More funnies (again)

A selection of quotes from British Football Commentary, made by
a certain Mr. Keegan and Mr. Robson.

(1)  "They\'re the second best team in the world, and there\'s no higher
      praise than that," said Kevin Keegan when asked to comment on
      Argentina\'s qualities.

(2)  "England have the best fans in the world and Scotland\'s fans are
      second-to-none."

(3)  "It\'s like a toaster, the ref\'s shirt pocket - every time there\'s
      a tackle, up pops a yellow card."

(4)  "I don\'t think there\'s anyone bigger or smaller than Maradona."

(5)  "England can end the millennium as it started - as the greatest
      football nation in the world."

(6)  "You can\'t do better than go away from home and get a draw."

(7)  "He\'s using his strength and that is his strength, his strength."

(8)  "Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no
      choice."

(9)  "The tide is very much in our court now."

(10) "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."

(11) "I came to Nantes two-years-ago and it\'s much the same today,
      except that it\'s totally different."

(12) "I know what is around the corner - I just don\'t know where the
      corner is. But the onus is on us to perform and we must control
      the bandwagon."

(13) "In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg."

(14) "The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next
      World Cup comes around, if they\'re not careful."

(15) "It\'s understandable that people are keeping one eye on the pot
      and another up the chimney."

(16) "I\'d love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing
      room at half-time."

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent
25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he
broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been
sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed
right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to
his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn\'t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and
then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he
wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don\'t fight him or make
him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I\'m so relieved you feel that way. You\'re right, he
hasn\'t seen a woman in years, but he wasn\'t kissing my
neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you\'re
really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you, too.."

Originally posted by The_Rickster
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent
25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he
broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been
sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed
right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to
his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn\'t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and
then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he
wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don\'t fight him or make
him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I\'m so relieved you feel that way. You\'re right, he
hasn\'t seen a woman in years, but he wasn\'t kissing my
neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you\'re
really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you, too.."

Funny stuff man, funny stuff.

[videoholic]

Heard the joke, but loved the anecdotes.  Now that is humour.  You see, you don\'t have to put a pen up your butt to be funny.

Originally posted by Videoholic
Heard the joke, but loved the anecdotes.  Now that is humour.  You see, you don\'t have to put a pen up your butt to be funny.

*pulls pen out of butt*

You don\'t?

Originally posted by Videoholic
Heard the joke, but loved the anecdotes.  Now that is humour.  You see, you don\'t have to put a pen up your butt to be funny.

Yeah, the anecdotes are good, it makes it even funnier if you know who the people who said them are, its really believable that they have been said!

Now where did i put that pen??

[CHIZZY]

*Sniffs rick\'s pen*

"gawd mate, you\'d better lay off the curry...."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What\'s the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I\'ll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says " I would have gotten out today".

Originally posted by The_Rickster
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent
25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he
broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been
sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed
right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to
his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn\'t seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and
then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he
wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don\'t fight him or make
him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife
says: "Dear, I\'m so relieved you feel that way. You\'re right, he
hasn\'t seen a woman in years, but he wasn\'t kissing my
neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you\'re
really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you, too.."

This would have to be the funniest thing I have heard in ages. Wonder if theres a part two...

rofl ths is so funny, the joke is excellen,and i love the quotes, iveheard them b4, bu they are still sooooo funny

*this is not ment to be racist in any way*

What did the Chinese parents name their mentally ill child?





Som ting wong

[CHIZZY]

Guy gomes home from work and says " Honey, pack your bags, I\'ve won the lottery!". All excited, she says, "oh my GOD! Well, what should I pack for, the beach? a ski resort? Monte Carlo?", to which he replies,





















 " I don\'t care, just get the f*ck out!"