Well, in the three games I listed, I really haven\'t seen that much of those things.
Total Annihilation: Kingdoms was by far the best online experience I have ever had, or expect to ever have. The game was very fun, but it was also not well known or widely played. The online community there, because of this, really developed into a true community. Instead of having thousands of people on at once, there would be maybe 50. About 35 would be in games, and 15 or so would be in the main chat room that the online service provided. The ladder system they had there was great, with people going up in ranks based on their record. There was only one known way to cheat in the game, and if you did it, the other person would knwo if you were. Since it was such a small community, and people got to really know eachother, this didn\'t happen really. If someone did it, too many people would hear about it, and no one would trust them. I feel I really got to know some people there, much the same way I would know someone on a message board like this one. The game was also a real time strategy game, which meant you actually had to know what you were doing to play it well, and if you didn\'t, people would know.
Diablo II is my current online addiction. The nature of the game, being a multiplayer RPG, really lends itself to a good online atmosphere. People are cooperative, rather than competative. The chatting, the way you have described it, is really minimal, and has never bothered me. They do have problems with cheaters though, who duplicate valuable items from the game, throwing the balance of items way off, but the effects of those are minor really.
Those are the two best online experiences I\'ve really had with games. RTCW was good, but not as good (then again, that might be because I didn\'t like the game as much as these others). That too wasn\'t nearly as bad, in my experience, as what you have described.
Oh well, maybe I\'ve just been lucky.