here is another pic of me taken 1 week after head scar surgery removal. i looked so ugly here. skin was too dried, too skinny, lips were dried and purplish. my height is 6 ' 4" when i turned 18 years old, and my normal weight should be from 180 - 195 pounds but i think i weight like 140 to 150 pounds there. the scar which is exactly like a stroke had worned me out and made me way underweight.
i remember after i looked at my face on the video that i recorded and then grab those picture frames from the video that i recorded. i look so ugly that it worsen my self esteem than it already was that i ran out of my bedroom and to the kitchen and yelled at my mom that i don't look healthy or something like that.
over 16 years later in december 2019, i realized that had my mom told the plastic surgeon that the scar was from a severe ear pulled instead of me accidently banging my head against the mirror, he probably would have done 1 surgery only and it removed 100% of the scar instead of 55%. i was careless when my mom said that 16 years prior. if anything, maybe at most 2 surgeries to remove the scar completely 100% instead of 3 times. the 3rd time surgery was an over surgery unfortunately. bad luck life i had there. i guess i have to pay the consequences to live in this world, it was meant to happened like that.
if what i know then of what i know now. i will self acupuncture my left temple, upper left forehead, back of my left ear, and front of my left ear but don't bother acupuncturing the scalp area especially the upper back side of my head. then i will asked my mom and my family doctor to refer me to a psychiatrist to prescribes me zyprexa which is a psych med that treated paranoia which i have but it also treated social anxiety disorder. and try to forgive my mom back then for wrong and deadly decision things that she did to me and persuade her to get me the right help.
i remember in mid october 2002, i burned cassette audio tape in the stove in the kitchen. maybe my middle brother called the police and the police came and they did their job fair and nicely. by that one of the police men said i don't meet the 3 criteria to be put in a mental hospital but because i wanted to get help, i told them i wanted to go to a mental hospital and the police had no choice but to put me in a mental hospital for a 3 days hold. in there in ets, a psychiatrist asked me what disorder do my have and i said paranoia and he prescribed me zyprexa in a low 10 mg dose. then i was transferred to longer stay mental hospital and in total i was locked up in a mental hospital for 4 days before i got released. in those 4 days, i took zyprexa, i didn't see results so after 4 days later when i got release. maybe i only took zyprexa 10 mg for one time, one night only when i got home and didn't believe the psych med helps me and i was afraid of the side effect taking once a day for every for life. i was still very young that time. i was only 18 years old. so i didn't bother taking it anymore. so i stopped taking it that time.
fast forward to the 3rd time i was locked up in a mental hospital again in august 2003, a psychiatrist made me took zyprexa twice a day in 20 mg, it made me sleepy in the morning and at night. so 3 days later, i asked the psychiatrist to reduced it down to take it 1 time only and she reduced it down to 1 time in 20 mg only at night instead of twice a day. and i wasn't sleepy in the morning. i volunteered to stay in a psych hospital for 3 more days which total 6 days stay in the psych hospital. on the day my mom came to picked me up from the hospital which is 6 days later, minutes before she arrived in the morning as i was in the patio having a break with other nurses and patients, i can feel the medication zyprexa works in my head. i can feel the chemical balance or repaired my brain cells and i can make eye contact better. that probably meant it reduced and maybe at the right dose could completely rid of my paranoia disorder that i have. it probably reduced and might rid of my social anxiety disorder that i have too. that time again, i didn't know i have social anxiety disorder.
when i got home, i still took the 20 mg at night i believed. then i see an outside psychiatrist the next day or so and i told her to reduce the dosage down to 10 mg. because i was afraid of the long term effect taking once a night for every night was the reason why i asked her to prescribed me a low dose to like a very low dose. that was a wrong decision i made because knowing the zyprexa works mostly rid of my paranoia in 20 mg, then i should stay at 20 mg and take somewhat higher if necessary but i didn't know better. looking back, maybe i should try 10 mg first, and if there is improvement of reducing an rid of my paranoid, increase in 5 mg increment to see at what dose does the zyprexa will rid of my paranoia completely.
