Actual resume excerpts

Actual Resume Excerpts

1.  "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."

2.  "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."

3.  "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."

4.  "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."

5.  "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."

6.  "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."

7.  "It\'s best for employers that I not work with people."

8.  "Let\'s meet, so you can \'ooh\' and \'aah\' over my experience."

9.  "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."

10.  "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

11.  "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

12.  "Marital status: single.  Unmarried.  Unengaged.  Uninvolved. No commitments."

13.  "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

14.  "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....  Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office
voice mail."

15.  "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

16.  "My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I
should try stock brokerage."

17.  "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."

18.  "Personal interests: donating blood.  Fourteen gallons so far."

19.  "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."

20.  "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

21.  "Note: Please don\'t misconstrue my 14 jobs as \'job-hopping\'.  I have never quit a job."

22.  "Marital status: often.  Children: various."

23.  "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning.
I couldn\'t work under those conditions."

24.  "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

25.  "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

26.  "References: none.  I\'ve left a path of destruction behind me."

Originally posted by luckee
8.  "Let\'s meet, so you can \'ooh\' and \'aah\' over my experience."

thats a good pick up line.

Originally posted by Luke


thats a good pick up line.

you want pickup lines ehh?

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I\'d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

3. If it\'s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. My love for you is like diarrhea--I just can\'t hold it in.

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let\'s go ****.

8. Is that a keg in your pants? \'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you
   between the holidays?

10. You remind me of a championship bass--I don\'t know whether to mount you or eat you!

11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.

12. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

13. I\'m not too good at algebra, but doesn\'t U+I = 69?

14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I\'ll put my head in.


 

Originally posted by luckee


you want pickup lines ehh?

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I\'d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag.

3. If it\'s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. My love for you is like diarrhea--I just can\'t hold it in.

7. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let\'s go ****.

8. Is that a keg in your pants? \'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

9. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you
   between the holidays?

10. You remind me of a championship bass--I don\'t know whether to mount you or eat you!

11. Your parents must be retarded because you are special.

12. Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?

13. I\'m not too good at algebra, but doesn\'t U+I = 69?

14. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open and I\'ll put my head in.


 

saw all of those on a pr0n site...


what were you doing!?:eek:

Originally posted by ajoh432
saw all of those on a pr0n site...


what were you doing!?:eek:

going through my old humor .txt files........

Haha, great post.  Reminds me of when Benicio del Toro and Ryan Phillipe go into the sperm bank for an interview in "Way of the Gun".

"What makes you eligible for donating sperm?"

"Well...I never killed a man."

[Titan]

Those were pretty funny. I wonder how many of those pickup lines would work. Let me try.
*walks up to girl*
*says one of luckee\'s pickup lines*
*gets slapped really hard*

Nope, don\'t work