He posted this on his blog today:
"Even a smile would do for now.."
It\'s funny (not ha-ha funny) when you have the chance to look back and see just how bad you\'ve screwed things up. I recently had the chance with my marriage and now that I look back, I can\'t believe the things I done or said.
See, my problem is when I get hurt or angry, I react and continue to react. I don\'t know when to stop.. I can go from loving to feeling nothing faster than the speed of sound (and I should know, it often happens before words are even spoken). It\'s a silly immature way of dealing with things, but it\'s the only way I know how. For example, my wife and I recently had a nice big blow out fight. You know, the kind where both parties know they are overstepping boundaries and everyone knows that each word is going to make it worse. Did that stop me? No, it didn\'t. It didn\'t even come close, instead I kept going. I kept pushing and she kept reacting. Eventually she was leaving for the week and I honestly believed her. I was hurt, but at the same time, relieved. It was a confusing feeling and over the course of the hours, I shut down. I drifted off, looking at the wall and not even really thinking about anything. Eventually, the hours rolled by and she came back. I was excited to see her, but I didn\'t show it. Instead, before I could even control my tongue, I looked at her with a dead face and asked the question no wife wants to hear, "Why are you here?". I don\'t know why I done it. I wanted her home, but I felt so much anger, that I had to once again break the speed of sound with my words.
Of course, the fight carried over to today and now, there is this tension between us. It\'s the kind where you want to smile, you want to hug, but you wonder, "is this just temporary?" or "can this even work?". And no matter how much you want those things, you hold yourself back, you\'re scared of the calm before storm. You\'re scared about what could come, if you just try those things. You\'re worried that you\'re sweeping it under the rug.
To make matters worse, my in-laws and wife are convinced that our son may have a mental disorder such as autism. I won\'t bother arguing about if he does or doesn\'t, it\'s pointless. He is nine months old and can\'t be tested for this stuff, but I will say, that I don\'t believe he does. And now, because we do have these fights, there is the pressure that if we don\'t "do better", my son will be taken or my wife has to leave. I feel like there is more pressure on the marriage than ever. I don\'t even know what to say to them now. I feel like I\'m being judged and they only can see one side of things. I think of them as parents, but when our marriage is in trouble and they get in the middle of it, I realize that they never will truly be my parents. They can\'t be. They\'ll always be her parents, biased towards her and no matter how angry that makes me or how hurt I am, I can\'t blame them.
Now the hours have past by and I\'m sitting here, blogging while Damien Rice plays and she drifts off to sleep next to me. I\'m sitting here, confused on what I should do. Should I embrace her? Should I ask her to take a break? Or would a smile do for now?
And Soully is a fag.
