Joke Time

ok after the news of E3 and the Heated DEBATE overthe HDD iin the main forum, it\'s time to lighten up a bit.

so here is a thread to enjoy some jokes please post them if you got any.

here one to start.

theres this Priest and hes out walking one day by the lake, and he see\'s a man just about to push of in a boat to enjoy some fishing.

So he walks over and starts talking to the man, and the man invited him to go fishingwith him.

The Priest accepts and gets in the boat, and they push off.

While out on the Lake the man catches a Large fih, and on realing it in he shouts.
"yeah GOT the Son of the B!tch".

On saying that the Priest is totaly shocked and says.

"you cant say that thats one of Gods creations "

So thinking quickly the man thinks to himself and says.

" oh sorry Father, thats what we call this fish , it\'s the name of the breed.."

On hearing this the Priest says sorry and the man gives the fish to the Priest, and they go on to enjoy the dyas fishing.

Afterthat days fishing is over the Priest says his good byes to the man and returns home withthe Large fish to cook it for his fellow Priests.

when arraving home he takes the fish and preapirs it for cooking, when one of his fellow priest comes into the kitchen.

"what have you got there" says the second Priest

"oh is in\'t it fine its a massive son of a b!tch" say the first Priest

"What did you say" says the Second Priest

"oh it\'s ok thats the Breed name of the fish" says the first priest.

"Oh it\'s that so, well ok seeing that you have gutted and cleaned it , can i ad seasoning and herbs to the Son of the B!tch ?" says the second priest

So the first priest agress and the second Priest starts to work on the fish.when a Third priest walk into the kictcen after hearing the conversation and says

"well its only far that i cook the son of the b!tch seeing the work you two have put into it"

Well they work away and then set the table for their dinner, it\'s only until they have sat down o eat the fish when theres a knock at the door.

so one of then opens it and , standing before him is The POPE on a visit totheir house.

On seeing the POPE he Priest sat a place for him at the head of the table and settle down to eat the fish.

After the meal the first priest asks the POPE.

"so i take it you enjoyes eatting the Son of the B!tch your hollyness"

on hearing that the PoPe kickes back on his chair, puts his feet on the table while lighting a cigar and says.

"you know what........ you F%^&ers are alright....."

[nO-One]

I got 2 here

A guy was at a bar,he was drinking heavily and passed out.When it was closing time time the bartender woke him up and told him to leave.

So the guy stands up and falls flat on his face.
He thinks to him self "I just need some frash air".So he crawles outside.Once there he tries to stand up and again falls on his face.Not to happy about this he tries again with the same results.So he thinks to himself "ohh well I guess I had a little to much to drink",so he crawles to his house.

Once he was inside he crawled into his bedroom.He again tried to stand up and fell flat on his face and fell asleep.

The next day his was awakened by the roar of his wifes voice. "You were out drinking weren\'t you".He tries to look as sober as he could "uhh no of course not.Why would you think that?"

She answered "The bar just called,you forgot your wheelchair again".


And another one about the pope


One day the pope was struck with a serious illness.
The cardinals got some of the worlds best doctors and nobody could figure out what was wrong with him.

So one day a jewish doctor came and told them he could figure this out.

The cardinals didn\'t see any harm in this,so they let him examine him.After some time the doctor came out of the pope\'s room and said "I\'ve figured this out,he\'s sick from lack of sex"

So the cardinals discuss this and deside they must find a woman to sleep with the pope.But they don\'t want this to become puplic.They explain the Sitiuation to the pope and ask if he agree\'s with them and if he has any conditions.

The pope answers

The Pope: I only have a few conditions to this.

The cardinals: Yes,yes anything

The pope: nr.1-She must be blind so she doesn\'t know who she\'s sleeping with.Nr.2-She must be deaf so she can\'t hear who she\'s sleeping with.

The cardinals: *write all of this down* Anything more?

The pope: Nr.3-she must be stupid so she doesn\'t know who she\'s sleeping with.

The cardinals: OK blind,deaf and stupid anything more

The pope: only one more thing.......big boobs

this homeless guy was totally drunk and fell asleep outside this gay bar head down ass in the air.

this gay guys walks and says 2 himself bugger it and gives the homeless guys ass the once over when finnished leaves and puts £5 behind the guys ear.

homeless guy wakes up in the morning scratches behing his ear and what do u know £5 appears so off he goes to the local off licence and orders his usual bottle of wine.

night falls and same again head down ass in the air.

along comes 2 gay guys this time and the temptation is 2 strong and they 2 give the guys ass the once over, each leaving a £5 behind the guys ear.

and again waiks up scratches his ear and hey £10 appears. so off he goes 2 the offlicence gets his usual drink of wine.

this scenario happens a few more nights until the guy goes into the oflicence will £30 "of tips"

and says 2 the casier ill have ... interupted

dont tell me u want a bottle of wine ?

the homeless guy replies no ill have a bottle of vodka please ?

why the cashier asks ??

well that wine is giving me an awfull sore ass.

