For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don\'t
take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON\'T know!!! Now get this. I
was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A
man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!I couldn\'t believe that anyone could be that
rude. I tracked down Robin\'s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it
again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You\'re a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his
phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I
was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I\'d call him up. He\'d answer, and I\'d yell, "You\'re a jackass!" It
would always cheer me up. Later in the year the telephone company introduced caller ID. his was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his
number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I\'m just calling to see if you\'re familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and
slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That\'s because you\'re a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there\'s ever anything really bothering
you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn\'t think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed
up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she\'s finally leaving. All of a sudden
this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started
honking my horn and yelling, "You can\'t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his
Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn\'t even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy\'s a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in
the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of
days later, I\'m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling,
"You\'re jackass!"(It\'s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the
phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I\'d better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black
Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It\'s a yellow house and the car\'s parked right out front."
I said, "What\'s your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When\'s a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I\'m home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you\'re a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen\'s number to my speed dialer. For awhile things seemed to be going
better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling
the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn\'t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello." I yelled "You\'re a jackass!", but I didn\'t hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What\'s your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It\'s a yellow house and my black Camaro\'s parked out front."
"I\'m coming over right now, Don. You\'d better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I\'m really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You\'ll what?"
"I\'ll kick your ass."
"Well, here\'s your chance. I\'m coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was
going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war
going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the
whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars
and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
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STATE MOTTOS -
Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity
Arizona:
But It\'s a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain\'t Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don\'t Ski, Don\'t Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha\'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
Potatoes and NeoNazi\'s . What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois:
Please Don\'t Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
Where Science Don\'t Mean ****
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:
We\'re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That\'s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We\'re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man\'s Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden\'s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really Are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
At Least We\'re Not Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl . . . It\'s What\'s For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We\'re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn\'t Actually Surrender
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
Si\' Hablo Ingles
(Yes, I Speak English)
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don\'t Mix?
Washington:
Help! We\'re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family--Really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men and Sheep Are
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