "forever magic" or "magic forever" can\'t remember which way but man if i knew what was coming.  She\'ll never find another dood that will put up with the shit i have in her life ever again. I predict she\'ll end up just like her aunt and mother. Alone.  I could be totally wrong though, fate could slap me again and she\'ll end up doing totally fine while i go down the shitter, who knows.  If there is such thing as fate. (as lisa\'s mum would say, "the universe will provide"

Read that list and tell me, would u take on a family and chick like that?

[videoholic]

So can we go back on topic?  What happened to the house?  Walls a warping?

Holy crap Souly you can write a book from all this.  Look into seeing a counselor/therapist, especially if your gov healthcare plan or insurance covers it.    It\'s great to unload on someone who can give you professional feedback.

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

lol, the house is getting plaster up atm. Its close to lockup stage, Walls are straight.
so i\'ll be moving in pretty soon i think. I even thinking of saying fuck it, not moving in and putting us both in debt. Why should i carry teh burdon on something she has done. I\'m in a better position with money then she is, so it won\'t put me out to much.

I\'ve been unloading on my parents a lot.. they\'ve been great through this. Very dissapointed in lisa, my dad was just starting to trust her and she does all this shit.  I never thought lisa and I would ever become like this, ever. Its just fucked. I trusted her and she\'s betrayed me in a way that is just unacceptable. Sure i\'ve done my part in this, but to just say "fuck it" and walk away like she has no responsiblities is so immature, cold and lame its not funny, but when i read that list i just convince myself that i have dodged a bullet.

If lisa was being honest about building the house to save our relationship then she\'s a fucken idiot. I doubt that. She wanted this as much as i did, whatever has happened has happened in the last few months and i may have had a small part to play, but she\'s played the biggest part. To go from hating her boss to being her best mate speaks words to me. A switch has flipped and thats that.

Whats even more strange, her new facebook page is using a pic of her from my 25th b\'day party. WTF!! yea, thats one way to forget about me. :rolleyes:

[Living-In-Clip]

Move on and quit whining dude.
Sell the house.
Move on.

Damn. I got a headache from reading your long whining posts. I\'m sorry, but you gotta pick your pants up and just move on. Quit whining and focusing on it.

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

go fuck yourself. I swear some people in this world are wired to just be fuckwits.
sorry i give a shit about people i\'m (was) close to, i wonder if you\'ve ever been in a 10 year relationship? You might value love as utter crap but i hold it in a higher regard. I am moving on, but bitching is part of the process.

[Living-In-Clip]

go fuck yourself. I swear some people in this world are wired to just be fuckwits.
sorry i give a shit about people i\'m (was) close to, i wonder if you\'ve ever been in a 10 year relationship? You might value love as utter crap but i hold it in a higher regard. I am moving on, but bitching is part of the process.

Was in a five - six year relationship. I ended up ending it with her. I value love (getting married soon even), but man, you\'re just sitting here dwelling on it. Its starting to get a tad pathetic. You got to man up and move on. I\'m not trying to be harsh , I am just trying to shake you into reality. Quit going "Lisa this..Lisa that" and move on. Dwelling on it isnt going to help you move past it.

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

can\'t stop the mind from doin its thing man, everyone has a process. This is mine, i\'ll move on in time. I\'m always goin out with mates, doing new things etc. She\'ll be right.  Just ignore my ranting if u don\'t like it. Its my way of getting the thoughts out of my head. I even had a pretty hot chick flirt with me at a mates party, and my mate next to me. But i wasn\'t interested...  They say i should get laid, but i\'m not that type of dood to just go out and fuck some random chick.

[videoholic]

If they are saying that you should get laid, then you are probably annoying them with your Lisa talk.  You need to nut up and realize that she is worthless to you.

[§ôµÏG®ïñD]

lol nar, it was a one of statement from a mate i spoke to about it once. He doesn\'t have any relationships at all. He doesn\'t trust any chicks.

[videoholic]

Denial is not a river.

[clips]

Haha...Vid is funny....while souly maybe should forget about her,..i think we can cut him some slack since he still has to deal with her on some level since they have that house together....Souly,..i know it\'s hard, but you gotta stop beatin\' yourself up over her,....from the outside lookin\' in it doesn\'t seem like she\'s worth all of this pepto-bismol stress.

Go to the club with your menz, get smashed and mash up some chickenhead from the club for some rebound sex....and believe it or not, sometimes when you don\'t pay attention to your gf or ex in your case, that is when they sometimes show the most affection or interest, so if you show that you\'re not even bothered by this, she may come back to you or show some concern or even want to talk.

But that is trying too hard and is like playing mind games....like what was stated earlier if she loved you she would\'ve stuck by you no matter what. It\'s going to be hard no doubt, but even when you speak to her concerning the house, just keep it strickly business, don\'t even try to attemp to want to talk to her about the relationship...she MIGHT change her tune and wonder why you\'re not checkin\' for her anymore, but even if that was to happen, i wouldn\'t give her the time or day.