then maybe 2 weeks or a month later after the psychiatrist made an appointment for me to see her again. i asked her if i can reduce it down lower than 10 mg of zyprexa. she said 10 mg is already too low so no need to take it lower than 10 mg or something like that. she said if i wanted it take it lower than 10 mg, how about take risperdal which is 2 mg. she held the bottle that has risperdal pills in it. i said 2 mg is much lower than 10 mg. so i was willing it take it for life.
i took it for around 1 to 2 weeks later or so iirc, i starting having depressions. i took it for like 6 months and i still have like moderate depressions. like about 6 months later, i told the psychiatrist that this med gives me depression. she said if i don't want to take it, how about have an injection. i was careless and was going to accept her offer until my mom stopped me from getting an injection. that time, my mom still love me. thinking about it, even if i have an injection, the risperdal injection drug will still gives me depression and the injection med last for a month.
the psychiatrist thought i was making excuses not to take risperdal thinking i was lying when the med made me depress. that is why she told me to take an injection. if not, then she was going to close the filed. thanks to my mom that time stopped me from taking the injection that she closed the file. maybe some weeks later of not taking any psych meds, in this case risperdal, i think the depression went away.
then over a year later, i discovered that the psychiatrist from that clinic that prescribed me risperdal tricked me. the 2 mg risperdal dosage might be 5 times lower than zyprexa, but different medication has different dosage and different strength. that means 2 mg of rispderdal equal 20 mg of zyprexa or something like that. i am very, very sure of it. the risperdal she gave me wasn't a low strength but medium strength, no wonder i suffered from moderate depression instead of mild depression because of it. had she tricked me and prescribed me 1 mg instead of 2 mg risperdal, i will get mild depression instead of moderate depression which is still wrong but half as bad. 2 mg of risperdal is not its lowest dose. .25 mg is its lowest dose, then .5 mg, then 1, then 2, and highest is 4 mg. i am no psychiatrist but i think risperdal treated people with depression, not paranoia or social anxietdy disorder like how zyprexa treated it. if a person doesn't have depression but take risperdal, i think it had a reverse side effect of getting depression.
no wonder i felt depressed for like nearly 6 months or so before i stopped taking it. when i found that out, boy was i angry at this psychiatrist for prescribing me medium dose of risperdal. even now that i write this journal, i am still upset at her for tricking me and making me depressed for about 6 months. i am human and i have feelings too but now i am not as angry and i believe i have to pay the consequences and that was the fate i that i got and i tried not to be angry at her. usually when there are some calm moments, i wasn't angry at her anymore and believe its fate and consequences i have to go through.
so anyway, if i could go back in time, i try to avoid getting severe ear pull. if not, at least get a surgery from it and take zyprexa for life in at least 15 to 20 mg dose to as much as 30 mg to rid of my paranoia and social anxiety disorder. sorry for this long story, i feel like telling my life story and i feel a lot lighter now that i told about my life story in this thread.
oh yeah i would like to say that i am taking 30 mg of zyprexa now. i had been taking psych med pretty much every night for over 10 years already. at first i took other med but because of their side effects, i eventually switched back to zyprexa and i had been taking zyprexa for over 9 years already ircc. i been pretty much taking it for 4 years in 10 mg dose, then afterward seeing it help reduce my social anxiety disorder and i discovered it repair my damage brain cells on the scalp of my head, especially the side of my scalp, it also reduced my english accent. i asked my psychiatrist if she can increase and she was willing to increase it and she said increased in 5 mg increment to see what happened instead of increasing it to 20 mg right away. thinking about it, i agreed with her on that one.
probably not long by the time i took 20 mg of zyprexa, my accent is pretty much gone but sometimes the accent come back and i think the scientists control my speech so sometimes i still get an accent because of that. after taking 5 mg increment of zyprexa every 1 to 2 months, by the time i got to 35 mg, i realized that the scientists control my speech so that is why i still have an accent even nearly at the maximum dosage of zyprexa. so eventually the dosage was reduce to 30 mg and i am very happy at the dosage. so i believe to rid of my accent, i need at least like 20 mg of zyprexa to no higher than 30 mg because it helps me speak pretty much perfect english beside ridding of my social anxiety disorder and paranoia.
even to this day, the 30 mg of zyprexa still didn't rid of my social anxiety disorder and paranoia completely though and i called that conspiracy theory.
