Need help writing a paragraph for a scholarship

Here is what I have so far it sux.


Education today is the key to success, which is why it is even more important to have educational goals. Not everyone can be a sports or movie star. For the next year I plan on attending Central Texas College, which is a community college, to get my basics out of the way, but after that I plan on attending Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches, Texas. There I plan on completing my business degree. I am going to strive for the top 10 percent of my class. Depending on my job options after I finish my bachelor’s degree, I will decide whether to continue on to Graduate school or jump into the job world. Until then I will be dedicated on my school work...

[videoholic]

yep.























Oh, sorry...  What do you want us to do about it?  Why don\'t you have Adan write you something?  Are you applying for a scholarship with these words or trying to get accepted?  A little more direction and maybe we can help.

Originally posted by Videoholic

Oh, sorry...  What do you want us to do about it?  Why don\'t you have Adan write you something?  Are you applying for a scholarship with these words or trying to get accepted?  A little more direction and maybe we can help.

I am writing about my educational goals, this is to be accepted to the scholarship.

[videoholic]

I can give you a couple pointers.

Corny opening.

Why do you need to say CTC is a community college?

Don\'t say "Get my basics out of the way"  Say something like "After I attain my Associates degree I am going to attend Stephen F. Austin......."

Don\'t say you "Plan on attending"  Be more definitive.  You are a guy with goals who knows what you want to do in life.

Through hard work and diligence I will reach the top of my class.

"Depending on job options?"  Be definitive!!  it\'s not like they are going to come back to you in 4 years and say "What?  You aren\'t going to go to grad school?  You said you were in your letter!!  You can not take that job!!  Must stay!"

Say you are going to get your freaking PHD and save the world!!!

Originally posted by Videoholic
I can give you a couple pointers.

Corny opening.

Why do you need to say CTC is a community college?

Don\'t say "Get my basics out of the way"  Say something like "After I attain my Associates degree I am going to attend Stephen F. Austin......."

Don\'t say you "Plan on attending"  Be more definitive.  You are a guy with goals who knows what you want to do in life.

Through hard work and diligence I will reach the top of my class.

"Depending on job options?"  Be definitive!!  it\'s not like they are going to come back to you in 4 years and say "What?  You aren\'t going to go to grad school?  You said you were in your letter!!  You can not take that job!!  Must stay!"

Say you are going to get your freaking PHD and save the world!!!

Thank you for clearing some stuff up for me, I appreciate your help, I am a corny writer sorry, thats why I ask for opinions.

Originally posted by mjps21983
Education today is the key to success, which is why it is even more important to have educational goals. Not everyone can be a sports or movie star. For the next year I plan on attending Central Texas College, which is a community college, to get my basics out of the way, but after that I plan on attending Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches, Texas. There I plan on completing my business degree. I am going to strive for the top 10 percent of my class. Depending on my job options after I finish my bachelor’s degree, I will decide whether to continue on to Graduate school or jump into the job world. Until then I will be dedicated on my school work...

An idea for something with a severe length limit like this is to be as concise as possible.  Take out all the words you can without taking out any ideas.  It reads better that way and if you wanted you could then add more.  Going with what video suggested, I\'ll screw with it to givey ou some ideas (but keep in mind I\'ve never gotten a scholarship, either )


To succeed in business, education is key.  Starting next year I will attend Central Texas College for just that reason.  After earning an Associates degree, I will study for my Masters at Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches, Texas.  I\'ve always been in the top ten percent of my class, and this will continue as I head to graduate school.  It\'s true: education is the key to success.  It is my goal to succeed.


Not bad, right?  ****, put my name on that and get me some money.

-Eik

[videoholic]

Much better Eik..    Nice way to book end the paragraph.  Is the first sentence proper english?  I don\'t know about starting a sentence with a prep.  I could easily stand corrected on that one.




The thing to remember is that the people who read these things don\'t want to read a bunch of bull crap. Be straight up front and cut out the crap.

What\'s the matter mjps21983?? Any spanish help? If you need it, i\'m here, even I don\'t know what this thread is about

Originally posted by Videoholic
Is the first sentence proper english?  I don\'t know about starting a sentence with a prep.

Yea, I think so.  I know we should try not to end with one, but I\'m pretty sure it\'s ok to start with one.

Stuff like "To paraphrase a great author..." or maybe "With that in mind..."

It works for me.

-Eik

Originally posted by Eiksirf


Yea, I think so.  I know we should try not to end with one, but I\'m pretty sure it\'s ok to start with one.

Is incorrect to finish a sentence with a preposition in english? You sure? :fro:

This is what I have now.

Education is the key to succeeding in today’s business world. Next year I will continue my studies at Central Texas College for just that reason. After earning an Associates degree, I will study for my Masters at Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches, Texas. Through hard work and diligence I will reach the top of my class, and this will continue as I head to graduate school. It\'s true: education is the key to success. It is my goal to succeed.

Hey, pretty good.  I like it.  No real suggestions to change it, either.  Nice job.  "Hardwork and diligence" was a great touch, hehe.

And yea, Adan.  Instead of, "That\'s something I\'m looking forward to," you\'re supposed to (ie. forget it for speach, but for correct writing you\'ll want to try) say, "That\'s something to which I\'m looking forward."  Or to sound better, maybe just, "I\'m looking forward to that."

-Eik

I would like to thank everyone in their help.


THANK YOU!!!!!!!:D

Originally posted by Eiksirf
Hey, pretty good.  I like it.  No real suggestions to change it, either.  Nice job.  "Hardwork and diligence" was a great touch, hehe.

And yea, Adan.  Instead of, "That\'s something I\'m looking forward to," you\'re supposed to (ie. forget it for speach, but for correct writing you\'ll want to try) say, "That\'s something to which I\'m looking forward."  Or to sound better, maybe just, "I\'m looking forward to that."

-Eik

Mmm... good. From now, I\'ll try to avoid the prepositions at the end of a sentence. Thanx for the advice.

[videoholic]

Preps at the end of sentences is my pet peeve.  One of my co-workers puts \'at\' at the end of sentences all the time.

Where\'s it at?


UGH.  Oh yeah, another thing, there is no such word as anyways!!!  Drop the \'s\' people!!


Your paragraph is much better now.....