Why did the chicken cross the road?
TO get to the other side.
Why couldnt the pirate go to the movie?
It was rated aRrrrrrgh (R)
Okay seriously, a long one but funny as hell. I think its appropriate.
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he\'d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. "Well, I don\'t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don\'t know of thing that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C\'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don\'t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo penis."
"So what\'s up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven\'t seen what it\'ll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I\'ll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn\'t for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he\'d been gone a few days, his wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she\'d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she\'d had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she\'d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven\'t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I\'ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won\'t stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"
Two men and a blonde were the students of a training center in the CIA. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting on a chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can\'t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you\'re not the right man for this job. Get the **** outta here!"
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can\'t kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don\'t have what it takes. Take your bitch and go home!"
Finally, it was the blonde woman\'s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
blondes.....
