Went down the to house, kitchen and most of hte sinks are in, i couldn\'t get in though because its locked up. The proper front door is on, its starting to look good. Getting excitied about moving in. Will have to get house mates in though, don\'t wanna be in a huge house by myself.
Not so excitied about communicating with lisa. Not sure how i feel about her and i know i won\'t get angry or anything like that. Just don\'t wanna hit restart button on getting over her. Whats even more strange, if she had cheated on me.. I would have forgiven her and would have understood why. (myself being so dark and all.) Thats how much i loved her. Guilt could be the reason she called it all off, i donno. Seeing me might be like seeing a mirror into her guilt. Hence why she avoids me, or she just feels we have no future, which is retarded since ehh, we\'re building a house in which i was gonna get engaged to her in. I hate the feeling that i\'ve lost everything. Her, future kids, the house most likely in a span of a few months. How could anyone live with themselves doing shit like this to people. All it would have taken is talkin. It\'s just so frustrating to know that i\'ve all the time told her how i feel, why couldn\'t she done the same.
I have these dreams about her. We\'re not rooting or fighting. We just talk like nothing has happened. At first i used to get upset, now it doesn\'t bother me. I\'ve read that u dream about your EX for years to come depending on your next relationship and how deeply involved u get with that person. I loved lisa with 100% of my soul. I wonder if i\'ll ever love another person like that again. I gotta just find myself before even attempting another relationship.
Also read that in the dream, if your happy or wake happy even when seeing your ex, that you\'re meant to be happy with the way you\'re treating yourself.
I\'ve noticed a lot of change in me, so have others at work, friends aswell.. Not so shelled in anymore, more out going, talkin a lot more.. but that could be bacause i\'m working out alittle and have lost shit loads of weight and my major issue was with a dood from work, who\'s now gone. Self-esteem risin baby!
I still feel like i\'ve done a lot of mistakes, but i can\'t turn back time. I\'ve learnt from them. I know the wrong i\'ve done, but ultimately. Breaking up without even a proper explanation (changes everytime) or even TRYING to save a 10 year relationship is just wrong. I\'d never do that to another person and can\'t imagine how she could do it to me. I\'ve forgiven her so many times over the blackmail crap its not funny and she still does this to me and still thinks i didn\'t love her (she told her mum that i was being distant, another bs excuse. I was with her everyday, she\'d come over to my place for 30 mins then leave, i\'d be at hers for hrs) Everyone says i\'ll hate her once i\'m in the house, that being tied to it to protect what she has done will make me hate her. I donno, maybe.. i guess i\'ll find out once i\'m in there. I know i\'m meant to hate her now, but i don\'t. I donno, just can\'t switch into hate mode. I\'ve been upset and angry, but not hate.
Nearly got fried at work at one point. Lisa was on my brain and i got a nice 240v shock. Didn\'t hurt though, was like the thought of lisa outweighed the thought of pain, still. I could have died.
Now thats fucked up!
