REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as
Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at an undisclosed facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 6:22 am PDT (1322 GMT/9:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with pre-emptive talks between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible future antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I\'m anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Bush announced that the US Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We\'ve tried sanctions since before lunch, and they don\'t work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.
Microsoft\'s Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft\'s recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we\'ve finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of WindowsME." Myrhvold warned users not to replace MicrosoftXP operating system with rival operating systems."I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a radioisotope thermoelectricgenerator inside of every Pentium 4 microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium 4 microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They\'re doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile in Tokyo Japan, Microsoft\'s main rival in the home console market Sony released a small statement in reaction to Microsofts actions. "Sony, and it\'s Playstation brand, are an honorable corperation and we do not see Microsoft as direct competition. We have built the [Playstation2] with this possiblity in mind however." Kuteragi-san said, "When first released, [Sony] stressed the Playstations ability to accurately guide missles. We are prepared to stand by that claim." Rumors persist of Sonys own weapons program being developed at an undisclosed Malaysian PS2 production facility. Mr. Kuteragi-san declined to comment.
Initial reaction from Wallstreet and the Nekki Industrial saw a 1.4% stock increase in Nintnedo, with more increases expected to follow.
http://www.cnn.com/2002/US/04/01/ms.arms/index.html
Topic: Microsoft enters the arms race. (Read 727 times)