Return of the King review (no spoilers)

Oh. My. God.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is a very worthy end to an excellent trilogy. It\'s insanely well made. It\'s powerful. It\'s emotional. It\'s fantastic.

If you thought the battle for Helm\'s Deep was impressive, then you haven\'t seen ROTK. The battles are truely epic in size and scope. And generally the VFX are even more plentiful and beautiful than in the last two installments. Breathtaking.

If you\'re concerned about your friends seeing you misty eyed, you might wanna consider going alone...

I don\'t really know what else to say. It\'s epic filmmaking at its finest. Go see it as soon as you can.

If you\'ve got any questions fire away, and I\'ll do my best to answer.

[GmanJoe]

I saw this review. Full curses so beware.

Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they’re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it’s Planet of Furry ******y ****heads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to where they’re paying old people to take a dump on them.

Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap where Wheelchair Charlie traps **** Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap where Wolverine thinks he’s a time traveler from a hundred years ago romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it’s a mind-illusion and cut Meg’s head off and play dodgeball with it, but it would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen.

But guess what? One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie series said, “Wait a minute, we’re going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it will make the FIRST two movies look gay.”

I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that’s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you’ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie.

It’s also, thank ****ing God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can listen to VH during the Elf parts you’ll take it off because I swear to ****ing Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from, or when something big is going to crunch someone’s skull while you picture that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who’s always reading and looking all smart.

Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it’s almost four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring some chick who’s all like, “I have a spinning class tomorrow” or “I’m thirsty” tell her to go home and watch Gay Dudes and the Straight Guy because this movie takes ****ing commitment. I saw the one dude in front of me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and said, “This movie is three hours and twenty minutes,” and before I could say, “So what, gaylord” the chick says to the dude she’s with that she has to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably could have made out with her, but he was like, “I’m going make out with this movie,” that’s how good it is. See ya, hottie.

There\'s more but it\'s full of spoilers.

[videoholic]

Where is that review?  That is freaking classic!!

is it at aintitcoolnews???

EDIT:

Nevermind.

http://aintitcoolnews.com/display.cgi?id=16641


This guy is funny as shit.  I only read the first two paragraphs of the spoiler part, but I was rolling.

[GmanJoe]

Originally posted by videoholic
Where is that review?  That is freaking classic!!

is it at aintitcoolnews???

exactly. I didn\'t put the link coz some of you would venture too far into his paragraphs and read a spoiler. Do you want the rest? They\'re riddled with spoilers. I read on coz I just finished reading the book (again) 6 months ago.

The ROTK is amazing(probably). Stop posting now so i look cool =]

[Kurt Angle]

I watched the first and second ones for the first time back to back a couple of weeks ago. I am looking forward to this.

Originally posted by Samwise

If you\'ve got any questions fire away, and I\'ll do my best to answer.

How do you rate it compared to the first 2 ?

Originally posted by jp6666
How do you rate it compared to the first 2 ?

It\'s hard to rate since they\'re all connected. It\'s not worse though...

gonna see it with my gf when she\'s back for xmas break!

That aintitcool review is funny as hell.

"because, I mean, pussy for miles."

"ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp."

"Someone told me that all of the ****** ***** actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what? Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn’t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the **** on."

"TEAM 1970’S FOOT-TO-ASSERS"

"Then when THAT battle’s over and you’re thinking, “Just air comes out when I spooge now”"

"Five stars. Best movie of the next four years."

I\'m looking forward to the extended version. While the current cut is fine as it is, it could stand getting fleshed out a bit at certain parts.

Oh and btw... [sp]Shelob is fcuking nasty.[/sp]

[videoholic]

People were going off on the review.  Did you see that?  People griping that he used the word Gay in a derogatory manor.

Getting a freaking life people.  That review is damn funny.

[GmanJoe]

Even some gay people were surprised at how sensitive other gays were and told them to "Chill out, it was HUMOR!" or something like that.

I\'m going to see Return of the King tonight, but I don\'t have a chance to watch the first two again to bring me back to speed.

I can\'t remember... how did the two towers end?  I get the first 2 movies mixed up a little bit.

EDIT:  Does the two towers end with Frodo and Sam taking the canoe accross the river and leaving everyone else behind?  As I said i\'m a little bit rusty on the timeline.

The Two Towers ends with the destruction of Isengard (with Treebeard and so on) and Frodo & Sam looking to go into Morder... I think.