One day a girl and her parents are at the department store. While they are walking, the girl sees a pair of pretty pink panties. She asks her dad if she can buy them, and her dad, being a real ass, says no. So she asks her mom, and she buys them. That night, the girl is so happy that she shows her daddy the pretty pink panties. Daddy gets pissed, because he told her not to buy them, so he rips them apart.

The next day the poor little girl asks her daddy for a kitten. Her dad tells her no way. But mommy agrees, and she gets her the kitty. The girl shows the kitty to her daddy and he gets so angry that he shaves all the hair off the cat.

The girl then askes, can I have a doggy and name it Ass? Dad says No animals in the house, I mean it! But mommy buys the dog anyway, and the daddy sees it. He gets sooo mad that he kicks the dog AND the girl out of the house.

The little girl is very sad now, and starts crying. A policeman walks by and sees the girl in tears. He asks her what\'s wrong.

"Well mr. policeman" she says, "My daddy is being mean".

"How so?" he says

"Well, first he ripped up my pretty pink panties! Then he shaved my pussy, and then he kicked my Ass out the door!"

i have a list of the most offensive discusting joke u ever heard but the are way too horrible to post so if anyone wants to read them just shoot me an email and ill send them too u

[Bobs_Hardware]

Originally posted by jaropkls
i have a list of the most offensive discusting joke u ever heard but the are way too horrible to post so if anyone wants to read them just shoot me an email and ill send them too u

jaropkls....i insist that you PM me these jokes...if you want to...otherwise, no biggy

Here\'s one.. it\'s kinda filthy though.

One day, a new recruite to Forest Ranger service was complaining to his foreman about the lack of female companionship.

"Sir", he said "If I\'d had known I\'d be stationed up here in the Ozarks, I\'d never have taken this job. If I don\'t get laid pretty soon I\'m gonna go nuts!"

The forman looked at the recruit and said, "Well.... I\'ll let you in on a little secret. Out behind the old timbershed is a barrel with a knot hole in it. Whenever we\'re feeling the urges, we go use that. Now it\'s not as good as a woman, but it\'ll get you by."

Hearing this, the recruit felt dicouraged and ambled his way back to his post. After a few days however, his desires got the best of him and he decided to at least give the barrel a try. As he got into position and began pluggin away at the barrel, he found that it wasn\'t as bad as he\'d though it would be. In fact.. it felt pretty good. So the next day he walks into the foreman\'s office and proclaims,

"Wow, that barrel sure did the trick! Can I go back there and use it anytime I want?"

"Suuuureee..." the forman said, "any time except for Thursdays."

"Why Thursdays?" The recruit asked.

"Cause Thursdays your night in the barrel."

Here\'s proof that jokes don\'t have to be dirty or offensive to be funny.

This white guy was walking through Chinatown one day when he noticed a laundromat called "Hans Lichtenstein\'s Laundry". Puzzled, the man walks in and notices an elderly Chinese man. The white guy asks him: Are you the owner of this place? The Chinese guy replies: Yes. The white guy asks: Is your name Hans Lichtenstein? The Chinese guy replies: Yes, it is.

Now the white guy is really lost. He asks: How\'d you get a name like that???

The Chinese guy tells him: Many years ago, when I was going through immigration, I was on this line. The lady at the INS asked the man in front of me what his name was and he replied: Hans Lichtenstein. When she asked me, I replied: Sam Ting.

Three men are trapped on an island after a nasty shipwreck, an American, an Indian, and a Japanese.

The Indian takes charge and tells the other two men, "American, you go light a signal fire for our rescue.  Japanese, you go find supplies.  I will build a base-camp."

The men go about their tasks, disappearing into the jungle.  Hours later, the American comes down after building a huge bonfire.  The Indian has built the camp.  The only man missing is the Japanese man.

The two men search for the Japanes man for hours, finally passing by a bush.  They heard rustling, and as they approached the bush, the Japanese man sprang forth screaming, "SUPPLIES!!"

___________________________________________

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wrapped in Seran-Wrap.

The Psychatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

__________________________________________

Mickey Mouse is in his therapists office one day.

The therapist starts off by saying, "Now Mickey, last meeting we were talking about your wife\'s instability.  Please tell me about it."

Mickey, looking puzzled says, "Doc, she isn\'t unstable, I said she was f*cking Goofey!"

Funny Stuff guys

Here are a few:

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their
lot in life. There was an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant
complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way,
and makes me look like a fool!"

The Lord said, "Don\'t complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc.
without getting wet!"

