I think it\'s important that we elaborate on masturbating with food and other normal household objects. Frankly, this is what analysts would call an "untapped market" for most people. Oh sure, Jason Biggs made household masturbation agents mainstream when he slipped his 4-incher into a cherry pie a few years back, but that glorious event just skimmed the surface of what is possible when your bird is throbbing in a quiet house with nothing better to do. Many folks think it\'s "taboo" or "immoral"; I forgot the meaning of these words years ago. In fact, I needed a college thesaurus just to complete that sentence.
Let\'s start with the basics. Men and women can play along with this one. Pay close attention to the words coming out of my mouth: you need to think outside the box. You\'ve gotta mentally size up objects that in no normal circumstances would make it to within a foot of your crotch. Will my schlong fit in there? Is my vagina big enough? If I stick that magic marker up my anal passage, will I have to go to the emergency room? Ask yourself these questions and questions like these. Read between the lines. Don\'t think of family heirlooms as off-limits, either.
The smoother your grandfather\'s bowling trophy looks, the higher the chances are that it won\'t tear the inner wall of your taco. If a dead relative of yours was a professional ventriloquist (a dying art, sadly) check the attic. You might just find a pot of gold. Never underestimate puppets. Whether they\'re going on cross-country adventures, saving Christmas, or collecting endless gobs of semen in their tight little limbs... those creepy little bastards get the job done. In fact, you might need to think of something sexually unappealing to keep from triggering too fast when you\'re cock-deep in Kermit. Like, your mom. Or Paula Poundstone.
Sooooo many regular, innocent items can become your next muse within a matter of seconds if you\'re willing to give them a chance. Some people say that bean bag chairs went out of style in the 1970s; well, Bernard tends to disagree. Beyond the basic fucking, those with an inclination towards the tubby might have an especially exciting romp in this case. A few of the more enlightened readers might be curious as to why I haven\'t mentioned the obvious vacuum cleaner. People, I am looking out for you. I am trying to help you. Many commercial vacuums have internal blades for chopping up incoming objects.
Nothing spells "happiness" like a mutilated "penis"? This Josh Johnson quote from a few weeks back is much funnier when it\'s not literal, trust me. When your dog is smattered into 50 distinct pieces and half of it is located in your handy dandy Vac-Bag, you\'ll understand my concern. I would rather not take the chance, though if you do decide to roll the dice and come up a few inches short, please tell us about it. Human suffering is a drug comparable to my next topic.
I admit it. I\'ve been teasing you people. The holy grail of improvised masturbation is definitely food. It\'s an art, a science in itself. It needs to be carefully introduced, though, for its long-term effects can potentially be disastrous. If you knew that you could shove a steamed radish into your pink cave of miracles, would you ever want to be with one of those stinky men ever again? What if you just sucked on a warm plum and never had to deal with the deja vu of a tuna-fish sandwich ever again? It\'s like a drug, as I said. Recreational, but given enough social... enough sexual despair, it could become scripture in one\'s mind!
With big, slow steps... I will drop some invaluable pointers for you guys and gals that want to simulate God\'s greatest gift to mankind without leaving the realm of the edible. Not that you\'re going to want to even think about eating this stuff once the big show starts! Allow me to begin with my own personal messiah of masturbation: the microwave. This appliance is pretty much the alpha and omega when you\'re setting the table for some hardcore fruit-fucking. Alone, a watermelon is a pretty sweet fruit. I kind of prefer cantaloupe, but let\'s stay on subject!
Do you like watermelon? Try sticking a whole watermelon into your microwave. Put it on for about 2 minutes on power 6, if you have a 1200-watt machine. A lot of consumer microwaves are around 1200-watt, sometimes 1300. Adjust accordingly. Just don\'t put it on for too long or the watermelon will explode. After being a patient pervert for about 2 minutes, pull that sumbitch out and give her a vagina. A nice, snug little hole in its watery side. Not too big, unless you\'ve got the gear to utilize that extra space. Forget cherry pie, this is what experts call the real deal. If you followed my explicit instructions, you\'re cruising through Cooter Country right now. If you didn\'t, you just singed your cock and you\'re hopefully writing me an angry e-mail. Amen? Amen.
Women, I did not forget you. Most notably lesbians, I did not forget your love for the peach. Don\'t you just love to dig in? Whenever somebody cracks open a can of tuna in the kitchen and you catch a whiff, don\'t your ears perk up just like Snoopy when he sees his supper dish? You know they do. I know they do. I have lots of your videos.
I dare you to go down to your local seafood outlet. I dare you to grab a 15-pound slab of scrod and I dare you to go through the checkout line with a straight face. When you get it back to your pad, you need to get to work immediately. Like a professional surgeon, you need to fashion a vagina in the fabric of the scrod\'s flesh. Don\'t worry, you don\'t have to be perfect unless you\'d rather deal with eventually earning your "red wings." So yeah, be perfect. No rush. Even if your girlfriend comes home, you can just tell the bitch you\'re making dinner.
Next step, you need to boil it. Shake out all of the germs, you know, like doing a test for STDs. Kinda. Don\'t go all of the way though. If it doesn\'t still smell a little like a raw sea-faring creature, you might as well be using friggin\' chicken. Once it\'s boiled for a good dozen minutes or so, the divine microwave comes into the picture. Percy Spencer invented the microwave oven in the 1940s. An eye for an eye, I say! The brutality of the Holocaust, balanced out by the beauty of space-age cooking appliances. The eternal duality. And I\'m encouraging you to make fuck buddies with it.
Eventually the scrod portion will be rubbery enough to emulate the outer vagina. Just enough not to be immediately edible unless you feel like choking on a piece of your manufactured vagina! Apply liberal doses of water or any lubricating liquid of your choice, then stick it in the refrigerator overnight. The next day, microwave it for approximately 1:30 on power 5 (or until warm) and dig in! Feel free to apply garnishes, seasonings, and whatever other crazy thing you would normally do to your real lover that you probably don\'t need anymore.
Anybody with a hint of respect for their sex life will tell you that this is just the tip of the iceberg. There are literally dozens of techniques and there are more being discovered everyday by some of the world\'s brightest minds. I have taken this opportunity to introduce you to this reality, and I hope you\'ve enjoyed my brief exposition.
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