Arab-American Third-Grader Returns From Recess Crying, Saying He Didn\'t Kill Anyone
ROYAL OAK, MI
Eddie Bahri, 8, a Lincoln Elementary School third-grader of Iraqi descent, tearfully denied accusations during morning recess Tuesday that he was a terrorist who killed a bunch of people. "I did not kill anybody," Bahri told classmate Douglas Allenby. "And my dad didn\'t, either, okay?" Also implicated in the Sept. 11 attacks was 9-year-old Rajesh Soonachian, a Lincoln Elementary fourth-grader of Indian descent.
President Urges Calm, Restraint Among Nation\'s Ballad Singers
WASHINGTON, DC
In the wake of the recent national tragedy, President Bush is urging Mariah Carey, Michael Jackson, and other singers to resist the urge to record mawkish, insipid all-star tribute ballads. "To America\'s recording artists, I just want to say, please, there has already been enough suffering," Bush said. "The last thing we need right now is a soaring Barbra Streisand-Brian McKnight duet titled \'One For All.\'" Reports that the FBI had confiscated several notebooks and audio tapes from Diane Warren\'s home could not be confirmed as of press time.
Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In \'80s
MIDLAND, TX
Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA\'s mid-\'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I\'m sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them \'freedom fighters\' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.
.......thank god for the onion.
Topic: NEWFLASH - This just in!!! (Read 603 times)