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NEW YORK - "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Vaporsnake told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of New York Hospital. Vaporsnake, and homosexual partner "Kiki", had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up the rectum and slipped Ragnar , our gerbil, in," explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that Kiki had enough. I tried to retrieve Ragnar but he wouldn\'t come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Vaporsnake\'s hair and severely burning Vaporsnake\'s face. It also set fire to the gerbil\'s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Vaporsnake suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Kiki suffered first and second degree burns to the anus and lower intestinal tract.
