A man walks into a bar with his pet money and sits down to order a drink. Immedeately, the monkey jumps off his shoulder and begins running around the bar eating all the limes, pretzles, and beernuts. Annoyed the bartender looks to man, but before he can say anything, the monkey jumps on the pool table and swallows one of the balls whole.
"Holy Shyt!" The bartender said, "Yer monkey jus ate my Cue ball!" "Yeah", the man said "The lil bastard eats everything in sight." So the man settled up the tab, finished his beer and took his monkey home.
A week later, the man and the monkey enter the bar again. As he sits down to have a drink, the monkey leaps off his shoulder and heads for a bowl of cherries. He grabs one out, sticks it up his rectrum, and then eats it.
"Oh my god", the bartender said, "Did you jus see what your monkey did this time??"
"Yeah," The man said, "Lil bastastard still eats everything in sight, but ever since that Cue ball he\'s been measuring it first."
--------------------
A penguin is driving down the road in his brand new Cadillac when all of a sudden he starts hearing some odd noises come from his engine. Not wanting to ruin his new ride, he quickly pulls over to the nearest mechanic shop to get it checked out.
"Well", the mechanic said to the penguin, "I\'m pretty busy so It\'ll take about an hour before I can take a look at it."
Spying a grocery store across the street, the penguin replied "It\'s alright, I\'ll just go over there for awhile and be back in about an hour."
So the penguin waddles across the street to the grocery store and immedeately heads to the freezer section where he begins munching down on frozen fish sticks and Ice Cream. After about an hour of gorging himself, he waddles back to the mechanic\'s shop.
The mechanic greeted him at the door. Wiping his greasy hands, he said to the penguin. "Looks to me like you just blew a seal." To which the penguin blushes and relpies.. "No.. No no.. that\'s just vanilla ice cream."
