Hello. My name is John Kerry and I\'m running for President, I think. Please consider my qualifications as set forth in the following resume.
Resume of JOHN F. KERRY
RESIDENCE:
Seven mansions, including Washington DC, Worth multimillion.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard or graduate with an MBA.
Military:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam Vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers.
I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book "Vietnam Veterans against the War: The New Soldier" shows how I truly feel about the military.
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. As the voters in Massachusetts can attest, in my 32 years, not a single piece of legislation bears my name.
I have no real world experience except marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS US SENATOR:
I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton.
I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country\'s ability to defend itself.
Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it.
I voted in favor of every liberal piece of legislation.
I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.
I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator.
I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha\'s Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yacht.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.
PERSONAL
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up.
I ride a Serotta bicycle ($6500).
My Gulfstream V Jet I call "The Flying Squirrel."
I named my $850,000 42 foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche.
I don\'t own any SUVs but my family does, including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and you had better listen to it as it reflects our real culture.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
Funny Shit figured Ace and Giga would like this.
