Joke Time

Originally posted by Paul2
And I thought it was read as "a cancelled chest."
:beer:

Are you mocking me? I know where you live, I\'ll hunt you down and kill you like an animal!

*takes pills*

Ah that\'s better.

[Paul2]

no, I am not mocking you.  :rolleyes:

Originally posted by Paul2
no, I am not mocking you.  :rolleyes:

Aww, don\'t make eyes at me. I wubs you.

A man is sitting at a park bench explaining to his friend how his dog loves to lick putang the dog just sits there with his long ole tounge hanging out and a nearby woman hears the converstaion and she just stares at this dogs long tounge minutes go by and she cant control herself any more she walks up to the man and says " Sir Im sorry I over heard your conversation... you said your dog loves to lick putang?"  Why yes he does the man explains how he just absoulty loves it. She cannot stand it anymore she asks the man if the could go to the nearest hotel because she absoulty needs to have hers licked by this dog. They get to the hotel and the women undresses jumps on the bed and spreads her legs wide. The man tells the dog Ralphy go lick that putang... nothing happens.... Ralphy go lick that putang......... nothing happens finally the man yells DAMN IT RALPHY THIS IS THE LAST TIME IM GONNA SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS!

^



Hmm, talk about "Animal Use"

S\'more
An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you\'re in the best shape I\'ve seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn\'t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn\'t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn\'t say anything else, but when the old man\'s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband\'s in fine physical shape but I\'m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he\'s the one who\'s been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks.

Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out. I go up behind a girl and whisper, \'Tickle your ass with a feather?\' And when she turns around and asks what I said, I say, \'Typical nasty weather.\' If she smiles or laughs, I know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all happens naturally. Try it."

The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a drink, getting more uptight every second. Finally, he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear, "Stick my finger in your ass?"

She turns around and says, "WHAT!?"

He says, "It\'s freaking pouring outside."

[Titan]

Hal is petrified of girls, so he asks his friend Lenny how he meets so many nice chicks.

Lenny says, "I have a surefire method to feel them out. I go up behind a girl and whisper, \'Tickle your ass with a feather?\' And when she turns around and asks what I said, I say, \'Typical nasty weather.\' If she smiles or laughs, I know she has a sense of humor, we chat, and it all happens naturally. Try it."

The next night, nervous but desperate, Hal goes to a very crowded bar, and sits in the corner, stewing, nursing a drink, getting more uptight every second. Finally, he walks up behind the nicest girl in the place, and after a few minutes of stammering, blurts out so everybody can hear, "Stick my finger in your ass?"

She turns around and says, "WHAT!?"

He says, "It\'s freaking pouring outside."

I don\'t get it

I get it, it\'s good.

[Paul2]

I don\'t get either.

Even simple minds, cannot understand simple jokes.

[Titan]

You saying I\'m simple minded?

*kicks spudz in the crotch*

Simple minded does not mean stupidity.

I thought it was funny. However, due to the fear of Paul2 mocking me, I won\'t explain it to you lesser beings.

[Kurt Angle]

Q. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
A. Goes-in-tight!

Q. How do you know when you are getting old?
A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q. What\'s the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a \'\'quickie\'\', only you do it yourself.

Q. Why don\'t little girls fart?
A. Because they don\'t get assholes until they\'re married.

Q. What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q. What\'s the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Why don\'t women blink during foreplay?
A. They don\'t have time.

Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Q. Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife\'s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
A. The dog, once he\'s in, he shuts up!

Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.

Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A. Give it a nipple.

Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.

Q. What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you\'re screwed.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ.

Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don\'t know how big this thing gets!

Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy

Q. Why don\'t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.

Q. What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
A. Push it aside and keep on eating...

Q. How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A. Twocanchew (two can chew).

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. Why is a woman\'s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Gagged

Q. What is the Difference Between Pussy and Apple Pie?
A. You can eat your mom\'s apple pie.

Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.

Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They\'re going to call her Old Spice.

Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ****

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A. Yell at her.

Q. What\'s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
A. So they don\'t whistle on the way down.

Q. Why did the woman cross the road?
A. Never mind that, what the **** is she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A. So, when you pull their tits they won\'t shit on the floor.

Q. Why can\'t women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. What\'s a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q. What\'s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!

Q. What is better than a cold Bud?
A. A warm bush.

Q. What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use some lubricant.

Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you\'ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q. What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
A. You don\'t look down.

Q. Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute?
A. The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack.

Q. How are women and linoleum floors alike?
A. You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.

Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops ****ing you after you\'re dead.

Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo

Q. What did the blind man say as he passed the fish market?
A. Good morning Girls

Q. What\'s the difference between a woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn\'t fart when you pull your meat out!

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don\'t talk.

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don\'t have eyes.

Q. What\'s the difference between a whore and a bitch?
A. Whore\'s **** everyone at the party, Bitches **** everyone at the party except you.

Q. Did ya hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It works by changing your blood type!!

Q. What\'s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer bottle?
A. None It should be open when she brings it to you

Q. What do you call it when a 90 year old man masturbates successfully?
A. Miracle whip.

Q. What\'s the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.


Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can\'t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

[Titan]

One day, there was 3 men at heaven\'s gate waiting to go to heaven.
God was standing there and asked the first guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?" The first guy said "I\'ve only cheated on her 2 times".
God then said, "Well, you will get a small car to drive around in heaven".
God then asked the second guy "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The second guy answered, "Well, I\'ve only cheated on her 1 time". God said, "Well, you get a medium size car to drive around in heaven". Then God asked the third guy, "Have you been faithful to your wife?". The third guy answered, "I have always been faithful to my wife, I\'ve never cheated on her." God said, "Well, you get a cadilac to drive around in heaven".
Then after the three men were in heaven driving around in there cars, the first 2 men saw the other man crying in his Cadilac. They went over to him and said, "What are you crying about, you got the biggest, finest, car to drive around in heaven and you\'ve always been faithful to your wife, what could be so wrong to make you cry?" The third man looked up and said, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard".

 Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about \'courting\' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.
Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging her I figured \'Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he\'s not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time \'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she\'s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel\'s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn\'t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis\'s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

[Titan]

10 ways to annoy your stall mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"may I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn\'t have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water\'s cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I\'ve never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor\'s while yelling, "Whoa! Easy
boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.\'"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then
say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C\'mon Mr. Happy! Don\'t fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you
squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.

18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free."

Dishes and Vaseline
 Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don\'t say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven\'t done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Sdteve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I\'ll do the damn dishes!"