If Santa answered his mail honestly
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud
boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You\'re on your way to a career in lawn care.
How about I send you a freaking book so you can learn to
read and write? I\'m giving your older brother the space
ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn\'t they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don\'t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I\'d like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see
what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad\'s banging the babysitter like a screen door in
a hurricane. Do you think he\'s gonna give that up to come
back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It\'s
time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos
instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my
face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor?
Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,
where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno
films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the
asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps
table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we\'re sleeping, do you really know
when we\'re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I\'m skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that
crap doesn\'t work with me. You\'re getting a sweater again.
Santa
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Dearest Santa,
We don\'t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into
our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that\'s why you\'re getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don\'t live in a
house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get
inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your
bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
