stupid jokes part I

I\'m not going to say that I made this thread up because I\'m bored. I\'ll be honest, I just suck at telling jokes, but what the heck...here goes.


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy asks his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there\'s nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No ****? Who did she play for?"

I liked that joke, great 2 parter!!!

[Bobs_Hardware]

bad jokes...are my life...im hoping this thread becomes the greatest ever..........*excited*

but that wasnt a bad joke.. THIS IS A BAD JOKE

A pizza and a lasagna were having a conversation.  The Lasagna says to the pizza..
Lasagna: Hey man...your wife is an absolute slut and anyone who would be willing to sleep with her is an absolute moron
and the pizza replies furiously..
Pizza: Are you saying....you wanna piece of me??

BOOYEAH!  bad joke  

bring em on, i guarantee you i will be unbeatable!

:fro:  toot on

you think that ones\' bad, check this out;

A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I\'ll have a Bacardi and...............................Coke."
The Bartender asks "Sure, but what\'s with the big pause?"
The Polar Bear replies, "I don\'t know, I\'ve always had them."




man, that\'s stupid!

[Bobs_Hardware]

hahaha, that was beeeaaaauuuutiful  

but i made mine up myself...suckah!

Thats what I call tallent friend, but this one takes the cookie...



Three old men were sitting around the old folks home talking about their problems. One old man says, every morning I have to get up stand in front of toilet for about twenty minutes before anything finally decides to come out. The second man says that\'s nothing. Every morning I sit on the toilet for an hour trying to have a bowel movement. The third man says that\'s nothing every morning at six o\'clock I urinate and at seven o\'clock I have a bowel movement. The two men look at each other and say, so what\'s the problem! He says, I don\'t wake up till eight.



man, that is funny, but I can\'t take credit for any of my jokes. I\'m not cool enough to think that chit up!

Well I don\'t know if these qualify but here are some "old chinese proverbs" I found...

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

lol there all funny, but the best is the first one

knock knock
who\'s their?
the incredible interupting cow
the incredible interu-MOO!

doesn\'t make sence typed

I liked the last one. Heres a couple:

Have u ever read helen kellers new book?
            Around The Block In Eighty Days.

have you ever seen helen kellers house?
                         Neither did she.

This one girl asked her dad , Daddy, How did i get my name? The dad says well when you were born a rose petal fell on your head, thats why your name is rose. The second girl askes dadt, Where did i get my name from. The dad says well when you were born a daisy petel fell on your head. The third girl comes in ang goes, CCCUCUUUUUUHUHUHU JAAAHAHAHAH KAAAHHAHAH MMAAGA. the dad turns and says, SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!

why does Helen Keller masterbate with one hand?

so she can moan and groan with the other.

lol, man these are all so good so far. Heres another...

This guy walks into bar. After ordering his drink he looks over at the guy sitting next to him and asks; “Hey, you wanna hear a good polak joke?

The guy next to him replies; “sure. But first, do you see that guy down at the end of the bar? He’s polish. Those four Bikers that just rolled in…. Their polish. The bartender…. He’s polish. And as for me…. I’m polish too. So, do you still want to tell that polak joke?

The guy, with a puzzled look on his face says "Heck no, I don’t wanna have to explain it three times!"

Heres one or two:

How did Helen Kellers Parents punish her for being Bad? They took all the doorknobs off the doors.
How did Helen Kellers Parents punish her for being really Bad? They stood on all her braile books with golf shoes.
How did Helen Kellers Parents punish her for being unbeleivably Bad? They left the plunger in the toilet!

That joke sucked - i just realised!! This is a little better:

A duck walks into a bar, jumps onto the bar and shouts to the landlord, \'HAVE YOU GOT ANY FISH?\' \'No,\' replied the landlord, \'We don\'t have any fish,\' so the duck walks out. An hour later, the duck comes back, jumps on the bar and shouts, \'HAVE YOU GOT ANY FISH?\' To this, the landlord says, \'Look, I told you already, we dont have any fish, alright?\' So once again, the duck strolls out. Another hour passes and the duck returns, jumps on the bar and shouts, \'HAVE YOU GOT ANY FISH?\' The landlord is pretty pissed off by now and replies, \'Look, if you come in here one more time and ask for fish, i\'ll nail your bloody feet to that bar!\' The duck walks out, and sure enough, one hour later he returns, jumps on the bar and shouts to the landlord, \'HAVE YOU GOT ANY NAILS?\' \'No\' replies the landlord with a puzzled look on his face, \'OK,\' shouts the duck, \'HAVE YOU GOT ANY FISH?\'

This thread is getting better and better by the day...oh...it\'s only been two days so far. Well anyway, heres another stupid joke for you all.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "I caught my finger in a door and it really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don\'t do that. There\'s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have a moderate finger sprain. Soak your finger in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he picked his nose and put it into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren\'t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don\'t stop picking your nose, your finger will never get better.

Originally posted by project86
This thread is getting better and better by the day...oh...it\'s only been two days so far. Well anyway, heres another stupid joke for you all.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "I caught my finger in a door and it really hurts. I guess I should go see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don\'t do that. There\'s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have a moderate finger sprain. Soak your finger in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he picked his nose and put it into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren\'t yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don\'t stop picking your nose, your finger will never get better.

i heard that one and it was slightly different, i carry on from when he trys to confuse it,( also plz note he sprained his wrist not hurt his finger)


he puts the dog poo in there, gets his wife and daughter to pi$$ in it, the "knocks one off " in it, takes it the machine. 10 mins latr he gets the awnser

dogs got worms,
daughters got thrush,
wiife is pregnant,
its not his
and if he dont stop wan*ing, his wrist will never get better.



also this thread is funny, it get better all the time