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me
top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

The Lord said, "Don\'t complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves
from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don\'t want to complain, but either let me
have a bigger ass or smaller eggs."

Another:

A man walked into a crowded doctor\'s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

"There\'s something wrong with my ****," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn\'t come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there\'s something wrong with your \'ear\' or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There\'s something wrong with my \'ear\'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can\'t piss out of it." the man replied

I got some really nasty ones if you wanna hear them... hehehe

but for now, let\'s go cleanliness


Q: What happens when you get a gigabyte?
A: It megahurtz


There was a lonely man, all alone, except for his pet parrot. Him and his parrot were the BEST of friends, he\'d feed  him and talk to him and teach him to talk back... and he completed his life. Well, one day, to the man\'s dismay, the parrot stopped eating.

The man, for some weird reason decided, that the reason for this was his beak, and decided to file his beak back. Before doing so however, he decided to see a vet. When he reached the vet, the vet said "look sir, though your bird is sick, he\'ll get better in a few days hopefully. Just whatever you do, DON"T FILE IT\'S BEAK BACK, it will die if you do".

Taking that advice as nothing but a crock, he went home, and the next day, returned to the vet, with his dead parrot. The vet sees this and says "You filed it\'s beak back... didn\'t you, what did I tell you??"

"Well the thing is" the man said
"yes??" replied the doctor
" I don\'t think the bird died when I filed it\'s beak back"


..... "I think it died when I put it\'s head in the vice"

At the height of the Cold War, the Americans and Soviets decided to settle their whole silly conflict with something simple: A dog fight. Each side decided that they had seven years to train a dog to win this fight.
The Soviets immediately set to work. They crossbred a Siberian wolf with a German shepard, and got their best animal trainers to train it to be as merciless as was feasibly possible.

When the day of this fight finally came, the USSR had to place their dog of terror inside of a cage with 18 inch thick bars to contain it. When the time finally came for this historic match, the Soviets released the dog.

It was at that point that the Americans unleashed their animal to fight the Russian\'s monstrosity. To everyone\'s surprise, the Americans had raised a ten foot long weiner dog. The Russians began to laugh their asses off, knowing that the Americans had no hope.

Yet, when the dogs finally met up with eachother, the American dog ate the Russian dog in a single bite.

The Russians were upset and puzzled.

"We crossbred two incredibly mean dogs, spent seven years with our best animal trainers to get this dog to be ruthless, and you beat us just like that?"

The Americans smiled and replied, "Yes, but we spent seven years with our best plastic surgeons, making a crocodile look like a weiner dog."

...

Lame enough?

[videoholic]

Subject: Fw: Make Sure Everything Fits!

 Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he
 was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal
 hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
 
 After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
 across a doctor who solved the problem.  "The good news is I can cure
 your headaches.  The bad news is that it will require castration.
 You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
 up against the base of your spine.  The pressure creates one hell of
 a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
 testicles."
 
 Joe was shocked and depressed.  He wondered if he had anything to
 live for.  He couldn\'t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided
 he had no choice but to go under the knife.
 
 When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he
 was missing an important part of himself.  As he walked down the
 street, he realized that he felt like a different person.  He could
 make a new beginning and live a new life.
 
 He walked past a men\'s clothing store and thought, "That\'s what I
 need, a new suit."  He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I\'d
 like a new suit."
 
 The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let\'s see... size 44 long."
 
 Joe laughed, "That\'s right, how did you know?"
 
 "It\'s my job."
 
 Joe tried on the suit.  It fit perfectly.  As Joe admired himself in
 the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
 
 Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
 
 The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let\'s see,... 34 sleeve and... 16
 and a half neck."
 
 Joe was surprised, "That\'s right, how did you know?"
 
 "It\'s my job."
 
 Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.  As Joe adjusted the
 collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
 
 Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
 
 The salesman eyed Joe\'s feet and said, "Let\'s see...9 and a half
 wide."
 
 Joe was astonished, "That\'s right, how did you know?"
 
 "It\'s my job."
 
 Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.  Joe walked
 comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new
 hat?"
 
 Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
 
 The salesman eyed Joe\'s head and said, "Let\'s see. . . 7 5/8."
 
 Joe was incredulous, "That\'s right, how did you know?"
 
 "It\'s my job."
 
 The hat fit perfectly.  Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
 asked, "How about some new underwear?"
 
 Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
 
 The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe\'s waist and said, "Let\'s see...
 size 36."
 
 Joe laughed, "No, I\'ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
 
 The salesman shook his head and said, "You can\'t wear a size 34 It
 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
 you one hell of a headache!"

XBOX RULEZ.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[nO-One]

Originally posted by STROKE
XBOX RULEZ.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No dirty jokes

BTW keep\'em coming folks